Finding Direction

[MalleableGirlParts]

Hi everybody,

I'm working through my guilt of being sporadic and talking too much in equal measure.

I feel compelled to share my thoughts when I can.I'm so very grateful to have found this place and this path. After decades of trying to convince myself to make a habit of meditating, here I am doing it everyday, more than once a day. Some days I almost have to tell myself that I don't need to go crazy. Twice is enough. I don't want to burn out. The combination of immersing myself in reading, listening to and watching Zen Buddhism as a subject of interest, a particular type of meditation that can be done anywhere, anytime and the subtle, yet profound side effects of these combination of acts is the perfect storm.

It's getting close to six months now and I think just these past two weeks or so am I actually confident that I AM changing. I am better than I was. I'm seeing and feeling the things I only hoped were possible.

I'm excited to be more committed. I intend on being more deliberate with the precepts, not just because they are the better way to exist in the world, morally, but because I have an inkling of the effects that they can provide.

I'm expanding my understanding of what's available to me at Treeleaf and I'm making connections between somebody I chatted with and a person I see on Zoom. Some pieces are falling together and I'm beginning to feel more comfortable.

It's been an emotionally charged day so that may be the catalyst for my outpouring, but regardless, here it is.

[Jundo]

Thank you Jenn.

If Zen Practice has good effects in your life, and opens some good insights to you, then it is a good practice.

Just take it slow and steady, no rush, no push and burning out. This is a lifetime hike through the mountains (with no goal, by the way, and simply total arrival in each step) and not a sprint or marathon to a goal. Every step is total arrival, even when we sometimes trip and stumble, because even when we do not see it yet, each step is buddha walking buddha mountain ... buddha buddhaing buddha.

That said, we do our best to avoid the stumbles, mud holes and poison ivy along the way ... thus we have the Precepts, living as best we can ethically, gently, thus to avoid the poisons.

You will never find that this practice brings one to a "perfect" place where you never have a problem, a worry, a disappointment, a bad habit or a stumble again. Sorry, not in this life. However it can make us better and more graceful walkers of this train, less prone to fall, and more accepting when we do nonetheless.

So, keep going ...

Gassho, Jundo
stlah

[Houzan]

I share your engagement of this path. I sat before I joined Treeleaf, but the scope and consistency of practice has greatly improved. It feels like there is no longer any option than to practice the way. I am very grateful for this sangha and Jundo’s teachings

Gassho, Hōzan
Satlah

[Bion]

Jenn, it is lovely that you feel this way. I hope this realization serves as the driving energy to continue with the practice day after day. Master Dogen used an expression I've always loved: ¨Going forward is, after all, an everyday affair". I always think of that... Life is motion, activity, change and so it offers limitless opportunities to practice, all within the scenery of our lives, just as it is in every moment, whether we perceive it as special or not special. So, keep going forward!

Gassho
sat lah

[Anthony]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Jenn. As someone who is on the opposite end of the spectrum (I struggle to make zazen my daily habit), reading your experience is inspiring to my practice.

Gassho,
Anthony
satlah

[MalleableGirlParts]

Thank you Jenn.

If Zen Practice has good effects in your life, and opens some good insights to you, then it is a good practice.

Just take it slow and steady, no rush, no push and burning out. This is a lifetime hike through the mountains (with no goal, by the way, and simply total arrival in each step) and not a sprint or marathon to a goal. Every step is total arrival, even when we sometimes trip and stumble, because even when we do not see it yet, each step is buddha walking buddha mountain ... buddha buddhaing buddha.

That said, we do our best to avoid the stumbles, mud holes and poison ivy along the way ... thus we have the Precepts, living as best we can ethically, gently, thus to avoid the poisons.

You will never find that this practice brings one to a "perfect" place where you never have a problem, a worry, a disappointment, a bad habit or a stumble again. Sorry, not in this life. However it can make us better and more graceful walkers of this train, less prone to fall, and more accepting when we do nonetheless.

So, keep going ...

Gassho, Jundo
stlah

Hi,

Thank you for having this space and maintaining it and all of your encouraging words and resources. I'm so very grateful.

[MalleableGirlParts]

I share your engagement of this path. I sat before I joined Treeleaf, but the scope and consistency of practice has greatly improved. It feels like there is no longer any option than to practice the way. I am very grateful for this sangha and Jundo’s teachings

Gassho, Hōzan
Satlah

Thank you for your response. It's wonderful to have this opportunity and to live in a time where it is possible.

[MalleableGirlParts]

Jenn, it is lovely that you feel this way. I hope this realization serves as the driving energy to continue with the practice day after day. Master Dogen used an expression I've always loved: ¨Going forward is, after all, an everyday affair". I always think of that... Life is motion, activity, change and so it offers limitless opportunities to practice, all within the scenery of our lives, just as it is in every moment, whether we perceive it as special or not special. So, keep going forward!

Gassho
sat lah

I thank you for your response and encouragement! That's a wonderful quote. I love good quotes. Something that gives you a flash of insight.

[MalleableGirlParts]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Jenn. As someone who is on the opposite end of the spectrum (I struggle to make zazen my daily habit), reading your experience is inspiring to my practice.

Gassho,
Anthony
satlah

Thank you!! It's extremely encouraging and also inspiring to know that something I may share would help another. I would, in the past, be very hesitant to share or speak. I wouldn't necessarily think that I had something worth sharing. But over time I started to see how I would get moments of insight from the strangest places. Or not so much strange, but more so completely unrelated to whatever it helped me with. That and a friend shared with me how my own sharing of difficulties that I was having with depression helped her to feel less alone in her struggles. That's when I made it a point to start throwing things out there because I really had no idea who might get something from the words they read. There's been a few instances of that and I cherish every one of them, your comment is now included in those. :-)