[How to be Sick] Being Sick with Seiko

[Seiko]

Telling people how I am, has so often led to negative reactions that I have grown used to either being judged incapable and being ignored as if I am useless; or being given so much unwanted sympathy and 'care' that I feel smothered. Over the years these frequent experiences led me to hide my real state of health. Pretending I'm fine avoids the judgement. This play acting is actually a lie. I remember there's a precept about truth and lies.

The lies grew when, so accustomed to being judged by the unqualified, I started telling these lies to myself too. That then led to failure when I convinced myself that I could undertake a particular task - and soon realised that I couldn't.

During my last conversation with Jundo, those old patterns of hiding my health condition started popping up again - but this time I stopped and told the truth - for maybe the first time in years. What a lightbulb moment!

I know that Treeleaf isn't a place to offload my health concerns or to moan about being sick. But Treeleaf is a safe place where I can disclose my state of health, when relevant, and in return receive no judgement and bucket loads of support.

With gratitude and bows,
Seiko
stlah

[Jishin]

Being sick with Seiko, a burden hard to bear,
Sharing my struggles often draws a judgmental stare.
Some deem me useless, while others smother with care,
So I hide my condition, the truth I cannot bear.

The falsehoods grew within me, so familiar to my mind,
I told myself the lies, until failure came to find.
Convinced I could do a task, I stumbled and declined,
The lies I told myself, had left the truth behind.

But in a conversation with my teacher, the truth came shining through,
I saw the light, revealing what I knew.
I had to be honest, my health I must pursue,
For in the truth lies freedom, a chance to start anew.

Treeleaf is my sanctuary, a safe place to confide,
Disclosing my true state, with nothing left to hide.
The support that I receive, with judgment set aside,
Is the comfort that I need, to ease the pain inside.

Gassho, Jishin, ST, LAH

[Tai Do]

Telling people how I am, has so often led to negative reactions that I have grown used to either being judged incapable and being ignored as if I am useless; or being given so much unwanted sympathy and 'care' that I feel smothered. Over the years these frequent experiences led me to hide my real state of health. Pretending I'm fine avoids the judgement. This play acting is actually a lie. I remember there's a precept about truth and lies.

The lies grew when, so accustomed to being judged by the unqualified, I started telling these lies to myself too. That then led to failure when I convinced myself that I could undertake a particular task - and soon realised that I couldn't.

During my last conversation with Jundo, those old patterns of hiding my health condition started popping up again - but this time I stopped and told the truth - for maybe the first time in years. What a lightbulb moment!

I know that Treeleaf isn't a place to offload my health concerns or to moan about being sick. But Treeleaf is a safe place where I can disclose my state of health, when relevant, and in return receive no judgement and bucket loads of support.

With gratitude and bows,
Seiko
stlah

Tai Do
Satlah

[Nengei]

I know that Treeleaf isn't a place to offload my health concerns or to moan about being sick. But Treeleaf is a safe place where I can disclose my state of health, when relevant, and in return receive no judgement and bucket loads of support.

And it is a place where being with what is does not mean hiding what is or pretending that isn't, and where your struggles with being connect with someone else halfway around the globe. When we say here is what I am living with, and here is how I mold my practice to it, it is a wonderful, helpful, giving thing.

Gassho,
Nengei
Sat today. LAH.

Please forgive any indication that I am trying to teach anything. I am a priest in training with no qualifications or credentials for teaching Zen practice or the Dharma.

[Naiko]

Naiko
st lah

[Seiko]

This week was a tough one, with exhaustion and low energy levels. But the sun still rises each morning. I am still here sitting and so are you.

Gasshō
Seiko
stlah

[Tokan]

This week was a tough one, with exhaustion and low energy levels. But the sun still rises each morning. I am still here sitting and so are you.

Gasshō
Seiko
stlah

Hey Seiko

Echoing Nengei, I would reflect that if we were all together in a zendo or monastery somewhere, our lives would be fully known to each other, even that which was not shared often becomes known or understood when you live so intimately with others. Although we share this place online for the most part, the bonds of sangha are the same if you ask me. This is one of the beautiful aspects of zazen, truly, I sit as myself, as you, with me, with you, my suffering is your suffering and vice-versa, is ultimately 'neither suffering nor not suffering.' Off-loading carries the implication that you are taking something off of your shoulders and placing it on someone else's, but the 'other' person would have to receive what you off-load as a burden for it to be a burden. You know, I reckon if you can't talk about 'your' suffering in a zen forum we might have misunderstood the teachings lol! But I have experienced this elsewhere, so we are remarkably fortunate (but not lucky) to have such a great group of people here who "get it," from the depths of their marrow to the pores of their skin. I forget the sutra reference now, but I always recall the story of the Buddha ministering to a monk with dysentery when all the other monks just walked past, leaving him in his mess and ill health. The Buddha personally cared for this person which, as a teaching for how I should be in this world, I hope never to forget. We must be there for each other, as sangha, with the mind of a 'mother caring for her child,' not to judge, only to love and support.

I am grateful for your presence here Seiko

Gassho, Tokan

satlah