Zen Practice with Physical Illness or Disability

[Shonin Risa Bear]

Right, Anna! A kindness to oneself is a kindness to all, Dogen said, or something like it, somewhere ... also one does not know what one might say, even in anger or anguish, that may prove to be a dharma moment to someone -- we see, for example, your wife's kind acts in many of your posts, Tai Shi, and so unknown to us but through you, she through you and with you blesses us all. _()_

gassho
doyu sat/LAH today

[Onka]

Today I am very sad. As a person with bipolar 1, with psychotic features, and until someone mentioned my exact diagnosis, I was afraid, tell me of what? I am about to cry because I am subject to snap decisions, gotten me in deep trouble in the past. My therapist says I am fairly normal. These are words a patient longs to hear. But, sometimes I am still making bad decisions. For example, I got into trouble with a credit card, and now my wife is allowing me to dig myself out. So far has not affected good credit. Then again recently I expelled myself from Treeleaf writing to Jundo in no uncertain terms. 15 minutes later found me almost in a panic attack thinking I had abandoned one of the few places I could begin to understand anything. To make things worse, took a walk down two streets only to find I could not walk home, so called my angle wife to come and get me (new total knee, not going so well) so see, my Ankylosing Spondylitis can lead me to think I'm getting better when I'm not, then the nerve wrapped around a bone stabs me in the neck. Oh! Sure, you can say this is because of age (68) but I've had bipolar since 22, and AS has been noted since age 41. These diseases are not well understood. It is certain, there are no cures, only drugs, for a while, in addition to getting daily 22 pills, I was giving myself shots twice a week, now just every 4 weeks, then there are the periodic IV s of iron, saline, and yet another biological. These are just the medications, then there're the therapies since age 22. When a man suffers from added C.O.P.D. and does three inhalers. These are the facts of several chronic illness. I spend much of my time in treatment. It's wonderful that a man and wife have a three-day respite from driving into town every day, about 14 miles (22.53 km) to hospitals. Don't forget alcoholism 32 years in remission, and rejection by jobs one is trained for. That's what we have now. 3 days off. I'm relaxed sitting in my easy chair, listening to music. AND, writing, my passion.
Tai Shi
sat/lah
Gassho

In my humble opinion Tai Shi you are perfectly imperfect like the rest of us misfits.
One of my mates is Bipolar and her swings from reckless and dangerous behaviour to physically debilitating depression make being her friend quite difficult at times. In saying that, I've learnt over the years that when I need a break from her I can be brutally honest and tell her straight. Her hospital stays can often be many months at a time and are a huge burden on her family so I try to ease the pressure on them by visiting her almost daily and assisting her to understand how her expectations are affecting her relationships (for some reason I can get through to her when she's at her most manic and most depressed, maybe because I don't put up with bullsh*t).
As for my own bullsh*t... I don't tend to burn bridges Tai Shi, I tend to blow them to pieces lol. Being Autistic with bonus ADHD I am more than capable of losing my sh*t - regularly! and more than this, I'm regularly in a position where I feel the need to apologise profusely for my behaviour and actions. Friends and loved ones understand my actions and behaviour but rightfully don't excuse them, and more to the point I don't ask to be excused either.
Of course you are going to do things you regret Tai Shi, your brain is wired in a way that is out of your control. This doesn't give you the green light to be a dick but it should... SHOULD give you permission to be kind to yourself.
Take it easy Tai Shi.
Gassho
Anna

ST

[Tai Shi]

Today I am very sad. As a person with bipolar 1, with psychotic features, and until someone mentioned my exact diagnosis, I was afraid, tell me of what? I am about to cry because I am subject to snap decisions, gotten me in deep trouble in the past. My therapist says I am fairly normal. These are words a patient longs to hear. But, sometimes I am still making bad decisions. For example, I got into trouble with a credit card, and now my wife is allowing me to dig myself out. So far has not affected good credit. Then again recently I expelled myself from Treeleaf writing to Jundo in no uncertain terms. 15 minutes later found me almost in a panic attack thinking I had abandoned one of the few places I could begin to understand anything. To make things worse, took a walk down two streets only to find I could not walk home, so called my angle wife to come and get me (new total knee, not going so well) so see, my Ankylosing Spondylitis can lead me to think I'm getting better when I'm not, then the nerve wrapped around a bone stabs me in the neck. Oh! Sure, you can say this is because of age (68) but I've had bipolar since 22, and AS has been noted since age 41. These diseases are not well understood. It is certain, there are no cures, only drugs, for a while, in addition to getting daily 22 pills, I was giving myself shots twice a week, now just every 4 weeks, then there are the periodic IV s of iron, saline, and yet another biological. These are just the medications, then there're the therapies since age 22. When a man suffers from added C.O.P.D. and does three inhalers. These are the facts of several chronic illness. I spend much of my time in treatment. It's wonderful that a man and wife have a three-day respite from driving into town every day, about 14 miles (22.53 km) to hospitals. Don't forget alcoholism 32 years in remission, and rejection by jobs one is trained for. That's what we have now. 3 days off. I'm relaxed sitting in my easy chair, listening to music. AND, writing, my passion.
Tai Shi
sat/lah
Gassho

[Onka]

Zazen in a chair or in the air or on a bear or on the stairs or with Fred Astaire is still perfectly lovely wonderful complete Zazen ... if the mind feels it so.

Zazen in brilliant full Lotus is bad Zazen if the mind is judging "good vs. bad."

Gassho, J

STLah

🙏

[Shokai]

Zazen in a chair or in the air or on a bear or on the stairs or with Fred

Nice Dr. Seuss imitation but, don't give up the day job just yet

gassho, shokai

stlah

[Jundo]

Not just a chair. I once rested my hands on my walking stick! No one said anything for which I was thankful. That was a bad day though. Bottom line is, you do what you can because Zazen in a chair is better than no Zazen.

ST/LAH (gave the dog her medication)

Zazen in a chair or in the air or on a bear or on the stairs or with Fred Astaire is still perfectly lovely wonderful complete Zazen ... if the mind feels it so.

Zazen in brilliant full Lotus is bad Zazen if the mind is judging "good vs. bad."

Gassho, J

STLah

[brucef]

Not just a chair. I once rested my hands on my walking stick! No one said anything for which I was thankful. That was a bad day though. Bottom line is, you do what you can because Zazen in a chair is better than no Zazen.

ST/LAH (gave the dog her medication)

[Tai Do]

Mateus
Sat today/LAH

[Onka]

I'm over 60, with multiple herniated lumbar discs, a neurological disorder that affects my balance, and a badly healed torn meniscus in my right knee; which back in the day was damaged further by months of obstinate sitting on a zafu despite the pain.
I've a Kennedy rocker in the corner of my zendo for reading. One day as I was sitting there, I really tuned in to what an admirable chair it is; at equilibrium, with both feet flat on the floor, thighs level, back straight; touching just enough in the lumbar spine to offer just enough support; arms low enough to not interfere with my Dhyana mudra, yet sturdy enough to help me out of my chair, it's actually the perfect chair for meditation; at least it is for me.
It occurred to me that at this time in my life I no longer need to conform; there isn't a sangha for over 100 miles in any direction; I sit alone. So now I sit zazen quite comfortably in my rocker. My body can now sit longer than my mind; it actually feels like "the Dharma gate of joyous ease".

My second favorite zazen chair is a rough wooden bench at the summit of Jackrabbit Mountain in the Nantahala National Forest. I try to sit there a couple of times a week on my forest 'kinh hanh' rambles, but that's another story.

Sat today...in a chair

I too sit in a chair for Zazen Emmet.
My partner and I recently found a cheap reclining chair at a charity shop which has transformed my ability to 'sit'. We also managed to find an outdoor type chair that can recline. With my fancy cushion that has a cutaway to take pressure off of my spine I can now even do Zazen outdoors. Although I am still regularly sitting while lying down in the laying Buddha type position being able to recline has been a game changer. Without these chairs there is no way I would be able to prepare for Jukai this year or sew a Rakusu.
Solidarity to you comrade and all others with challenges that make traditional sitting impossible, particularly those of us with less visible disabilities.
Gassho
Anna
ST

[Shokai]

mw too

[Emmet]

I'm over 60, with multiple herniated lumbar discs, a neurological disorder that affects my balance, and a badly healed torn meniscus in my right knee; which back in the day was damaged further by months of obstinate sitting on a zafu despite the pain.
I've a Kennedy rocker in the corner of my zendo for reading. One day as I was sitting there, I really tuned in to what an admirable chair it is; at equilibrium, with both feet flat on the floor, thighs level, back straight; touching just enough in the lumbar spine to offer just enough support; arms low enough to not interfere with my Dhyana mudra, yet sturdy enough to help me out of my chair, it's actually the perfect chair for meditation; at least it is for me.
It occurred to me that at this time in my life I no longer need to conform; there isn't a sangha for over 100 miles in any direction; I sit alone. So now I sit zazen quite comfortably in my rocker. My body can now sit longer than my mind; it actually feels like "the Dharma gate of joyous ease".

My second favorite zazen chair is a rough wooden bench at the summit of Jackrabbit Mountain in the Nantahala National Forest. I try to sit there a couple of times a week on my forest 'kinh hanh' rambles, but that's another story.

Sat today...in a chair

[Tai Shi]

Hi men, and women members. Right now as I sit before computer screen, my neck and shoulders are surrounded with frozen gel pack. I buy, not to endorse, on Amazon. No drug can begin to touch my pain right now, but the gel pack, collar, helps, and sometimes I can sit for 20 min, or even 30 min, I've been sitting for some time daily or so as I have the time. A little less than 20 yrs ago my conditions made it possible to go on Social Security Disability Insurance and when I applied, I had it in the unheard time of 60 days. This is the minimum. Because I have both bipolar type one, and Ankylosing Spondylitis, a rear form of arthritis of the spine, my eyes, lungs, and even heart affected. So, this was not so lucky, because it brought with it two artificial knees. I worked along with S.S.D.I. and almost lost the less than $10,000 a year I was expected to live on, and Jundo knows, I am married to a more than wonderful wife who has made it possible to drive a new car, pay for a home, and send a brilliant daughter to a "best" college. All considered I would have rather worked full-time-- never in my wildest dreams possible. I sit in a straight back chair with left shoulder propped against basement wall. My alter stretches out before my chair with Buddhist meditation cushion, Amazon again. AA's meetings take out of our home, and the occasional movie. But, most days find me typing with one finger and thumb. And, left index finger to shift. I am lucky again, because my wife's job and on int retirement has meant the best medical care. Hence, I am 67. I was not expected to live much beyond 60. I am now a committed Buddhist. Stuff happens.

Tai Shi
sat/lah
Gassho

[Shonin]

Always a pleasure, Jundo. Great to see you again.I follow a lot of your posts on Facebook. Im just a quiet member.
_/\_ ST/LAH

[Jundo]

Good read very insightful since I have several things wrong with my back and neck. None of which are currently being treated. I cant zafu sit. I was always hoping to adjust because I like my zafu and now it just sits in the closet. When I sit ( which comes and goes for reasons I wont get into) I chair sit. I do the "proper" chair sit with back straight for as long as I can but usually around 10 min I have to use the back of the chair like one would normally sit. So, it's always encouraging to see posts like this and helps me accept that I will never be able to sit traditionally even though I really want to.

_/\_ Dave

Shonin! One of our original Treeleaf folks, 10 years on now!

Gassho, Jundo

SattodayLAH

[Shonin]

Good read very insightful since I have several things wrong with my back and neck. None of which are currently being treated. I cant zafu sit. I was always hoping to adjust because I like my zafu and now it just sits in the closet. When I sit ( which comes and goes for reasons I wont get into) I chair sit. I do the "proper" chair sit with back straight for as long as I can but usually around 10 min I have to use the back of the chair like one would normally sit. So, it's always encouraging to see posts like this and helps me accept that I will never be able to sit traditionally even though I really want to.

_/\_ Dave