[HealthDharma] So, I'm Neurodiverse...

[Huichan]

First of all apologies for running long. Have a sort of ‘need’ to get this out. I'm also a bit anxious about saying all this out to a lot of people and know that there could be many holes in what I say. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from when I say this.

The last 10 months have been a bit of a journey for me but to cut a long story short, I have realised I am autistic. I'm still not sure whether I will pursue a formal diagnosis but feel I understand enough to be able to say that I am autistic without going through that process. I know that some may feel that I shouldn't call myself autistic withouth a formal diagnosis. A lot of this understanding has developed from my current job in Special Educational Needs and Disabilities, which I'm also finishing a postgrad level degree in.

I have previously known that I had autistic traits but dismissed it as I thought it could be attributed more to childhood trauma. Whilst that has certainly made some traits more obvious, I've come to the realisation it's deeper than that and there were many signs in my earlier childhood as well as there being more traits than I realised.

After having had trouble processing this when I first realised I am autistic, I now feel a sense of relief that many of my 'problems' can now be explained and gives me a clearer framework to refer to. There isn't anything 'wrong' with me, I'm just different. Everything just make sense now.

I now understand my social awkardness, lack of friendships, not knowing where to look when talking to people, having intense interests, being able to talk non-stop about some things and not a word about other things, not wanting my routine changed, not being able to explain my feelings well, having a need for logic, finding it difficult to juggle too much at once, the need to recover from social situations, getting annoyed with seemingly minor things easily, feeling like I have different personas at home and out in the world, feeling uncomfortable when people visit my house, coming across as rude to some people, certain situations just tiring me out, feeling overwhelmed so much and many many many more things.

Anyway, I wanted to write something here as it does relate to my practice and my troubles with shikantaza. It's obvious to me that since I first started sitting with Treeleaf, I was more concerned with the physical side of sitting, almost like going throught the motions. As long as I could just sit more or less still (often I wasn't really sitting still), it was OK for me. My mind was generally just wondering and I wasn't very skillful at bringing my attention back to my sit. It was having a positive effect in my life, so I just thought it didn't matter too much and would get 'better'.

When starting to do longer sits at my temple, this was getting increasingly difficult, so would add some breathing techniques to help me at the start of my sits but generally after that would be able to sit for a while until the physical side would get the better of me. I basically wasn't very relaxed and was forcing myself to sit, not getting much out of it during the longer sits and my mind was just freely wandering all over the place.

After a bit of a breakthrough in allowing myself to sit in a more comfortable position as well as learning some more techniques and styles to help me feel more relaxed, my practice just seemed to feel like 'this is how it should be to sit'. This was based on a practice to cultivate Metta as well mindfulness of breathing. It just all seemed right. It gave me more of an anchor. However, this wasn't shikantaza and even before it probably couldn't be described as shikantaza. I actually felt a bit guilty attending Zazenkai as I felt I wasn't being honest, which is why over the last few months, my attendance hasn't been great.

But with this recent realisation of being autistic, it suddenly makes sense why I have benefitted from using these techniques in my sitting practice. I know many autistic people feel shikantaza is perfect for them but it's like I currently don't have the skill for it.

So, I just want to say that I appreciate Treeleaf a lot and hope to continue sitting with you all, even if what I do isn't totally in line with what Dogen taught. I hope this is OK?

I could write more but am aware it could turn into a book to try explain all of this, as I feel I'm developing a new special interest on the intersection of Buddhist practice and autism.

E2A: Just realised I said I'm neurodiverse in the title and not neurodivergent, rookie mistake


慧禅
sltah

[Kokuu]

Hi Huichan

I hope it is okay to say, but this doesn't surprise me, and I can imagine that it is helpful for you to have this self-knowledge going forward, whether or not you seek a formal diagnosis.

My friend Anlor, who is a priest in Norman Fischer's Everyday Zen sangha, is also autistic and she has written about this in a few places, and runs a sitting group for fellow autistic Buddhists:

On the Spectrum, On the Path
Autism Therapy and Zen
Autsit

You may have already read it, but Unmasking Autism is also a great book.

Thank you for sharing how your neurodiversity affects your practice. It is really helpful to know that, both for people who are neurodiverse, and those who are not.

And thank you for your practice.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Huichan]

I think after our last conversation, I thought you wouldn't be surprised. It's comforting to know that, though.

[Bion]

Must be a relief to come to a realization that offers answers for nagging questions. Good for you! Think you might pursue getting confirmation for your self-assessment?
Thank you for sharing!

gassho
sat and lah

[Huichan]

I might if I can do it without my wife finding out how much it will cost

[Bion]

Ooooh… haha

Gassho
Sat and lah

[Myojin]

Hi Huichan,

Self knowledge doesn't come easily, so it's a huge step in the right direction for you to even consider the possibility that you may have autism. I'm no psychiatrist, so I couldn't offer an informed opinion one way or the other, but several of the things you mention spring out to me as aspects of my own practice, I think I can see where you're coming from. Sometimes sitting is near physical anguish, often the mind is either a fog, vague and impossible to focus, other times racing with a million things at once. Likewise the body, while often these days settling into zazen is like settling into a hot bath, that was something that only came with time and it is as often agitated, fidgety, and sometimes it's all I can do to keep bum and zafu connected until the bell rings, to say nothing of what the mind is up to at such time! If my routine is disturbed that can throw a spanner in the works, and zazen is one of the first things to be disrupted at such times sine it requires refined mental balance that often isn't possible once the moment is gone and my mind has moved on to whatever is next.

I have the same thing in other areas, at work I'm either hyper focussed or nearly asleep, get distracted very easily, don't like being disturbed or having my routines disrupted. I can also talk until the cows come home about subjects that interest me (just ask Jundo!), or not at all if I feel I don't have the sufficient knowledge or just simple lack of interest, and have had to consciously learn social cues in order to function as a human being. I often come off as aloof to other people, or socially awkward, and have been described as oddly distant albeit friendly enough. I generally prefer my own company and get socially overloaded very easily and need to go and sit somewhere quiet frequently at social events. A relative of mind has ADHD, as does another close friend, and although there are similarities (hyper fixations, and no attention span for things that don't interest me) I'm not like them, much more insular and socially inept, perhaps it's something with a label, that would not surprise me one bit,

Anyway, as for zen practice. I'm just a beginner really, although I've done similar practices for a long time, one thing I find useful when shikantaza isn't happening is susokukan, breath counting, not in a forced way, but just bringing the mind back by counting the breath from 1 to 100, starting again when I lose track or the mind wanders more than a couple of thoughts away from the sitting (this is a Rinzai thing so I don't know what the official line is, but I've found it useful). I've also found Tai chi to be mentally engaging enough to keep my mind on track, as well as Aikido, both of which also teach profound body and spacial awareness. Such things help bring the mind to the present and keep it there (unless sensei starts talking then my mind will wander), but the point is, once you know your mechanisms and limitations you can tailor your practice to fit, if sitting isn't working, perhaps kinhin, or something else.

Just my two cents, sorry for running long, this is more in the way of sharing common feeling really, perhaps some of it is useful to you?

Gassho

Myojin

-Sattday

[Huichan]

Very useful. I think what I'm finding most useful is understanding the experience of others more.

[Jundo]

Hi Huichan,

Here in "Science City" Tsukuba, filled with engineers and scientists, I have heard some say that maybe a quarter of the engineers and scientists are "on the spectrum." It is very common.

I also want to say that, if you are sitting "cultivating Metta" or with "mindfulness of breathing," but with trust that doing so is complete, no other place to be in the world during such time, nothing more to do, doing so for doing so's sake ... then it is pretty much Shikantaza.

Gassho, Jundo

stlah

[Huichan]

Yes, it seems it's more common than most realise. I'm finding this in my work