[MentalHealth] Do you Practice with a Mental Health Condition?

[Kokuu]

Dear all

Yesterday I did a day of training in suicide awareness and prevention associated with my volunteer work on a chronic illness helpline. One thing that was discussed was that having religious belief and a religious community to turn to often acts as a protective factor against suicide. Probably much of the research is on Christianity but I think that the point still stands in relation to Zen and Buddhism. Douglas (Ddixon) pointed out in the introductory thread here that having a supportive community is beneficial with regard to most mental health conditions, and this has been often demonstrated through research.

So, while At Treeleaf we cannot offer therapy or medical advice, we are here to listen and support you if you are going through mental health struggles. As we often say 'All of life is our practice' and that applies equally here. Please do feel free to share what you are going through.

This is another more introductory thread for anyone who wishes to post if they practice with a mental health condition and if they find Zazen or any aspect of what we do here to be helpful. It is hoped that those with mental health conditions can help to support each other through their on experience and understanding, much as we do with respect to physical health conditions and neurodiversity. Sharing your story is an act of generosity as it encourages others to do so, and may help them to feel less alone.

I also hope it goes without saying that mental health conditions can happen to anyone and are in no way an indication of the strength of anyone's practice, moral character or strength of will.

In the Buddha's time, there is the story of Patacara, who loses her entire family which causes a bout of madness. Patacara tears off her clothes and screams at anyone who tries to dress her, eventually becoming ostracised from her whole village. Fortunately, she finds refuge in the presence and teachings of the Buddha and I hope we can offer a similar refuge here.

Patacara shares her story in the collection of poems from nuns of the Buddha's sangha, the Therigatha (Verses of Elder Nuns): https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipi...6.01.than.html

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Guest]

https://youtube.com/shorts/H0Qjq34v4m8?si=B494MtPWlJJSIEgP

She's my new favourite comedian. She's hilarious!!!

I just had to share.

_/\_

sat/ah

Matt

[Jundo]

Very good.

Gassho, Jundo
stlah

[Fâtih]

I have been living with my diagnoses of obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety and Borderline personality disorder for a long time, frankly I am suffering. The fear of death, the fear of losing my loved ones, the fear of losing my comfort zone haunt me. On top of that, I am a gay member of a homophobic society! It took me a long time to accept myself, to realise that I am not a cursed person.
At the same time, I am still in the process of leaving Islam, my former religion, and the thought of burning in hell for eternity terrifies me.
But the precious wisdom I receive from my zazen practices and my dear friends in our sangha lessens my pain.
First of all, when I sit in zazen I discover an area of my mind that is not thinking. I realise that thinking is not the only mental reality. I also experience that this mind is beyond the attitude of I know and I don't know. There is nothing missing! Experiencing this reduces my attachment to philosophical theories.
My dependence on my ego has also relatively decreased. This allows me to have relatively less fear of death and to project less of my repressed bad sides to others.
I have been sitting for years, I have sat today, and I will continue to do so. My friends in our sangha, the wisdom and practice flowing here is a great consolation to me!
I apologise for taking so long.

Gassho, Fâtih, Stlh

[Tai Shi]

I am an old "hand" here at Treeleaf Zendo. In 1974, I was 22 years old, I had graduated from College the spring before, and I was walking the tomato fields in and near San Jose, California, I had graduated from an academic college, Grinnell College fifty miles east of Des Moine, Iowa, a friend who was a medical student and another friend, who was slowly becoming an Orthotist, came to visit me that summer and they gave me a two-way hit of LSD which stuck into my Billfold for a rainy day. That fall I was with my college girlfriend and two acquaintances from the same college, and the four of us had graduated from college just the spring before. I pulled out the blotter acid, and Don cut it into four hits. I took one of them, and the other three people took the other three parts. We took the Berkeley City Transit to Tilden Park and hiked the remainder to a site overlooking San Francisco Bay. We began to feel the acid work, and the next week, being very crazy, later learned about my first Manic episode, The next 6 or 8 weeks, the nightmare of dropping out of graduate school at Sonoma State University English department just in time to avoid paying tuition with the last of the money I needed to take a Continental Trailways Bus from Berkeley to Des Moine and the waiting arms of my mother while I suffered from untreated mental illness. I will not detain the previous eight weeks in and out of places in Berkeley and San Francisco. In the next few weeks, I began my feelings toward others. I started to smoke cigarettes. My mother took me to the county hospital where I was admitted after it was explained that I had no money. I went directly to the West One security ward of Broad Lawns Hospital. I remember saying to myself, "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here," the words Dante had seen written above the Gates of Hell as he and Virgil entered into Limbo. Over the next four years, I went through all the rings of Hell, guided by a therapist, Sandra Davis. At the end of numerous suicide attempts and a half dozen drugs, I expected, I was taking a drug that is no longer used in Psychiatry. I had not exactly been accepted into the MA English, EdS higher education dual degree program, but a friend had found me an apartment in Iowa City, Iowa, and after that fall taking two classes, graduate-level Poetry Writing, and graduate-level Writing for Personal and Private purposes. In December I earned two graduate courses, six credits toward the MA/EdS, and my life was set for the next three and a half years, the second year I became a regular T.A and began to teach Writing, Reading, and Public Speaking at the Rhetoric Program where I was a graduate student halfway through my Master of Arts in English. Educational-Specialist in higher education/teaching, and I had discovered a pretty co-ed who I have been married to for 43 years this year, and since 1982. In 1976 I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, and in 2011 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and that has stuck with me ever since. I am highly unusual. I earned three advanced degrees and became the father of a beautiful little girl. I have been married for almost 43 years, and we have been together for forty-five years. I highly recommend a long courtship and getting to know each other well before you tie the knot, I have kept the bipolar diagnosis, and I have been told that is why I have survived the way I have as a College English teacher and writer of poetry, three books one of which may be published this year. It has sometimes been a rough ride, and I almost ended up in the State Hospital at Clarinda, Iowa, but I live in Hartford, South Dakota, and we own our cute Ranch Style Home. In 2014, I walked to a better place, a calming place, my home ever since Treeleaf Soto Zendo, and like so many places in my life, it seems like an accident. Now I write and sit and talk with other members at Treeleaf Zendo, and I plan two more books before I die bringing the total to five. I quit smoking in 2001, stopped drinking alcohol in 1987, and quit compulsive buying in 2019. I have been sitting in Zazen since 2014. Shikantaza.
Gassho
lah/ sat today

[Junsho]

Tai Shi What a story! I was about to share my story but reading yours, seems that whatever I say will not have the same impact to our folks here. The only thing that I can tell here as a person that suffer with anxiety and panic attack (caused by a decade of excessive work) is that even though zazen is good for nothing, at least for my experience, seems that zazen also helps to control both panic and anxiety. (Even though it is not a cure).

I used to have very often crisis but after sit diligently for almost a decade now, my mind issues just manifest sometimes and not with the impact as used to have in my life. The monster seems dominated to hopefully never more escape from his jail.

Never stop to fight.

Gassho!
SatLah

[Hoseki]

Hi folks,

I have ADHD and think growing up with it led to a generalized anxiety disorder. It's particularly worse around people but it's more global than that. Periodically, I also get suicidal ideation that ranges from wishing I was dead (usually when I'm very stressed) to thinking about how I might kill myself. I think that's one of the initial things that brought me to Buddhism. The idea I could get way from all of it. Of course it doesn't work that way. I often think of this quote from Plato, “Crito, I owe the sacrifice of a rooster to Asklepios; will you pay that debt and not neglect to do so?”. Nietzsche wrote that it means Socrates was indebted to Asklepios because he was finally being cured of the illness of life. I feel that way a lot. But I'm OK! Feelings come and go.

Gassho,

Hoseki
sattoday/lah

[nonexistent]

Hello everyone,

I have dealt with severe depression and GAD for 11 years now, both treatment-resistant. I have done all different kinds of therapy and have tried lots of different medications, and even did ketamine infusions! I was just approved for TMS treatments today, but I do not know if I will go through with it (that would be 2hrs of driving 5 days per week for 7 weeks straight!).

I find that sitting Zazen is helpful... when I can do it regularly. My biggest issue with many habits is doing them consistently. Even the smallest things I can't seem to do for more than a week straight. I tried doing one exercise every day in the morning and before bed (lateral raises), but I couldn't keep up with it for very long.

If I don't have an external motivator, it is difficult for me to do things. For example: If I have an appointment to go to, I will wake up on time so that I am not late and charged a fee for missing my appointment. However, if I don't have anywhere I need to be, I will turn off my alarm and go back to sleep.

I wonder what can be done to make myself do the things that I know I should be doing without some external motivator (aka a "punishment?").

However, I will say that I sat today, so that is a win.

[Kokuu]

If I don't have an external motivator, it is difficult for me to do things. For example: If I have an appointment to go to, I will wake up on time so that I am not late and charged a fee for missing my appointment. However, if I don't have anywhere I need to be, I will turn off my alarm and go back to sleep.

I wonder what can be done to make myself do the things that I know I should be doing without some external motivator (aka a "punishment?").

However, I will say that I sat today, so that is a win.

That sounds hard and I can imagine that many people just think it is a case of not being bothered or not trying hard enough. My son has ADHD and he struggles with this too, and I must admit I have previously found it frustrating but am understanding it more now.

Has any therapist or anyone suggested anything that might help?

Does anyone here have a similar problem and finds ways to motivate themselves?

Thank you for sharing and well done for sitting today!

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Onki]

Hey All,

I’m very happy to see this sub forum here at Treeleaf. As someone that struggles daily with mental illness (and there is a lot more here than one would think) I believe having Sangha support is so beneficial and critical.

I have a host of mental illnesses including borderline personality disorder, major depression, OCD, generalized anxiety, and ADHD plus learning and memory issues. For a very long time (since the age of 15, I’m 38 now) I tried to push away, ignore, use substances, and run from my own mind in an attempt to not feel the mental anguish that I experienced daily. At my lowest I would do anything to distance myself from the voices for as long as possible to escape my pain. I didn’t like looking at myself in mirrors as I didn’t like what I saw. I felt in my heart that I existed to help others, but how could I help others if I couldn’t help myself?

I attempted to start medication for my depression since that was my first diagnosis but because of homophobia and how Indigenous folks aren’t seen in the brightest light (back then, at least, we were seen as drunks and addicts) I was turned away. It was only after my first suicide attempt that I was taken seriously.

I remember bits and pieces along my journey (potentially a defense mechanism and a lot from memory loss). I was able to start medications to treat my mental illnesses however now I was being over-treated. My doctor would give me anything and everything, including opioids (which I ended up getting addicted to) and tranquilizers. Now I felt absolutely nothing. I was a zombie drooling on my couch, not knowing where I was a lot of the time. Self harm let me feel something, even if it was physical pain. I would have rather felt physical pain than emotional pain any day.

During this time, I was sitting zazen with a Sangha as well as reading books on Buddhism. I needed to be gently pushed to attend zazen since my medications made it very difficult to actually get up and function. I would sit and listen to Dharma talks from the teacher. What he said made sense yet I wasn’t ready to do anything. I was afraid. I felt hopeless.

Time went by. I had several more hospital/psych stays trying to get my medications corrected and myself feeling better. I would feel a bit better, leave the hospital, spiral, end up in the hospital, over and over. Finally, I was able to be hospital free for a sustained period of time after meeting my wife.

Deeper into Zen I went, reading, listening to talks, attending and becoming part of different Sanghas. Despite my attempts at running away and ignoring, I was still haunted by the voices and felt empty inside.

For the entirety of my life until recently I had been looking for something, anything, that would specifically tell me what to do - something that would show me the way that I was supposed to go in order to ease my brokenness. I searched high and low through books, Dharma talks, the internet, podcasts, etc. These things were great at telling someone else’s story through their own lens. I never did find anything tangible until I stopped looking outside of myself and turned the mirror inward.

This reminds me of a story in Shōbōgenzō. The story goes:


One day when Nangaku came to Baso’s hut, Baso stood up to receive him. Nangaku asked him, “What have you been doing recently?”

Baso replied, “Recently I have been doing the practice of seated meditation exclusively.”

Nangaku asked, “And what is the aim of your seated meditation?”

Baso replied, “The aim of my seated meditation is to achieve Buddhahood.”

Thereupon, Nangaku took a roof tile and began rubbing it on a rock near Baso’s hut.

Baso, upon seeing this, asked him, “Reverend monk, what are you doing?”

Nangaku replied, “I am polishing a roof tile.”

Baso then asked, “What are you going to make by polishing a roof tile?”

Nangaku replied, “I am polishing it to make a mirror.”

Baso said, “How can you possibly make a mirror by rubbing a tile?”

Nangaku replied, “How can you possibly make yourself into a Buddha by doing seated meditation?”


As I mentioned previously, I kept looking outside of myself, wishing someone would just tell me what I needed to do in order to survive, to thrive, to start getting better mentally and physically. I eventually realized this was not possible.

I was beginning to see my Self, my actions/behaviours as they had been all along. I started to see things like hospital/psych ward visits and suicide attempts, as hospital/psych ward visits and suicide attempts. Nothing more, nothing less. Each time I needed to be hospitalized was my time to be hospitalized. I wish that I had known this as I wouldn’t have fought myself as well as the medical staff that were trying to help me (I wasn’t physically fighting them- I was mentally fighting and arguing, wanting to go home as soon as possible though that isn’t what I needed at the time).

Despite the tile in this story being polished, it was already more than good enough (something that I have struggled with my entire life). The tile was being polished to polish it. The tile was already the mirror.

Form is Emptiness,
Emptiness is Form.

Baso innately has Buddha Nature simply for being Baso. As for sitting Zazen, when Baso sits Zazen the entire universe is sitting Zazen.

So…

Could this be true for me too? Could I already possess Buddha Nature simply for being Onki? Could I already be good enough regardless of mental illnesses and disabilities?

Zen Buddhism has been integral in helping me manage my daily symptoms when I can feel that my mind is splitting (extreme black and white thinking, turning against myself), in teaching me about Emptiness in all things, and how everything is constantly changing, even my own mind.

My life with mental illness and disability continues to be a journey. I am always learning new things about my illnesses and new treatments/medications becoming available.

Thank you for reading. Let’s destigmatize mental illness together.

Gasshō,

On

[Marita]

How to follow, who to follow, when to follow. First of all, I'm still attempting to get a grip on following all the many threads here. Apologies, at first I thought only one person had posted! So I was shy to confess my ailments....
Now i see many of you have already posted.
I have PTSD issues from extreme childhood; depressive tendencies; good old anxiety/paranoia, and schizo-affective disorder.
I am fairly spiritual, following Jesus, Buddha and Krishna, etc. ....
I believe and follow the Gospel, as I understand it, as good news for all people.
Mahayana teaches universal "salvation", and i prefer that doctrine over some others.
I follow both self improvement and self acceptance.
Last but not least, I follow the path of an artist.
Great to be here.
Bows, hands ❤️ together

[Onki]

Hello everyone,

I have dealt with severe depression and GAD for 11 years now, both treatment-resistant. I have done all different kinds of therapy and have tried lots of different medications, and even did ketamine infusions! I was just approved for TMS treatments today, but I do not know if I will go through with it (that would be 2hrs of driving 5 days per week for 7 weeks straight!).

I find that sitting Zazen is helpful... when I can do it regularly. My biggest issue with many habits is doing them consistently. Even the smallest things I can't seem to do for more than a week straight. I tried doing one exercise every day in the morning and before bed (lateral raises), but I couldn't keep up with it for very long.

If I don't have an external motivator, it is difficult for me to do things. For example: If I have an appointment to go to, I will wake up on time so that I am not late and charged a fee for missing my appointment. However, if I don't have anywhere I need to be, I will turn off my alarm and go back to sleep.

I wonder what can be done to make myself do the things that I know I should be doing without some external motivator (aka a "punishment?").

However, I will say that I sat today, so that is a win.

Hi nonexistent,

We have similar afflictions. I have also done TMS therapy. Yes, it is very much a time commitment. When I was attending (I’ve completed 4 or 5 cycles) I would receive treatment every weekday for 6 weeks. I did find it to be helpful but actually getting on the referral list is another story.

Having an external motivator helps me as well, such as having a deadline or someone depending on me. I’m sure it’s my ADHD. Have you tried any apps that might be helpful? Having an accountability friend? They have something called body doubling which is essentially another person either in person or virtually in the same room as you while you complete whatever needs to be completed. Check out YouTube. I know they have some there.

Gasshō,

On

[Tai Shi]

I find reading Buddhist literature is very helpful! I hav found three books on Buddhism very helpful. Zen Mind, Beginner Mind, Peace is every Step, and Realizing Gengokoan, one Sutra is helpful to me because it gives me the opportunity for practicing equality, The Lotus Sutra and introduction of a fine American translation. I have been trying to learn more about The Heart Sutra by reading Red Pine’s translation and commentary. It’s important for me to know what it means to be a Buddhist.. I love practicing Shikantaza and I become more moral by studying the Precepts in The Mind of Clover, and I have enjoyed the commentaries posted by Jundo about the Precepts iin Buddhism. I find one of the Christian teachings useful, Jesus Christ said “Love one another.” He also mentions the first covenant of the Bible which I find like the Precepts. I still have some difficulty with anger but I am better than I used to be according to my wife and I think it has helped me that I have found with my psychiatrist a medication that works and with my psychologist a therapy program that helps. I highly suggest that if you’re looking for a therapist and psychiatrist keep at until you find people who can help.
Gassho
lah/sat

[Shinkon]

I have meant to complete a post on this forum for some time now. To lay out my mental health experiences and history seemed daunting. The few times that I started raised a few painful memories. I will not be so in-depth to be tedious but not so curt as to seem trite.
Like many out there, I suffer from childhood PTSD (C-PTSD). It ran gauntlet of mental and physical abuse for most of my childhood. My bipolar mother and stoic father embraced the rod. Since many of us know that this already poisonous mix means, I will not go further. Take those ingredients, mix them with a strict eastern European catholic upbringing, voila – this was my first 18 years.
What did not improve my condition was my 11 years of military service. I served five years in the US Army reserves, then three more in the navy. While I did have some good experiences from my military service, it was not a good fit for me. Having a creative mind, I did not fit well into the required mold. During my last year, command discharged me due to physical and mental health illnesses: multiple sclerosis and a misdiagnosis of bipolar type 1.
It was not until many years later that a competent psychiatrist re-evaluated my mental condition, resulting in depression and high executive functioning autism, known today as ASD. To this day, I thank the doctor for his guidance and direction toward sound mental health.
As many of us know, depression remains a constant companion no matter the season. Most times it remains managed, but lately, the stress of a recent divorce and the associated financial fallout burdens my days with constant overcast skies. My improved mobility and physical health lighten that load but do not have the strength to lift me up onto a sunnier plain.
What does help is this forum and others that foster my practice and increase my knowledge. Things are looking up. I know that warmer weather will help.
Also, for another day, I will write about the enduringly positive impact my practice has on my life.
I wish all of you well and that your mental health issues take a holiday often.
Gassho,
shinkon
satlah

[Kokuu]

I have meant to complete a post on this forum for some time now. To lay out my mental health experiences and history seemed daunting. The few times that I started raised a few painful memories. I will not be so in-depth to be tedious but not so curt as to seem trite.

Thank you so much for sharing that, Shinkon. It really helps others to know they are not alone with what they are sitting with.

Having that competent psychiatrist reassess you sounds like an important step, and I have heard that from other people (including our friend Tai Shi) that mental health conditions can often be misdiagnosed (or maybe they do not fit neatly into one category) and be re-evaluated later on.

Please do feel free to write about your experience with practice and your life but there is no hurry.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Ddixon]

that mental health conditions can often be misdiagnosed (or maybe they do not fit neatly into one category) and be re-evaluated later on.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

Sadly, because of insurance requirements this happens more often than it should. Furthermore, if anyone has read the DSM-V (do not recommend, unless you're licensed to diagnosis) it is easy to see how things can go unnoticed because nearly every diagnosis has shared similarities. Some of the more common "mistaken" diagnosis' are PTSD as a personality disorders, Bipolar vs Borderline, Uni-polar depression vs bipolar, and Autism in females (prevalent symptoms in the DSM are based on male traits).

The above is for informational purposes only, not intended for diagnosis'. I am a huge advocate that if you feel the diagnosis is incorrect, you should voice your concerns to the treating professional. If they do not budge, and you still disagree, use your right to get a second opinion.

Gassho,

Douglas
sat/lah