[HealthDharma] Fibromyalgia Ango

[Onki]

Hey All,

Let’s talk about fibromyalgia.
For me, fibromyalgia is an every day aspect of my life. Fibro affects everything that I do from sleeping, walking, sitting, chores around the house, the ability to do things independently, etc. This is only a handful of things I struggle with.

Pain

Constant pain. The kind of pain that feels like your body is on fire with no sign of an extinguisher. The kind of pain that drains your mental energy, causing impairment to do tasks and concentrate on anything. The kind of pain where simple movements are hell. Bed bound pain. Tears flow as nothing will ever make this pain go away completely. There are days where I must use a walker, but I can usually get away with my cane.

Anger, Regret, and Resentment

Anger for who I used to be. Anger for not being able to do activities I once loved. Anger for having this disease. Each day, I open my closet to get dressed. Everyday, I open that closet, I am reminded of who I once was: an educator with the public school district with business casual clothes hanging neatly on hangers, my blue Jiu jitsu gi sitting on a dusty shelf, a backpack full of backpacking and outdoor gear at my feet. These are daily reminders of my failures.

Learning to Accept Myself

Both the Precepts and the Dharma speak of The Middle Way, a teaching that is always in the back of my mind. I have made a vow to uphold these teachings in my daily life, regardless of what happens (or doesn’t happen.) I am disabled. This is a fact. This is a fact I have tried for years to push away and ignore. But despite my many, many attempts, each one was futile and in vein. I have lived (and let’s be honest, I still do) my life stuck in extremes, something that is both mentally and physically draining. My mind gets stuck on memories of what I used to do and who I used to be.

Change is Hard

Change is Scary

Devoting my life to living and breathing the Dharma, the Precepts, and all of the Everything in between, I can see fibromyalgia as its very own teaching:

Don’t rush

Breathe

Live this life, your life, and all of its messiness, pain, despair, resentments, rage…

Open your eyes… what do you see? Who do you see?

When in pain, don’t push it away. Easier said than done, I get it. Even for just a moment, sit with the pain.

When anger arises, feel that anger. No pushing. No ignoring.

Then the question becomes, “What can I do and how can I do it in a way that suits me?”

I am someone new. Every second. But am I really?

When I can be mobile, be mobile at my pace. Maybe one day I will be able to return to my work with accommodations, maybe not. I can find accessible ways to do the things that I shoved hastily into the closet.

I can’t do things the way I once did. I need frequent breaks, time to rest, and help with daily activities. There are people in my life, this Sangha, that support and love me who are understanding.

None of this will make my fibromyalgia go away. None of it.

That’s the point.

My life is an Ango of sorts; a fibromyalgia Ango.

A teacher once said to me as I lay in a hospital bed, “You are in a hospital. This is your Hospital Ango.”

I have fibromyalgia. I have good days and bad days… and that’s okay.

This is my Fibromyalgia Ango.

Gasshō,

On

sat/lah

[Shinkon]

Your practice and mine are parallel in many ways. Taking a cue from your thread title, I have a Multiple Sclerosis Ango.
Each step is a win.
A full night's sleep is a jewel.
Constant muscular pain reminds me of impermanence and that it can be an offering.
Ten years ago, I gave my son my backpack and hiking gear.
When I go to storage, an electric scooter and wheelchair remind me of how bad things can become and that my current mobility, as inhibited as it is, is a result of practice and determination.

While at times, I may feel alone on this journey. Most days, my practice carries me through the hours.

The sincerity of your practice carries you through, and the sangha supports you.

Thank you for your post and practice.

Gassho,
Shinkon
sat/lah

[Onki]

Your practice and mine are parallel in many ways. Taking a cue from your thread title, I have a Multiple Sclerosis Ango.
Each step is a win.
A full night's sleep is a jewel.
Constant muscular pain reminds me of impermanence and that it can be an offering.
Ten years ago, I gave my son my backpack and hiking gear.
When I go to storage, an electric scooter and wheelchair remind me of how bad things can become and that my current mobility, as inhibited as it is, is a result of practice and determination.

While at times, I may feel alone on this journey. Most days, my practice carries me through the hours.

The sincerity of your practice carries you through, and the sangha supports you.

Thank you for your post and practice.

Gassho,
Shinkon
sat/lah

Thank you Shinkon.

You and I definitely have similar chronic illnesses, especially when it comes to pain.

I’ve learned that pushing yourself through a pain flare to later be couch bound for the rest of the day isn’t helpful. I’m still trying to get the hang of “pacing,” much to my chagrin. But this is also Practice. Learning to listen to your body and not push yourself past what you can comfortably do.

Thanks for your comment.

Gasshō,

On

s/l