[HealthDharma] Turning Suffering Inside Out, chapter twelve, part two

[Kokuu]

Dear all

This week brings us to the end of our journey with Darlene and her book and I would like to thank you all for sharing it with me and I hope you have got a lot out of our read-along. I am grateful for all of your comments and questions and I am sorry that I have not always been able to answer them each directly.

The reading is pages 234-247 (from PERSONAL KOANS to the end of the chapter, and book).

In the first section on Personal Koans, Darlene talks of how she has found it helpful to formulate questions based on persistent struggles she is having with life, and that she sees this method as an updated and personal version of working with koans. She relates an example of how she first did this with regard to her smoking habit and, instead of her hope of finding out that it was repellent, actually noted that it brought her a way of carving out precious space during the day. However, with no intention to do so, a few days later she just gave up smoking.
Darlene goes on to say that her personal ‘koans’ have been very helpful to her, more so that the traditional koans that are studied in Zen, and another of those that she has worked with is in looking at the sense of separation she often felt from other people and events. With the help Richard Baker Roshi, she honed in on the fact that it was her sense of waiting for something to happen that caused the separation, rather than being in what is happening right here, right now. This can understandably happen when we have chronic illness, or mental health struggles as we want to get beyond the painful experience to a time when life is more enjoyable. However, the cost of that is separation from our life as it is.

Darlene explains that the power of the koan comes from having a sincere question and the willingness to explore it in its totality for as long as it takes. Breakthroughs usually do not happen overnight but can take time. She relates a number of students she has worked with on their own personal koans and the effect this had on their lives. One particular one that relates to chronic illness is a woman who had the question “What does it feel like to be a body?”.

On p246 a formulation is given for working with your own personal koans and this points to the question prompt for this week:


What would be a personal koan you would like to work on? Do you think you would do this?


I am taking a break from Treeleaf to focus on my own health but Seiko and Onki will be stepping in to guide this part of the forum. I wish you all well going forward.

Gassho
Kokuu

[Matt Johnson]

Dear all

Darlene explains that the power of the koan comes from having a sincere question and the willingness to explore it in its totality for as long as it takes. Breakthroughs usually do not happen overnight but can take time. She relates a number of students she has worked with on their own personal koans and the effect this had on their lives. One particular one that relates to chronic illness is a woman who had the question “What does it feel like to be a body?”.

On p246 a formulation is given for working with your own personal koans and this points to the question prompt for this week:


What would be a personal koan you would like to work on? Do you think you would do this?


I am taking a break from Treeleaf to focus on my own health but Seiko and Onki will be stepping in to guide this part of the forum. I wish you all well going forward.

The notion of working on our own personal koans resonates very deeply with me. Indeed, this has been my understanding of koans from the very beginning. I have never done formal koan training and so I kind of assumed that the teacher was assigning a case which they thought might elicit some connection to a personal issue which was apparent to the teacher but perhaps not to the student.
I had assumed that koans were actually devices that allowed teachers to deal with students personal blockages especially at a time when talking about mental health and societal conditioning was not really possible (especially if you were only meeting very briefly with your teacher and especially in China/Japan).

It is also what allowed me to connect what was going on in a blended Rinzai/Soto Sangha. From a Soto perspective it would seem that the koans can be in the the body while sitting like a silent Buddha. So while a person may be seeming to talk about their body and their problems with sitting they are also indirectly talking about the state of their mind. Just think of the countless people who go to the doctor's office talking about various bodily complaints which the doctor can do nothing for. It's also noteworthy that, especially for men, it can be easier to talk about what's going on with the body than the mind or emotions.

I must admit I am left with a feeling of dissatisfaction at the end of Darlene's book. On the one hand she shows tremendous insight into the mind/body connection and how she was able to use her illness as a source of wisdom and even to some extent heal herself and others.

And then she dies of a seemingly unrelated cancer (the type of cancer and some of the experiences she relates in the book is noteworthy). So while I totally believe that many enlightenment stories are related to healing or changing our orientation to our disease in order to ease suffering. It would appear that in some cases whatever it is that is troubling us is not something that we can change and eventually is what takes us out. And in all honesty that leaves me feeling a little sad.

This has been an excellent book and I would like to thank Kokuu deeply for his generosity and obvious compassion and attention to detail. You are an excellent example of how to be a priest!

All the best in your “retreat!”

_/\_
sat/ah
matt

[Alina]

What would be a personal koan you would like to work on? Do you think you would do this?
While reading this last section, the question simply popped up in my head:
"Why do I get angry?"
and in the days I've been working with it, it has shown me that when anger arises in me, it is mostly when I feel scared, or when I am tired, or confused, and need time to rest or think but cannot have it, as if the anger was sort of a protection and at the same time a way to find energy to continue. So instead of allowing the anger to grow, I see it and let go of it, and then I feel sadness or fear or exhaustion hitting me like a ton of bricks, but it also fades away after a while...

Not rushing and resting more is one of my Ango commitments, while I continue with this question.

And then she dies of a seemingly unrelated cancer (the type of cancer and some of the experiences she relates in the book is noteworthy). So while I totally believe that many enlightenment stories are related to healing or changing our orientation to our disease in order to ease suffering. It would appear that in some cases whatever it is that is troubling us is not something that we can change and eventually is what takes us out. And in all honesty that leaves me feeling a little sad.

Matt Johnson I used to think that way too, but I think it comes from all the New Age stuff that is sort of part of the western cultural background by now. I believe karma is a real thing, and we simply can't see what's in store for us. Clinging to "if I'm good (or go vegan/do yoga/meditate/forgive/let go of the past/chant with Tibetan bowls/take essential oils/etc) I'll be healthy" is a way of hiding from how harsh living in samsara can be (I'm talking from my experience here). Life sucks sometimes, all we can choose is how we respond to it. And in that is its beauty, and learning to live what is is the challenge. I'm no teacher, just sharing what I got from this book.

Kokuu this has been an incredible book, I'll read and re-read it for sure, it was what I needed to read right now. All your feedback has helped me a ton, I really appreciate the time you took to answer each section, your questions and answers have given me clarity and a lot to work on. Thank you so much.
I will miss this read along.


Gassho
Alina
stlah

[Matt Johnson]

What would be a personal koan you would like to work on? Do you think you would do this?
While reading this last section, the question simply popped up in my head:
"Why do I get angry?"
and in the days I've been working with it, it has shown me that when anger arises in me, it is mostly when I feel scared, or when I am tired, or confused, and need time to rest or think but cannot have it, as if the anger was sort of a protection and at the same time a way to find energy to continue. So instead of allowing the anger to grow, I see it and let go of it, and then I feel sadness or fear or exhaustion hitting me like a ton of bricks, but it also fades away after a while...

Not rushing and resting more is one of my Ango commitments, while I continue with this question.


Matt Johnson I used to think that way too, but I think it comes from all the New Age stuff that is sort of part of the western cultural background by now. I believe karma is a real thing, and we simply can't see what's in store for us. Clinging to "if I'm good (or go vegan/do yoga/meditate/forgive/let go of the past/chant with Tibetan bowls/take essential oils/etc) I'll be healthy" is a way of hiding from how harsh living in samsara can be (I'm talking from my experience here). Life sucks sometimes, all we can choose is how we respond to it. And in that is its beauty, and learning to live what is is the challenge. I'm no teacher, just sharing what I got from this book.

Kokuu this has been an incredible book, I'll read and re-read it for sure, it was what I needed to read right now. All your feedback has helped me a ton, I really appreciate the time you took to answer each section, your questions and answers have given me clarity and a lot to work on. Thank you so much.
I will miss this read along.

Thank you Alina for your insights throughout this exploration. Life is the only teacher and she can be a tough one!

_/\_
sat/ah
matt

[Kaitan]

This was a wonderful journey, Kokuu, thank you for guiding us and to all that came together and shared their thoughts. The last months were quite difficult for me and honestly I didn't want to get back to this book because I was exhausted emotionally and this book hits really hard, but I made it and I loved every page of it.

I didn't see myself working with a koan before, but this last bit of the book inspired me to work a question about my relation with my hometown and family, now I have the opportunity not only to ask the question, but to face its object directly every day. I still don't think it is the place itself, but the lens I use to live through it so I will start asking: what am I running from? ('¿de qué estoy huyendo?', I will repeated it to myself in my language)




stlah, Kaitan

[Tairin]

Thank you Kokuu for guiding us through this book. All the best to you as you take care of your own health.

What would be a personal koan you would like to work on? Do you think you would do this?

I think if I was to try to frame up my personal koan it would go something like this. “Why do I act the way I do? Why do I react to some situations in a less than desirable way?’” Certainly these questions are not unique to me but as part of trying to better myself and to live according to our Precepts I often stop to wonder why some of my natural tendencies are to act in ways that run counter to those Precepts.

Thank you everyone who read along with us.


Tairin
Sat today and lah