This section of the reading comprises pages 50 to 62 (from the beginning of the chapter to ‘Not Knowing Mind’)
Darlene begins this chapter talking about how some people can seemingly control their life so that their connection with suffering is limited. Sometimes they will deliberately choose to isolate themselves from it. This is not something that those of us with chronic illness are able to do, but Darlene suggests that, although suffering is unpleasant, it is part of life, and any attempt to micromanage our existence to minimise pain will always end in failure and, even when it is ‘working’ will only permit exposure to a narrow range of what life has to offer. In avoiding contact with suffering we also avoid the very human pleasures of helping and being helped – the very acts which build friendships and community.
She goes on to point on that clearly having some control on our lives is important, as feeling a loss of control can be stressful. The trick, as Buddha taught Sona the lute player, is ‘not too tight, not too loose’. If we control too much, we can panic at when things don’t go to plan; if we control too little, the lack of structure will cause unnecessary difficulties. Darlene relays a quote from a student on a stress-participation workshop that she learned to “take care of what needs to be taken care of, allow what needs to arise by itself, and know the difference.” Do we know the difference? This is where practice comes in, but I have personally found that, for myself, I often try to control far more than is actually required. Others may have a different experience.
Darlene notes that trying to exercise control can often be a way of avoiding experiencing uncomfortable sensations and, to be honest, who wants to experience those? However, the likelihood is that this strategy can only ever work for a certain amount of time and can be counterproductive. Experiencing the discomfort allows us to work with it, or for it to be included in our awareness rather than expending energy keeping it at bay through busyness or some other strategy. I know myself that tightness in my muscles can be partially alleviated by using those muscles, but the eventual payback is much worse than if I had just experienced the initial tightness.
This section includes examples, both about Darlene herself, and others, of putting themselves in a holding pattern in order to keep discomfort at bay, only to eventually succumb to the stress of doing so. Sometimes it may be necessary to get through a difficult period, such as moving house when sick, but at other times we may do it out of habit or reactivity. The thing we don’t want to experience may feel too big to handle so we do not even start to work with it, and by choosing not to do so over a period of time, its complexity and undesirability may grow even greater in our mind.
Darlene talks about being overwhelmed with a week’s worth of mail to handle, however, by sitting down and sorting it into piles of ‘handle immediately’, ‘handle at some point’ and ‘junk’ she was able to make it manageable. When we feel overwhelmed by something, there is almost always a way of breaking the problem down into smaller parts and gradually work with it. In this, she uses the example of a friend of hers whose car had been hit by another driver. Her friend initially resisted all suggestions to engage with a lawyer to see if she had a case against the other driver but eventually saw that she could just do each task that was required for as long as it was needed, and then put that down and move onto the next one. For us too, instead of contemplating a whole problem, what if we can just think in terms of ‘what next?’ and do that?
She also talks about a businesswoman who feels it necessary to ‘rev her engine’ in order to do work but then feeling exhausted at the end of the day. She felt that without this she would not have the energy to deal with what needed to be done. If we can learn to trust our own sense of letting things happen as they need to, our own natural wisdom and energy can come forward. Allowing this to happen seems to me to be part of Zazen but it can be hard to relinquish control to the parts of our mind that feel that things will go wrong unless we micromanage our life.
Darlene quotes Shunryu Suzuki in saying that to control a sheep or cow it is best to give them a large, spacious field so that they have the space to come and go without feeling restricted. We can do similarly with our lives and thoughts.
Question prompts:
1. How much do you feel you try to control your life? Do you notice yourself trying to impose control rather than experience unpleasant thoughts, feelings and sensations?
2. How much do you trust your ability just to let things happen on their own terms? Has Zazen helped with that?
3. Can you think of a time where either trying to intensely control a situation hasn’t worked out well, or where giving up control has improved things? (or both if you wish!)
Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-
Darlene begins this chapter talking about how some people can seemingly control their life so that their connection with suffering is limited. Sometimes they will deliberately choose to isolate themselves from it. This is not something that those of us with chronic illness are able to do, but Darlene suggests that, although suffering is unpleasant, it is part of life, and any attempt to micromanage our existence to minimise pain will always end in failure and, even when it is ‘working’ will only permit exposure to a narrow range of what life has to offer. In avoiding contact with suffering we also avoid the very human pleasures of helping and being helped – the very acts which build friendships and community.
She goes on to point on that clearly having some control on our lives is important, as feeling a loss of control can be stressful. The trick, as Buddha taught Sona the lute player, is ‘not too tight, not too loose’. If we control too much, we can panic at when things don’t go to plan; if we control too little, the lack of structure will cause unnecessary difficulties. Darlene relays a quote from a student on a stress-participation workshop that she learned to “take care of what needs to be taken care of, allow what needs to arise by itself, and know the difference.” Do we know the difference? This is where practice comes in, but I have personally found that, for myself, I often try to control far more than is actually required. Others may have a different experience.
Darlene notes that trying to exercise control can often be a way of avoiding experiencing uncomfortable sensations and, to be honest, who wants to experience those? However, the likelihood is that this strategy can only ever work for a certain amount of time and can be counterproductive. Experiencing the discomfort allows us to work with it, or for it to be included in our awareness rather than expending energy keeping it at bay through busyness or some other strategy. I know myself that tightness in my muscles can be partially alleviated by using those muscles, but the eventual payback is much worse than if I had just experienced the initial tightness.
This section includes examples, both about Darlene herself, and others, of putting themselves in a holding pattern in order to keep discomfort at bay, only to eventually succumb to the stress of doing so. Sometimes it may be necessary to get through a difficult period, such as moving house when sick, but at other times we may do it out of habit or reactivity. The thing we don’t want to experience may feel too big to handle so we do not even start to work with it, and by choosing not to do so over a period of time, its complexity and undesirability may grow even greater in our mind.
Darlene talks about being overwhelmed with a week’s worth of mail to handle, however, by sitting down and sorting it into piles of ‘handle immediately’, ‘handle at some point’ and ‘junk’ she was able to make it manageable. When we feel overwhelmed by something, there is almost always a way of breaking the problem down into smaller parts and gradually work with it. In this, she uses the example of a friend of hers whose car had been hit by another driver. Her friend initially resisted all suggestions to engage with a lawyer to see if she had a case against the other driver but eventually saw that she could just do each task that was required for as long as it was needed, and then put that down and move onto the next one. For us too, instead of contemplating a whole problem, what if we can just think in terms of ‘what next?’ and do that?
She also talks about a businesswoman who feels it necessary to ‘rev her engine’ in order to do work but then feeling exhausted at the end of the day. She felt that without this she would not have the energy to deal with what needed to be done. If we can learn to trust our own sense of letting things happen as they need to, our own natural wisdom and energy can come forward. Allowing this to happen seems to me to be part of Zazen but it can be hard to relinquish control to the parts of our mind that feel that things will go wrong unless we micromanage our life.
Darlene quotes Shunryu Suzuki in saying that to control a sheep or cow it is best to give them a large, spacious field so that they have the space to come and go without feeling restricted. We can do similarly with our lives and thoughts.
Question prompts:
1. How much do you feel you try to control your life? Do you notice yourself trying to impose control rather than experience unpleasant thoughts, feelings and sensations?
2. How much do you trust your ability just to let things happen on their own terms? Has Zazen helped with that?
3. Can you think of a time where either trying to intensely control a situation hasn’t worked out well, or where giving up control has improved things? (or both if you wish!)
Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-
That was what made me realize that I had a control-freak problem.
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