[HealthDharma] Sober in the Psych Ward

[Onki]

Good morning Sangha,

My journey continues in the Psych ward.

It has been almost two weeks since I have arrived in Hospital. My Psychiatrist directly admitted me as a psychiatric patient under his care. The wait to go upstairs and receive a bed on the psych unit was actually quite a lot quicker than I originally thought. Only 12 hrs from start to finish, which is amazing considering most folks heading to Emergency end up staying there FOR DAYS before seeing a doctor. I am very grateful that my Psychiatrist offered me direct admission.

The days spent here on B7 - 100 Block raise up a variety of emotions: fear, exhaustion, hope (surprisingly, but not much) and terror. There have been many, many tears, loving hugs, and breathless goodbyes.

Frequently, my mind takes me places that I do not wish to go, but it has a gun against my head, making me walk as I shuffle forward. Memories of old and new, thoughts of the world on fire, myself doing something completely out of character. And all of the fears.

I see memories of me and my older brother playing video games (one of our favourite things), I see mean kids bullying me, making fun of my skin colour, saying things like “Dirty little Indian.” I see daily violence, numerous molestations, and mental abuse.

These are things from my past that I cannot seem to escape, as if they are Reality, and to be blunt, I sometimes don’t recognize the difference.

Each day, I participate in extensive therapy where I am asked questions I fear answering. I face issues head on that I would rather push under the rug and never think about them again. But, that is part of why I am here in the first place.

Gasshō,

On

Sat today/LAH

[Doshin]

Doshin
Stlah

[Bion]

Thank you for sharing, Onki and for taking care of yourself despite the fear and resistance to it. I am curious if you find that continuing zazen has an effect on how you navigate the push and pull of the emotions rising from not wanting to be there but knowing you need it. Or maybe there is some other aspect of our practice that helps ground you?

You have all of our well wishes and affection.

Gassho
Sat and lah

[Kokuu]

Thank you for continue to share how you are, Onki. It is good to hear from you.

Jundo's picture of Mara's forces circling the Buddha really does seem accurate in terms of your mind, although I am glad to hear that there is hope too. And hopefully room for your sangha. We would totally be there fighting off the armies of Mara if we could.

Much metta to you and everyone who is with you in there.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Alina]

Thank you for sharing Onki.

One of the most helpful things that I found reading the book "Zen teachings in challenging times" are this 2 sentences/prayers/mantras:

"May the power of loving-kindness sustain me."
"May I connect with boundless love that flows endlessly."

When my anxieties seem to be trying hard to overwhelm me, I repeat those while I breathe in and out. Sometimes I repeat them in zazen, and I visualize that Kannon is holding my hand. It's not the "standard" shikantaza, but it helps a lot. I hope they can be of help for you too.


Gassho
Alina
st + lah

[Nengei]

Glad to hear from you. I have nothing profound to say, no uninvited advice to give, only this: such is our practice, at this moment. You are a perfect bodhisattva.

Gassho,
Nengei
Sat today. LAH.

[Hoseki]

Hoseki
sattoday/lah

[Jundo]

Don't buy what Mara is selling.

[Guest]

[HealthDharma] Sober in the Psych Ward

Good morning Sangha,

My journey continues in the Psych ward.

It has been almost two weeks since I have arrived in Hospital. My Psychiatrist directly admitted me as a psychiatric patient under his care. The wait to go upstairs and receive a bed on the psych unit was actually quite a lot quicker than I originally thought. Only 12 hrs from start to finish, which is amazing considering most folks heading to Emergency end up staying there FOR DAYS before seeing a doctor. I am very grateful that my Psychiatrist offered me direct admission.

The days spent here on B7 - 100 Block raise up a variety of emotions: fear, exhaustion, hope (surprisingly, but not much) and terror. There have been many, many tears, loving hugs, and breathless goodbyes.

Frequently, my mind takes me places that I do not wish to go, but it has a gun against my head, making me walk as I shuffle forward. Memories of old and new, thoughts of the world on fire, myself doing something completely out of character. And all of the fears.

I see memories of me and my older brother playing video games (one of our favourite things), I see mean kids bullying me, making fun of my skin colour, saying things like “Dirty little Indian.” I see daily violence, numerous molestations, and mental abuse.

These are things from my past that I cannot seem to escape, as if they are Reality, and to be blunt, I sometimes don’t recognize the difference.

Each day, I participate in extensive therapy where I am asked questions I fear answering. I face issues head on that I would rather push under the rug and never think about them again. But, that is part of why I am here in the first place.

Gasshō,

On

Sat today/LAH

Onki,
Thank you for sharing this. I know it is hard for you. It took great courage to admit to yourself, your loved ones and your sangha that you needed to step into a difficult situation to take care of yourself. It also takes trust….trust in yourself that this is what has to be done, and seeing if it is possible to invite this trust to guide you to what is true and discern what is not true.

Great faith, great doubt, and great determination is at the heart of Zen practice. This hospital stay is your Ango, your dwelling in peace. May it guide you to everlasting peace of mind.

Gassho
Daiman
St/LAH


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk on

[Kaitan]

stlah, Kaitan

[Koriki]

Onki, your description reminds me of a great story by my favorite therapist author. The fable goes something like this-

"There was a ancient Buddhist group that had a final step in their priest training which led to enlightenment. The monk would stand with their teacher at an ancient door to a long cave waiting for their trial to begin. There they were told the following, "You will be entering the Room of 1000 Demons. It is a long and dark room and you will have to feel your way to the other side where you will find an unlocked door. Once you make your way through the room and go through that door you will be enlightened. However, in the room there are 1000 demons that will find and embody your every fear. They will be so convincing that you will be certain they are real. Once you enter the room the door will be locked behind you and no one is allowed to come in to get you. Many who enter the room are so stricken with fear that they have never left. However, it is important to remember as best you can that what you are seeing is not real."

On this particular day the monk who heard the instruction was visibly shaking and sweating. He asked his teacher, "Um, do you have any advice?"
"Yes. Just keep your feet moving," said the teacher.

Gassho,

Koriki
s@lah

[Shade]

Thanks for keeping us updated, Onki. I hope that things improve soon. We are here for you.

Gassho,

Chukyo

ST/LAH

[Onki]

Onki, your description reminds me of a great story by my favorite therapist author. The fable goes something like this-

"There was a ancient Buddhist group that had a final step in their priest training which led to enlightenment. The monk would stand with their teacher at an ancient door to a long cave waiting for their trial to begin. There they were told the following, "You will be entering the Room of 1000 Demons. It is a long and dark room and you will have to feel your way to the other side where you will find an unlocked door. Once you make your way through the room and go through that door you will be enlightened. However, in the room there are 1000 demons that will find and embody your every fear. They will be so convincing that you will be certain they are real. Once you enter the room the door will be locked behind you and no one is allowed to come in to get you. Many who enter the room are so stricken with fear that they have never left. However, it is important to remember as best you can that what you are seeing is not real."

On this particular day the monk who heard the instruction was visibly shaking and sweating. He asked his teacher, "Um, do you have any advice?"
"Yes. Just keep your feet moving," said the teacher.

Gassho,

Koriki
s@lah

Koriki,

This story speaks to my heart. Thank you very much [emoji1431]

Gasshō,

On

Sat today/LAH

[Ankai]

One of the things I see people struggle with at work, particularly after the gate closes , is developing and maintaining a sense of objectivity. You seem leaps and bounds ahead in that, and I find it inspiring!
Always here for you.

ST
LAH

[Seiko]

Hey Onki,
Sounds like you are doing great. One day at a time brother.

Gasshō
Seiko
stlah