[HealthDharma] Hospital Musings from Room 161 A

[Onki]

I am a little behind with my hospital ramblings.

So much has happened in the past two days. From going shopping with Sarah, to being called directly by my Psychiatrist urging me to enter hospital asap, to sitting in the emergency room waiting for an available spot on the 7th floor, the locked psychiatric unit.

This all started when I emailed my Psychiatrist last week, explaining to him that my OCD now controls my life. I feel that I no longer have a choice when it comes to obsessions, compulsions, and violent, gruesome intrusive thoughts. Sarah has also mentioned that she has been watching me steadily decline. I have been losing hope, watching my life and the precious time that I have left slip through my fingers.

It’s a terrible thought, logically knowing the obsessions and compulsions that I do, do not make sense. I know they are strange and weird. I am aware that strangers watch as I jerk my head, touch each fork at a restaurant, fix a display at the store as the cushions are not quite lined up “properly”, line items up one by one at the grocery store, checking, checking, checking, until I feel some resemblance of “good”.
I know folks that would simply say, “Those are just little quirks that you have”, or “Can’t you just stop”? or my personal favourite, “Everyone is a little OCD.”

But this is all that I can say at the moment, as I have not been sleeping well. I’ll try to get those zzzzzzzzzs…..

Gasshō,

On

Sat today/LAH

[Doshin]

Doshin

[Koriki]

On,

The insight to see that you're in trouble and reach out for help is so important. It reminds me of zazen and that ability to step to one side and observe the mind. And yes, making sure your sleep is dialed in is critical. Without that it is like building a brick house on sand. I hope your work is fruitful there.

Gassho,

Koriki

s@lah

[Jundo]

We are with you Onki.

Zazen, alas, helps us be free of compulsions, addictions, intrusive thoughts ... but it cannot cure all conditions, and sometimes the thoughts and addictions are too strong. Zazen will not fix everything.

As I like to say, Zazen will not fix a flat tire or a bad tooth or a bad heart ... you need a tow truck or a dentist or a heart surgeon for that. Likewise for many serious mental health conditions. You need professional assistance. What Zen does is let us accept our flat tire more, even as we change it. It will let us "be one" with our throbbing tooth, even as we rush to the dentist. One realizes the Heart Sutra's wisdom that all is Flowing Wholeness, even as one takes an EKG. Likewise for your OCD.

There is no shame in this. What we do is use every tool available to us. Please benefit from the hospital, try any treatment that helps.

What Zazen can do in this case is help give a little space from the compulsions but, much more importantly, lets us accept, embrace, flow with the condition.

When having OCD, just have OCD. When in hospital treating OCD, just be in hospital treating OCD. This is Shikantaza. There is a great difference between having OCD and beating yourself up more for it, and accepting one's OCD even as one treats it. Understand?

This is your Koan, this is your Hospital Ango (period of intensive Zen retreat). When in hospital, just be in hospital. The hospital is your monastery right now.

Gassho, Jundo

stlah

[Naiko]

Onki, metta to you. I hope you feel more peaceful soon.
Gassho,
Naiko
stlah

[Shinshi]

thank you for sharing your journey my brave brother. It is so hard to try to orient yourself in a world that seems so inconsistent, that doesn't seem to align correctly.

Just keep breathing and doing what you need to help yourself.

You are doing great.

Gassho, Shinshi

SaT-LaH

[Kaitan]

stlah, Kaitan

[Tokan]

When having OCD, just have OCD. When in hospital treating OCD, just be in hospital treating OCD. This is Shikantaza. There is a great difference between having OCD and beating yourself up more for it, and accepting one's OCD even as one treats it. Understand?

Hey Onki

This comment from Jundo touches on the 'truth' of OCD. It is not erroneous thinking, it is faulty wiring. We can control but not cure, that will be the work of the Future Buddha lol! I know we are not about mantra's here, but the mental health mantra that helps me when I start blaming myself for the O.C. Disordered thinking is this "IT'S NOT ME, IT'S THE OCD!" Whether I need to say it once or a hundred times it eventually guides me into radical self-acceptance, and shikantaza, when the moment is right, seals the deal that I'm fine just as I am, even if it doesn't feel too good to be me right in that moment. I know from my own experience that the violent and gruesome thoughts are just the worst, and are very difficult to share because they scare other people, or make them think you are deranged. I'm paraphrasing here of course, that's why I mentioned the sleep, because for me (and so many others) these intrusive and ego-dystonic thoughts terrorize us at night. Sometimes I almost hate myself for the thoughts that enter my head, but I have to do the hard yards of constantly reminding myself that they are unwelcome guests in my 'house' and I will not entertain them, so they might as well leave.

You are in the right place and made a very brave and difficult decision to put yourself into hospital, this is your strength and this is the gift of your life and practice to others. Your sharing validates the experiences of others who see your practice but are yet to seek help, but find inspiration in how you are tackling these challenges. The first step for me was knowing, until I knew what was going on I couldn't fight back. Shikantaza helped, but without the cognitive therapy I was just in a holding pattern for many years. Hand in hand they have helped me get this 80-85% under control. When I was at my worst it was probably 20-25%, and I just plugged away at it, picking on one symptom at a time, 1% at a time. Some weeks it slides back again, and I'm getting better at picking what battles to fight and which ones to let go of, because they'll burn themselves out naturally. Just don't give up, is my advice to anyone with OCD, find some stable ground, even a 10cm square tile, and work from there. I don't believe you can take on the whole experience of OCD, it is already overwhelming, break it down, get to know how it operates for you, work with your therapist on all the 'dark stuff,' but keep believing that the thoughts are not who you are.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound like I'm dishing out lots of advice, take or leave anything I say, as it may not be appropriate for you, or anyone reading this thread for that matter. I just know how traumatized I was by OCD until I began to address it, then I had to deal with the trauma of accepting how much damage it had done in my life over a period of decades, and THEN start saying "no more" to it. Even though the worst elements of it are largely controlled now, it is like a sleeping dragon, and rumbles from under the mountain from time to time to remind it is still there and real.

Bows and hugs across the Pacific waves to you

Tokan

satlah

[Kokuu]

Hi Onki

I am sorry you have been struggling so much and know that the decision to be an inpatient again is a hard one, but hope that this stay really helps you.

Take care and thank you for updating us.

Sending you much metta my dear friend.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[RobO]

I'm sorry Onki,

I have OCD as well, though for whatever reason it doesn't affect me much these days. It stole many years from me though, living with a huge amount of suffering.

Just to say I understand, and empathise, I really understand what *that* feeling is like (and I understand the comments, and the difficulty in explaining it to others, and the frustration of having complete awareness that the compulsions make no sense, but being unable to stop them).

I understand, and am sending you metta. I hope that you are able to find some relief.

Gassho,
Rob

Sat/lah

[Jundo]

Onki ... Don't read this message ...

I don't know how to post this without Onki reading it, so I hope he is shutting his eyes.

Someone in our community will be visiting Onki Thursday and suggested that if folks "would like anything printed off ( A scanned hand written note, koan, passage from a sutra, insightful quote, meaningful art) and hand delivered, [they] would be happy to facilitate that."

A lovely suggestion.

Okay, Onki ... you can look now.

Gassho, J

stlah

[Jundo]

Oh, I forgot ... Onki close your eyes again ...

If anything to send, please PM Onsho ...

https://www.treeleaf.org/forums/private.php?do=newpm&u=55054

[Austin]

Love, peace, and metta Onki.

Wishing you all the best.

[emoji3590] [emoji3577] 🪷



Gasshō,
Austin
stlah

[Meian]

Onki,

You are ever in my thoughts and metta.

I sit with you and for you.

I am sorry for all of the suffering you've been experiencing. I wish you ease with all, that life might choose a gentler way of teaching for you.

You are not alone.

Gasso2, dear one.

meian st/lh

[Jishin]

I hope you feel better soon Onki.

Gassho, Jishin, ST, LAH