[HealthDharma] Turning Suffering Inside Out, chapter one, part one (p3-14)

[Kokuu]

I have a sever, and painful arthritic disease. Ankylosing Spondylitis, one of the most painful type of Arthritic pain, Today I am experiencing a painful day although I take a wonder drug, and several others. My mood is at an extreme low, and my body is in the worst pain since I can remember in the old days before Biological drugs. I know the physicaal pain is caused by trying to sleep in our bed in our bedroom.

I hope that your pain is more under control today, Tai Shi, as I know you can have excrutiating pain related to the AS, and trying to sleep in the bed. You are one of our sangha members who deals with the things that Darlene talks about on a daily basis.

A: Yes, unfortunately when I moved in with my now husband to take care of his grandma's place as she had to go into a home for her dementia. It changed for the worse from the get go, his uncle had charge of the bills, he originally told us he would only charge us rent at $500 total (cuz family or something) but then raised it over and over again (he never made us a contract as he wanted to avoid taxes, this was my first time leaving my folks place so I didn't say anything).

Then from there it's just been worse, it's drained us financially to where we are back living and I mean, Barely pay check to paycheck and are getting kicked out in June/July 2024. As you can guess, it feels like trust is broken, husband has NO love for his uncle anymore and doesn't plan to rekindle the relationship when we get out.

I am sorry, Ryker. That sounds really hard, and it is hard to speak out when it is a family member.

A: I can absolutely relate to Darlene's comments on the ups and downs of the day. 100%. But as for "don't have to hold tightly to", I don't have an answer for that yet.

(Also I was wondering if we can have where we are supposed to be in the title also by name? I know it says read to page 14 but I am on Kindle and in bigger font so I feel like it left me off on a weird spot, page 14 has a smaller title of Addiction)

I think that for most of us, the not holding on tight bit is a work in progress. Knowing it is a choice is a good thing, though.

I am sorry for not thinking of Kindle readers. I will add the section titles by name to make it clearer. This section ended after the Addiction part, and we will start with 'Pleasure and Addiction' tomorrow.


Gassho
Kokuu

[Tai Shi]

Hello Tai Shi

After reading your post, I feel like giving you a hug, because I've also had some bitter experiences with the academic world, and it is simply not fair sometimes, if the coin flips and falls on a side that doesn't favor you, you can be left out, no matter your merits, capability, performance, initiative, knowledge, experience... Similar to you, I've being stuck with a mix bag of feelings about my career for over a decade now for things that happened that were 100% out of my control. Only a couple of weeks ago I was able to fully describe what I feel about it for the first time, and zazen is helping in letting go of what I cannot change, but it still feels like a heavy burden (something I hope this book will help me with).

May you find relief from your pain (both physical and mental) and joy in all your activities.

Gassho
Alina
stlah

I tell you that the writer often struggled with this or her market because of the model being alien to publishers. I have been searching for a moral code that includes an ethical code that subsume Jewish/ and Christian beliefs and I have found one only for the Precepts and only for myself.
Gassho
sat/lah


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[Ryker]

I hope that your pain is more under control today, Tai Shi, as I know you can have excrutiating pain related to the AS, and trying to sleep in the bed. You are one of our sangha members who deals with the things that Darlene talks about on a daily basis.




I am sorry, Ryker. That sounds really hard, and it is hard to speak out when it is a family member.




I think that for most of us, the not holding on tight bit is a work in progress. Knowing it is a choice is a good thing, though.

I am sorry for not thinking of Kindle readers. I will add the section titles by name to make it clearer. This section ended after the Addiction part, and we will start with 'Pleasure and Addiction' tomorrow.


Gassho
Kokuu

Alright, thank you so much!!! [emoji3526]

Gasshō,Ryker

Sat/Lah

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[Meitou]

Hi everyone, I'm grateful for everything that you have shared here.

I don't have chronic illness myself, but am caring for my husband who has chronic heart and lung disease. I can't 'know' his suffering, but I witness it and my purpose now is to understand how to hold that suffering and bring relief to him in any way I can; at the same time I am exploring the nature of caring. what that really means, and the balance needed between helping him make good health decisions, without robbing him of his autonomy.
I, on the other hand, live with the more mundane aspects of my ageing and all that that brings - mostly good but not always so.
I'm really enjoying the book so far, and I think at the moment what I appreciate most is the approach Darlene Cohen takes to her life in this opening chapter. I loved the description of her morning because it was so completely authentic and so relatable to, and I love her opennes and acceptance of all of it.

Has there been a time when life suddenly changed for the worse for you? How did that feel?
There have been times of sudden change and the shock of that, and other times when change for the worse was creeping, insidious. I think I dealt with sudden change easier - I'm remembering being made redudant ( along with all the other staff) from a job that I thought was safe for life. I can still recall the absolute shock, the feeling of disbelief, of suddenly being cast adrift in a world I didn't understand. I felt as if the ground beneath my feet had disappeared. But by the end of that day, and even though I didn't have the support of Buddhism at this point in my life, I was able to see that perhaps this would open up other possibilities; which in fact it did - the worse thing became the best thing that had happened to me.
Gradual change of circumstances has been harder. At this moment it would be easy to fall into thinking my life has changed for the worse, but I have come to see it has just having changed - I feel everything, grief, anger, fear, but also the joy of being able to care for someone I love, making sure their life is as comfortable as possible. Of course there are days when I feel almost overwhelmed by stress and feel super sorry for myself!

2. What are the ways, both positive and negative, that you deal with the ups and downs of life?
Fear about the immediate future sometimes overwhelms me and that manifests as a kind of unfocused frustration and anger with everything. I don't like myself like that so make the conscious effort to acknowledge that anger, but also speak to the fear, I say it out loud, I see you, I hear you, I am frightened. Saying the words immediately brings relief and softens the hard edges of that suffering. I don't turn away from the fear, I see it as trying to help me, prepare me and I can respond to that- If I tried to ignore or supress it, I wouldn't be able to work through it.
I have great faith in the Three jewels and feel constantly supported and comforted by them. I should probably say that zazen helps with everything, but to be honest I sometimes find that a good cry or a secret rant are more helpful - and I admit to having done both while on the cushion too!

3. Can you identify with what Darlene says about seeing all of the ups and downs of the day, and our reactions to them, as just the play of life which we don't have to hold tighly to?
Yes, I can. In my last answer I wrote about the downs rather than the ups, but in the space of a day there are so many shades, tones and colours. I am aware that it's easy to be more focused on difficult moments, but I have great trust in the Truth of Impermanence, every moment, good and bad, passes. I can trust this because I experience it every day, and can see how it has played throughout my life. Holding onto this, if I'm having a moment of overwhelm, I know it's going to pass. I let all of this in, it's life just as it is, us just as we are, it's a precious experience.

Gassho
Meitou
Sat&Lah

[Naiko]

Thank you, Kokuu, for introducing our new book discussion.

1. Has there been a time when life suddenly changed for the worse for you? How did that feel?

I had a tumultuous and abusive childhood—divorce(s), alcoholism, death, sudden moves. I spent time in a foster home. There were times it felt like my world was ending. I didn’t have any role models teaching me healthy coping skills so I developed some rather unhealthy ones of my own. For example, when I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease as an adult, it was after months of being very ill, and not seeking medical help because I tend to hunker down like a wounded animal and wait things out.

It was very difficult to even contemplate this question. I hesitated to share even those small details, but maybe sharing will help someone know they’re not alone in having experiences like this.

2. What are the ways, both positive and negative, that you deal with the ups and downs of life?

I have fallen into the compulsive busyness the author mentioned. I sometimes eat mindlessly. Often I retreat, and lose myself in books or movies. That’s ok because I know I just need to pause. I try to do that in more positive ways, like being in nature and taking a long walk or doing a gentle, present yoga session. Because my first reaction may be to catastrophize I often ask myself, “This is real (what I’m feeling and thinking right now), but is it true?” (That’s an approach I learned from a Tricycle article. I think it was by Tara Branch.)

3. Can you identify with what Darlene says about seeing all of the ups and downs of the day, and our reactions to them, as just the play of life which we don't have to hold tighly to?

Yes, indeed. Some days are easier than others to loosen the hold and marvel at how many times I can bounce between heaven and hell in one day.

Gassho,
Naiko
stlah

[Shinchi SG]

Thank you, Kokuu, for introducing this book. I enjoyed the author's conceptualization of busyness, blaming and addiction as the ways we distract from our emotions. I often speak with clients about sitting with difficult emotions, rather than avoiding them (avoidance is maintenance!). For me, this was a helpful reminder of the need to practice this with the more "mundane" things of daily life as well. Practising with not getting swept up in the current of craving and aversion... [emoji43]*[emoji94]

Gassho,
Shinchi
STlah

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[Kokuu]

In my last answer I wrote about the downs rather than the ups, but in the space of a day there are so many shades, tones and colours. I am aware that it's easy to be more focused on difficult moments, but I have great trust in the Truth of Impermanence, every moment, good and bad, passes. I can trust this because I experience it every day, and can see how it has played throughout my life. Holding onto this, if I'm having a moment of overwhelm, I know it's going to pass. I let all of this in, it's life just as it is, us just as we are, it's a precious experience.

Lovely!

I have fallen into the compulsive busyness the author mentioned. I sometimes eat mindlessly. Often I retreat, and lose myself in books or movies. That’s ok because I know I just need to pause. I try to do that in more positive ways, like being in nature and taking a long walk or doing a gentle, present yoga session. Because my first reaction may be to catastrophize I often ask myself, “This is real (what I’m feeling and thinking right now), but is it true?” (That’s an approach I learned from a Tricycle article. I think it was by Tara Branch.)

I agree that it is totally fine to lose ourselves in a book or movie. Darlene will actually talk later on about the role of distraction during illness because, like you say, sometimes we need to pause, and illness is tiring.

Some days are easier than others to loosen the hold and marvel at how many times I can bounce between heaven and hell in one day

Life can sometimes feel like being on a bungee rope!

I often speak with clients about sitting with difficult emotions, rather than avoiding them (avoidance is maintenance!). For me, this was a helpful reminder of the need to practice this with the more "mundane" things of daily life as well. Practising with not getting swept up in the current of craving and aversion...

That is interesting you work with clients in this way, Shinchi. I don't know about you but I will certainly admit that even though I encourage people to do this in their practice, it does not always mean I take my own advice!


Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Dee Sunyata]

Thanks for the reminder about the "weather" metaphor / analogy, Kokuu. That's helpful F or me today.

Gassho
Dee
Lah

[Shinchi SG]

I don't know about you but I will certainly admit that even though I encourage people to do this in their practice, it does not always mean I take my own advice!

You and me both!

Gassho,
Shinchi
STlah