LIVING by VOW: The Verse of Repentance (Atonement) - pp 53 - 62 (All Chapter 2)

[Meitou]

With no regrets, let us now move on to all of Chapter 2, only a few pages ... the Verse of Atonement......

I would like to ask folks to listen to an old talk by me on this ...

SIT-A-LONG with JUNDO: ATONEMENT / AT-ONE-MENT

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?8087-SIT-A-LONG-with-JUNDO-ATONEMENT-AT-ONE-MENT

How does the Verse of Atonement/at-One-ment, and these two facets, come to play together in your life?

Gassho, J

SatTodayLAH

PS - I notice the first post in the above thread is by our long time member Engyo, who left this visible world a few years ago. I dedicate all our study here this week to him.

I had written a screed on this chapter, but I thought I should take notice of my teacher and listen to his talk and I'm very glad I did, thank you Jundo.

Two main areas for me in this chapter - this new ( to me) more humane and compassionate perspective on repentance and how it's inextricably linked to taking Refuge. Quoting Banjin Doten -

Repentance is another name for the Three Treasures. To repent is to take refuge in the Three Treasures

. This whole section gives another dimension to refuge as well as zazen itself, in particular that repentance is not a negative thing, quite the opposite.

The other area that has really caused me to reflect is how it's easy to repent of stuff we know, or think we know to be obviously bad, but that doing good can also be harmful or obstructive. This is a much harder subject for me, because no matter what I do, good deeds daily etc, I always seem to be dragging guilt around with me. In the street - could I give that person more, why did I give to person A and not person B, when I think I can't afford to give to everyone is that really true? And in big life changing decisions I can write a narrative on any given day that portrays me as a horrible person. But on another given day as having made the right decisions. But what I know in my heart/mind is that even that guilt is a big me-centred ego thing, a complex narrative in which by turns I remonstrate, feel suitably chastened, then start to justify. Yet another paradox looms - how it's possible to enjoy and even perpetuate our own suffering. So the idea of being in a renewed or reborn state each time I sit is something I constantly need to remember to bring to the cushion with me.
The whole section on delusive thought opened something further up for me, I really liked the expression 'We sit on the ground of letting go'. I liked how I could play with different meanings of sitting on the ground and what a ground of letting go might look like. Just some fun exploration.
When I first started on this path I thought 'letting go' was easy. Obvious. Now I know how deeply entrenched, how subtle my conditioning is and how much I need the precepts in my life every single day, even as I break them!
In your video Jundo you say 'The moon does not make a mistake'. How I wish I could be more like the moon

Gassho
Frankie

Satwithyoualltoday ( not on IT) LAH to a lizard, who lives to tell his/her tail-less tale.

[Joyo]

Thank you Jundo, and everyone for sharing.

For some reason, these Christian terms in Buddhism, that used to turn me right off, seem to be healing old wounds. The same wounds that so many of us carry here at Treeleaf from Christianity.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today/lah

[Meishin]

Hello,

“So the original meaning of repentance is to reflect on one’s misdeeds and confess them to the sangha.”

Meishin seems to be one of those fellows who becomes obsessed. In November he became obsessed with the thought that the end of civilization as we know it was near, due to the USA election. He resolved to resist with all his might. Unfortunately this resolve morphed into an ineffective and interminable rant, frequently expressed ineptly on Facebook. He did not rant in such a way as to condone or encourage violence. Just posting news stories from mainstream media with his acerbic editorial additions. So far as it is possible to tell, he did nothing but “preach to the choir” and alienate some long-time friends. He also demonstrated for all to see how tenuous was his previously perceived calm demeanor. This went on until his son said to him, “Dad you seem to be angry and depressed.” Meishin admitted that was true and went into media silence.

So it’s now a matter of how to express disagreement in language that does not harm others. We have neighbors who have helped so much over the years. But because of their outspoken political positions (and not aligned with mine), I wrote them off. When her mother was hospitalized with late-stage Alzheimer’s I saw how cold and one-dimensional my thinking had become, and I expressed sympathies to her. I did what I could, picked up their mail and newspaper, watched over their home when they were away. But in spite of these actions, I still in my heart-of-hearts wondered how they could have come to the decisions they did politically. I haven’t let that go. I’m still wrapped up in that judgmental attitude. It seems to be a lifelong companion.

Thank you for this reading. It’s a wonderful book.

Gassho
Meishin
sat today

[Jakuden]

But in spite of these actions, I still in my heart-of-hearts wondered how they could have come to the decisions they did politically.

Sympathy! In rural upstate NY, we are in the heart of Trump country and almost all our neighbors are hard-core Trump supporters. Much of my family and most of my in-laws are too. It's actually been a good lesson to sit with, these are the same good people we've always loved and been able to depend on in times of need, regardless of their political views. It gives me perspective and balance to realize that what goes on in government doesn't have to change or destroy the fabric of our everyday existence, unless we let it. Otherwise... the end of civilization as we know it perhaps really would be near.

Gassho
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH

[Gokai]

Hello everyone

I have read this chapter and touched me particularly this part of the text: "Our practice doesn't make us perfect or holy people." In a sense, practice means giving up trying to become perfect, it means realizing our imperfect nature. If we ignore our delusions (or our children), they can do great harm, When we take good care of them, they can be quieted.”

With our daily zazen we will eventually become aware of our imperfections and deal with them, instead of fighting them. It is not realizing the idea that through our practice we will become perfect, holy. Although at first it seems an easier task, I think that working with our imperfections (having to know and accept them) is no small task at all.
Beginning by working with our own imperfections instead of working with those of others is already a great change in itself.

But at every wrong step we have to practice our repentance, not with an apology to a superior deity, but with our Zazen ("our zazen is itself repentance").

Gassho, Gokai

Sattoday/LAH

[Risho]

I have really been resistant to practice lately. I go through these phases sometimes, and I just let them ride. I sat last night for the first time in a week, and it felt so good. I don't know what it is about this practice; it's just right. Anyway, I go through phases of extreme cynicism, and it's just my mind doing it's thing.

Anyway, this book is so good. And I might add -so is your talk Jundo. If I come at this practice with a sort of perfectionism, I will burn out and want to quit. If I come at this practice with sanctimony (I think may be my new favorite word. lol) like "I'm saving beings, what are these losers doing?" it's not going to work. If I come at this practice like "hey I'm just sitting, nothing else matters" it's not going to work. I need this dynamic tension of just sitting with everything (not pushing or grasping) while trying my best. Trying my best to become my best while at the same time knowing that on an ultimate level no where to go.

Life is like this - of course it is; otherwise this practice would be meaningless. I need to eat right and work out, to use a common example. I can approach that like I am going to eat perfectly and work out because I"M a fat loser slob. Or I can work out by doing a nice easy walk and eat whatever I want because it doesn't matter. But it's both - and we have to figure out the mix for ourself. I'm at the point in my life, where I screw up. Sometimes I don't sit, sometimes I eat bad. But there is an underlying attitude in me that just wants to do as best I can.

And that is so hard; it's so hard to atone. When I mess up, instead of acknowledging where I am, learning from it and getting back up, a lot of times my mind starts sabotaging me like "why are you doing this?", "It's friday or it's a weekend, you should drink a little more.". "You sit all the time, taking a few days off isn't a big deal.". I have a lot, a lot, of divisive thoughts. By sitting, I'm able (if I'm not already hooked, but I'm getting better) to let them pass and even laugh or smile at them and then get back to what needs to be done.

Zen lets me see this, these negative attitudes toward myself and others. It's this tenacious energy in me that just wants to do my best, but at the same time acknowledging and being ok where I am. And my limited view of practice is this.

We are here- this is where we start all the time, right here, right now, but we have to do this work even though we aren't really getting anywhere. It's what it means to be human.

Dogen says it so poignantly in the Tenzo Kyokun (and it's one of my favorites): "If not now, when? If not you, who?" Zen brings about this engagement in life - there is this meaning to life that gets brought forth when bringing this attitude to life. It's this ultimate caring, not giving up, facing failure, getting back up attitude that is very empowering and humbling.

Gassho,

Risho
-sattoday

[Kaishin]

I have really been resistant to practice lately. I go through these phases sometimes, and I just let them ride. I sat last night for the first time in a week, and it felt so good. I don't know what it is about this practice; it's just right. Anyway, I go through phases of extreme cynicism, and it's just my mind doing it's thing.

Me too, brother...me too...always come back (so far )

-satToday

[Jakuden]

I have really been resistant to practice lately. I go through these phases sometimes, and I just let them ride. I sat last night for the first time in a week, and it felt so good. I don't know what it is about this practice; it's just right. Anyway, I go through phases of extreme cynicism, and it's just my mind doing it's thing.

Anyway, this book is so good. And I might add -so is your talk Jundo. If I come at this practice with a sort of perfectionism, I will burn out and want to quit. If I come at this practice with sanctimony (I think may be my new favorite word. lol) like "I'm saving beings, what are these losers doing?" it's not going to work. If I come at this practice like "hey I'm just sitting, nothing else matters" it's not going to work. I need this dynamic tension of just sitting with everything (not pushing or grasping) while trying my best. Trying my best to become my best while at the same time knowing that on an ultimate level no where to go.

Life is like this - of course it is; otherwise this practice would be meaningless. I need to eat right and work out, to use a common example. I can approach that like I am going to eat perfectly and work out because I"M a fat loser slob. Or I can work out by doing a nice easy walk and eat whatever I want because it doesn't matter. But it's both - and we have to figure out the mix for ourself. I'm at the point in my life, where I screw up. Sometimes I don't sit, sometimes I eat bad. But there is an underlying attitude in me that just wants to do as best I can.

And that is so hard; it's so hard to atone. When I mess up, instead of acknowledging where I am, learning from it and getting back up, a lot of times my mind starts sabotaging me like "why are you doing this?", "It's friday or it's a weekend, you should drink a little more.". "You sit all the time, taking a few days off isn't a big deal.". I have a lot, a lot, of divisive thoughts. By sitting, I'm able (if I'm not already hooked, but I'm getting better) to let them pass and even laugh or smile at them and then get back to what needs to be done.

Zen lets me see this, these negative attitudes toward myself and others. It's this tenacious energy in me that just wants to do my best, but at the same time acknowledging and being ok where I am. And my limited view of practice is this.

We are here- this is where we start all the time, right here, right now, but we have to do this work even though we aren't really getting anywhere. It's what it means to be human.

Dogen says it so poignantly in the Tenzo Kyokun (and it's one of my favorites): "If not now, when? If not you, who?" Zen brings about this engagement in life - there is this meaning to life that gets brought forth when bringing this attitude to life. It's this ultimate caring, not giving up, facing failure, getting back up attitude that is very empowering and humbling.

Gassho,

Risho
-sattoday

[emoji120]
What Shingen said!

Gassho
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH


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[AlanLa]

Resistant to practice lately, not sitting -- Me too! Not sure why, not burned out or anything, I just stopped for 5 days until today when I got back to it. I never stray far or long. It's all Zen, so I always come back.

[Jinyo]

Resistant to practice lately, not sitting -- Me too! Not sure why, not burned out or anything, I just stopped for 5 days until today when I got back to it. I never stray far or long. It's all Zen, so I always come back.

Me too!
Really appreciate the encouragement to re-read Okumura. Wonderful book - brings me right back to the heart of this practice.

Gassho

Willow/Jinyo

ST

[AlanLa]

What a strange little confessional this thread turned out to me. Gotta go sit now