BOOK OF EQUANIMITY - Case 44

[Ishin]

But then... yesterday my sweetie made himself a sandwich and left crumbs and a few tomato seeds on the counter. I had murder in my heart.


It’s the little things for me too. I have a looooong way to go.


Gassho
Lisa

I don't believe that for one second

Gassho
C

[Byokan]

Hi Clark,

haha, oh believe it my friend!

Gassho
Lisa

[Ongen]

Hi all,

small garuda's, Big Garudas...

A few months ago I was ready to quit my band. Now this band provides for half or my income and I have invested nine years of my life and loads of (scarce) money in it. For me it was a huge decision to quit. Yet I felt I had no choice anymore, since things did not go the way I wanted them to go, the way I aimed for them to go for nine years.

I decided I should 'let go' (and found that a very Zen thing to do ) Even my wife was glad I finally left Garuda Mountain!

So I wrote an e-mail to the band that contained all my frustrations, and my decision to leave those behind.

Instead of an answer from the bandmembers, I received an invitation to go and have a beer. Which we did. And we had such a great evening! We talked a lot. Nothing changed that night, nothing!
Yet the next morning, and still, I found that Garuda Mountain was not Garuda Mountain anymore. I let go of the need to let go.

No Garudas, No Dragons, dragons are Dragons. Garudas are garudas.


Gassho
Vincent

* starts packing his climbing gear

[Shinzan]

Garundas? Dragons? The surest place for the garundas to swoop in is around my family, bless 'em.
Oh yeah, also when I'm not around my family. hahahahah
Shinzan

[Tb]

Hi.

On Treeleaf there is an priest who always says "its all good practice".
Sometimes i just want to walk up and give him an hug, sometimes...
But he's right, its all good practice.
Sometimes you rumble, sometimes you run, all part of life.

Thank you for your practice

Mtfbwy
Fugen

[Mp]

Hi.

On Treeleaf there is an priest who always says "its all good practice".
Sometimes i just want to walk up and give him an hug, sometimes...
But he's right, its all good practice.
Sometimes you rumble, sometimes you run, all part of life.

Thank you for your practice

Mtfbwy
Fugen

Hello,

Wow, you too eh ... I have heard of that priest! =)

Yes, all god practice!

Gassho
Shingen

[Meishin]

Hi there,

Time to come out. I came to Treeleaf after about a year of koan work with another sangha. I'd come to the conclusion koan work was not for me. But after only a few weeks, it seemed clear that it wasn't a matter of one practice vs. another. It was just my defenses applied to a variety of circumstances. Koan work, Shikantaza, at one level it's all the same. Going to be problems. So thinking that I had run away from something rather than run to something, I returned to the old sangha for a sesshin minus the anxieties that had been present before. This time I had no idea what would happen in dokusan, and at one level it didn't matter. No expectations. I was just there, just sitting with my friends. Very little analysis (very unusual for me since I was trained as a scientist). And this time it was so different. I strolled through the koans like walking in a gentle stream. What had been impossibly obtuse was now pretty obvious. No fireworks but a lot of quiet tears and laughter. Two weeks later I attended another sesshin, and this was much the same. I felt like I'd come home.

At that point I appreciated Treeleaf, I appreciated the old sangha, I appreciated the daily sits, and I appreciated my life. It was all good. I was swimming with the dragons. Not proud, but very content.

Then in fly the garudas. In droves like shrapnel. Medical problems in my family. Medical problems with a key player at work. Financial difficulties with my grown children. Cars breaking down. Grandchildren losing their daycare. Conflicts with extended family. The prospects of a pesky deposition. At first I waved them aside like mosquitoes. I can handle this, it's okay. But it was as if I was in a video game; each problem handled would up the ante to another level. "If that doesn't bother you, let's try this!" By now all rosy glow from the sesshins was gone, but still I maintained equanimity. After all, this is what it's all about "where the rubber meets the road." It's okay. I'm still sitting.

Two days ago I woke with a new thought: "None of this is worth a damn! I'm going down the tube." That was and is a very real feeling. It may be nothing more than a passing thought, insubstantial. But it sure as hell feels real. None of the platitudes - those I say to myself or read -- seem to help at all. Even sitting is a momentary respite.

So I'm reaching out for support. I'm an old guy, and I've been through some battles. I know "this too shall pass." But I don't really think its just passing will be of much use. It seems somehow integrally related to what went before. Peaks and valleys. I'd like not only to survive this, but to learn how to ride it better. Pretty sure it's going to happen over and over.

Guess that's my presentation of this koan. I'd appreciate your comments.

Gassho,
John

[Jundo]

Peaks and valleys, life, Samsara. It is your Karrma or just where life is right now.

See through the peaks and valleys. I know it is hard.

It is always hard when it is one's own life. You know the story of the mustard seed and Kisa Ghotami? Show me a house that is always passed over. **

I also remind folks that, in Zazen, we also feel a kind of Great Gratitude toward the ups and downs in life which does not always manifest necessarily as an obvious feeling of gratitude. What is the difference between gratitude and Great Gratitude seen in a Buddha's Eye?

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?11275-SIT-A-LONG-with-Jundo-gratitude-Great-Gratitude

I will sit and offer Metta for you. Beyond that, not much to say.

Gassho, J

**

When her son died just a few years into his life, Kisa Gotami went mad with grief. A wise person saw her condition and told her to find the Buddha, who had the medicine she needed. Kisa Gotami went to the Buddha, and asked him to give her the medicine that would restore her dead child to life. The Buddha told her to go out and find a mustard seed from a house where nobody had died. Kisa Gotami was heartened, and began her search, going door to door. Everyone was willing to give her a mustard seed, but every household she encountered had seen at least one death. She understood why the Buddha had sent her on this quest. She returned to the Buddha, who confirmed what she had realized: "There is no house where such does not come."

[Meishin]

Thank you, Jundo

Gassho,
John

[Byokan]

Hi All,

I have to say I agree with John H. None of this is worth a damn. And yes it is going to happen over and over. We may gain great insight and equanimity, but the wheel doesn’t stop turning. Work, eat, shit, meditate, sleep, brush your teeth again, easy times come, then hard times, work, eat, shit, meditate, sleep, brush your teeth again. Why bother? I mean really, why? I can’t answer that.


I think you have to either opt in or not. It seems meaningless to weigh the “good” times against the “bad”. Garuda will always dance with the dragon. Don’t stand outside the door. Go in and join the dance. My move is the twist, it works for me. Maybe your move is the macarena or the moonwalk. The band won’t always play your favorite song, and sometimes you’ll lose the beat and look like an idiot. It's ok. If you get tired, sit down and have some punch and watch for awhile. Anyway all your friends are there, and that's nice. Eventually the dance will end and you’ll say where did the night go?


As Peggy Lee sang:

Is that all there is?
Is that all there is?
If that’s all there is my friends
Then lets keep dancing

Metta for all of us, enjoy the dance,
Gassho
Lisa

[Meishin]

Thanks Lisa. "Don't stand outside the door. Go in and join the dance." "...opt in or out." Shit or get off the pot.

Gassho,
John

[Joyo]

Hi All,

I have to say I agree with John H. None of this is worth a damn. And yes it is going to happen over and over. We may gain great insight and equanimity, but the wheel doesn’t stop turning. Work, eat, shit, meditate, sleep, brush your teeth again, easy times come, then hard times, work, eat, shit, meditate, sleep, brush your teeth again. Why bother? I mean really, why? I can’t answer that.


I think you have to either opt in or not. It seems meaningless to weigh the “good” times against the “bad”. Garuda will always dance with the dragon. Don’t stand outside the door. Go in and join the dance. My move is the twist, it works for me. Maybe your move is the macarena or the moonwalk. The band won’t always play your favorite song, and sometimes you’ll lose the beat and look like an idiot. It's ok. If you get tired, sit down and have some punch and watch for awhile. Anyway all your friends are there, and that's nice. Eventually the dance will end and you’ll say where did the night go?


As Peggy Lee sang:




Metta for all of us, enjoy the dance,
Gassho
Lisa

Thanks LIsa, this is very helpful.

Gassho,
Joyo

[Joyo]

Lisa, your post actually reminds me of one of Garth Brooks' songs.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7FRbeaXjvk

Gassho,
Joyo

[Byokan]

Hi Joyo,

By the way, that metaphor of the dance is inspired by Jundo's brilliant words, here:

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?7723-Buddha-Basics-%28Part-XVII%29-%C2%97-The-Dance-of-Emptiness&highlight=dance

Thanks for sharing that song, it is beautiful!

(p.s. That guy's voice reminds me of Chris Gaines)


Gassho
Lisa

[Meishin]

Thanks to all.

Gassho,
John