BOOK OF EQUANIMITY - Case 43

**Byokan** · 06-28-2014, 10:58 AM

Yet also, there was Such beyond and right through coming and going. No Arising No Vanishing as nothing less than all arising and vanishing. Timeless that washes through words like "infinite" or finite" ... Timeless and all time heard in each passing tick of the clock.

On my birthday in 2009 the phone rang. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and given 2 months to live. To make a long story short, I’ll just say we had a difficult and strained relationship. After many years of practice, I had finally come to peace with our relationship in my own mind and heart, and no longer suffered because of it. Acceptance and compassion had flowered where once there was only pain.

But although we had spoken very briefly on the phone a few times, I had not seen him in 20 years. In a move that surprised everyone including me, I quit my job and moved back home to take care of him. I arrived on his doorstep with a little fear. I asked myself if the peace and equanimity I felt was real. Would it fall apart in the presence of sickness, old age and death? Would the old pain and anger return if I spent time with him?

We went through a lot of changes dealing with his cancer and all that came with it. And my Dad was still the same guy, not especially kind to me. This is not a Hollywood story where everyone gets redeemed and all issues are neatly wrapped up. But I felt compassion arise instead of anger and pain. I found that there was a very still and timeless space available to me that was beyond our individual problems, at the same time as it encompassed all that had happened between us. The old issues arose but they had little substance, they did not hook me like before. Because of my practice, I was able to do what needed to be done, take care of him, express the compassion I felt for him and for myself, and be grounded in a way I didn’t even know I was capable of. In short, my practice was put to the test, and it held up.

My Dad died peacefully a year and a half later, at home, with me holding his hand. I am filled with gratitude and honored that I was able to offer him service, comfort and companionship on his way out of this world. That year and a half was harder than I could ever say, and also beautiful, and terrible, and precious. This gift to my Dad and to me came from the practice.

Gassho
Lisa

**Myosha** · 06-28-2014, 03:47 PM

Dear Lisa,

With gratitude, and thank you.

Gassho,
Myosha

**Byokan** · 06-28-2014, 06:40 PM

Myosha

p.s. sorry everyone to start our discussion off with cancer and death!! Can't understand why I don't get invited to more parties

Gassho
Lisa

**Jundo** · 06-28-2014, 06:51 PM

I do not think the story was about cancer and death alone, but about life and living. Lovely.

Gassho, J

Mp · 06-28-2014, 08:49 PM

Originally posted by Jundo

I do not think the story was about cancer and death alone, but about life and living. Lovely.

Gassho, J

Yes!!!

Hello Lisa ... I too have related stories to cancer as my mother fought that battle, thankfully she is still here with me. =)

I so agree and connect with what Jundo has said that death shows us life! Through the struggle of sickness, sadness, and fear of death life has taught me so much on loving and accepting each moment as a true treasure.

I too have faced many deaths in my life with people who I have loved ... and in their death they taught me how to live and I will always be grateful for those moments!

Gassho
Shingen

**RichardH** · 06-29-2014, 03:05 AM

Hi Jundo. I'm just glad you don't have cancer and that you probably won't die soon. It would be very sad and I would miss you.

QUESTION: Has Zen Practice allowed you to experience the Timeless amid the change, impermanence and endings of your life ... meeting "No Arising No Vanishing" right at the heart of a moment of arising and vanishing in your life?

yes. sometimes, just like that. At other times I get dragged up and down by beginnings and endings. ..It alternates.

Gassho
Daizan

**Meishin** · 06-29-2014, 07:51 PM

Hi all,

What I am noticing is how, if I wait just a little, the impulse to say an unkind word floats across the mind and just drifts away. Being somewhat ADHD this is not easy. It's easier to let the thought potentiate action. But given awareness and patience, it does dissipate. And even when it reappears, same thing.

Gassho,
John

**Kantai** · 06-30-2014, 06:18 AM

I'm glad you're OK Jundo.

Gassho
Kantai

**Risho** · 07-06-2014, 07:05 PM

to all these posts.

When my wife's mom passed, my soon to be brother-in-law (and I by the way) just felt helpless. He looked at me and asked, "What can I do?" I said, "Just be here." That's all we can ever do I suppose, well unless we are running from things we don't like, as I often do.

This koan really slapped me with some things.. like "where can we ever be?" "Of course, just here!" I felt like this koan just helped me see things clearer in a way.. .like a lot of times, I fall into the traps that these old Zen masters are setting... I feel like they are saying, "OK I can shoot you in the foot, or I can stab your hand. Which would you like?" Or the koan (and I'm going to butcher this), a zen adept is holding onto a branch with his mouth, and a teacher says, "how do you respond?". If the zen student responds, and opens his mouth he falls to his death. If he says nothing, he covets the teachings and kills his vows. What should you do?

It's the same thing.... there isn't a perfect answer... but we must answer, we must act and be here. But consciously act and be here. Of course we're here, but this practice is about really, really being here and living. And how can one express more gratitude than by truly living this life and accepting it (not passively of course) instead of blindly running from what we don't like and grabbing after what we do?

It's like WWKD? What would Kannon do? hahaaha had to add that. lol

Gassho,

Risho

**Kyotai** · 07-07-2014, 01:03 PM

When I took on a new job years ago, it put me in a position of having to speak in front of people, and think on my feet. Filled with thoughts of what people thought of me, I began to see myself through my colleagues eyes. I became a seperate observer commenting on my own briefing. I was really causing myself a lot of grief.

One day, I decided to pay attention to all the anxiety. I looked around the room simply as it existed in that moment. Commentary dropped off. Anxiety dropped off, that space was replaced by feeling compassion. I delivered my briefing.

Sort of my first tastes of zazen off the cushion during a moment of change in my life.

Gassho, Shawn