BOOK OF EQUANIMITY - Case 31

[Mp]

I cannot do it all. I cannot solve every problem. I cannot provide enough. I cannot do life for other people. But that’s OK. I can do all that I can and in this doing know that it is enough and in truly living my life as me, know that I am living it to the fullest.

Wow, yes, this is awesome, thank you Heisoku. I too was like that and for so many years of my life. I am thankful that this practice has and is showing that balance can be created and maintained.

Gassho
Shingen

[Risho]

Gassho,

Risho

[AlanLa]

What is both and neither adequate or inadequate, fully transcending yet holding all adequate and inadequate human views and stone pillars?

Me and that person I don't think of as a buddha but who really is a buddha, except that I am wrong about us both. This happens pretty rarely, and when it does happen it is very temporary. A student got on my almost non-existent shit list recently for her abusive and threatening behavior towards another student, among other things, behavior very unbuddha-like. I am getting over it, and in its place is concern and compassion for the future of that student in how she can find a way in life to be more buddha-like. We are both quite flawed, perfectly so, which brings me to...

Express how, in life, inadequacy is quite adequate. Give an example from your life

There are parts of my job I do quite adequately, and there are other parts that I do quite inadequately. The parts that I do inadequately are the parts that I don't like. Actually, when I do those tasks I do them adequately, but my avoiding them is the inadequacy. It's all just my job, this whole package of work that nests within the whole package of life that nests within form and emptiness. When I am in the moment of any task, work or otherwise, adequacy and inadequacy disappear. When I am doing any task half-assed, adequacy and inadequacy reappear.

There are parts of my life that I feel could be better, that are judged to be inadequate, and so I strive to find a way to make them better, adequate. But doing so just feeds the hungry ghost inside me. My inadequacy is perfectly adequate, and peace reigns during the times in my life when I realize this, but that hungry ghost is persistent, so the battle ebbs and flows. Lately, there is lots of ebbing, but I know change is inevitable and that flow will happen in due time. Just doing this exercise brings flow closer.

One of the things this practice has helped me with is that even in the midst of feelings of great inadequacy, I rarely feel stuck in it the way I used to. Now, thanks to this practice, even if I feel lost and out of control in my search for adequacy, I know, deep down, that it will pass and that I will once again regain my sense of perfectly adequate inadequacy. And the same goes in the other direction when I feel that way, I know it won't last either. But with each cycle I get a little better, a little further along the Path.

I study and practice the dharma = clouds rising in the south mountains
I occasionally realize my perfectly adequate inadequacy = scattered showers in the north mountains

I've missed this koan stuff.

[Memo]

hearing word buddha certain concept arises and when i walk this world i see people that don't fit into concept and that's also why i'm mistaken of what buddha is because it certainly ain't a concept instead i should let go of concepts and accept whatever comes

inadequacy is quite adequate-killing and grilling other sentient beings

what's both adequate and inadequate and neither adequate and inadequate- whatever i get in touch with and evaluating it with my thoughts

gassho, Memo

[Risho]

Questions:

- Tell me about somebody or something in the world that you have a very hard time experiencing as "Buddha". Next, tell me why you are mistaken! 

I have a hard time experiencing myself as "Buddha". I usually see the "Buddhaness" in others, but I notice my faults such as being quick to anger, or buying into paranoia about losing my job or not feeling good enough. But I realize those deluded thoughts are just as Buddha as the serene thoughts. They are good grist for the mill and helped bring me to this practice in the first place. Sun Faced Buddha, Moon Faced Buddha. Sometimes Buddha is scared, sometimes angry, sometimes serene, sometimes Buddha doesn't listen too well when his wife is talking to him. lol

- Express how, in life, inadequacy is quite adequate. Give an example from your life.

A good example of when I feel inadequate is at work. Sometimes I feel threatened if someone knows more than me. But when I drop that, it just is and it's fine. It's a gift because it gives me the chance to learn something new. And when you can find something new and exciting and you can learn that is an awesome, awesome gift.

- Now, express what is both and neither adequate or inadequate, fully transcending yet holding all adequate and inadequate human views and stone pillars.

Today when sitting zen, I had a feeling of bliss. Sometimes I get these, and I think they can be more dangerous than other "negative" feelings because I tend to want to hold onto those. I feel more prepared for negative feelings for some reason, like I know to be watchful of them and not fall into those. But promises of paradise are a lot more tricky for me.

Then I straightened up and dropped it, and it just subsided. There is no adequacy or inadequacy any more.. There is just this, just sitting. It's like that off of the cushion too. These judgements that I put on my life can be like a prison, but if I just drop those and do, be then poof just doing ,just being, no issues.

But this dropping can be misleading. Sometimes it may seem like oh just drop, practice is adequate, but then I am trapped again. As it says in Genjokoan,

When dharma does not fill your whole body and mind, you may assume it is already sufficient. When dharma fills your body and mind, you understand that something is missing.

So I could say "oh my practice is sufficient or adequate" and go on with my little bullshit story. But life and practice are both.. at times they feel adequate, at times they do not. But this is neither.. it is beyond those judgments, no matter how I might want to contain it.

In a way those clouds that we grasp on to are a good thing. I don't think I should look for them but they are blessing because they give me an opportunity to practice. All life is like this to me. Practice is active and something to be engaged in. Feeling that practice is not adequate, not sufficient, is good because it helps me to keep going and not rest on my laurels. But it's important that I not become attached to that idea. The important point for me is to keep on sitting, keep on practicing, keep on learning… the middle way beyond those grasping thoughts and boundaries.

But I'm just barely scratching the surface. As Bokusan Nishiari says in Dogen's Genjokoan: Three Commentaries" (p. 61).

You had been busily running around like thirsty person looking for water. But now, when you become your original person, what will you think? You understand that even before taking one step there was already the original face and eye and the complete Buddha dharma, abiding where bodhi-mind first arose. This cannot be understood with our twenty or thirty years of endeavor in the face of extreme hardship.

To me that is inspiring, not daunting. Adequate, inadequate.. I need to find out by daily practice… It never ends, always something new to practice. This practice is a gift!

Gassho,

Risho

[Heisoku]

Thank you so much Risho, you articulate what I cannot and with such insight. Gassho.

Sent from my BlackBerry 9790 using Tapatalk

[Shokai]

Awesome Cyril, always enjoy your posts

gassho,

[Risho]

Thank you guys.

Gassho,

Risho

[pinoybuddhist]

Questions:

- Tell me about somebody or something in the world that you have a very hard time experiencing as "Buddha". Next, tell me why you are mistaken!
- Express how, in life, inadequacy is quite adequate. Give an example from your life.
- Now, express what is both and neither adequate or inadequate, fully transcending yet holding all adequate and inadequate human views and stone pillars.

Apologies in advance: I keep trying to not to rant in my post but it keeps turning out rant-like.

Who I have difficulty experiencing as Buddha: Me, when I'm not sitting zazen. Other people, when I'm not sitting zazen. Kids on the street, young women in rags carrying their babies wading through traffic to knock on car windows and often turning away empty-handed. My mother stuck in the hospital dying and in need of money that I can no longer give. It's not simply that it's hard to experience them as Buddha - it's that it hurts to even think of them as Buddha. Kannon must be in a lot of pain. How does it feel to hear the world's cries and know it's your own cries you're hearing? To think of all those sentient beings, yourself included, crying out - and then there's that vow we take to liberate us all: and that hurts too.

And I guess that's my answer to Question Number 2 as well: this practice, my efforts to keep the Bodhisattva Vows, everything are all inadequately adequate/adequately inadequate. When I tell people of my mother's situation and how I can no longer financially support her (at least not without dipping into the funds for my children's education and future, which my wife and I agreed we wouldn't touch), everybody seems to be of the opinion that I've given enough. And that's true. After all, I am also a sentient being.

But on the other hand, it's not enough and it will never be enough. And I'm not talking about just money here. The love and compassion I have - it will never be enough. You think not? Try liberating even just one sentient being and you'll see this not-enough clearly. At the same time, this not-enough is enough. It is because it is not enough that the practice is never-ending. What is it that Dogen said in Genjo Koan? "When Dharma fills your whole being you know something is missing." I know that something's missing and so I keep practicing. And that's enough.


Rafael

[Jundo]

Yes, Rafael, yes. You bring tears. Gassho, J

[Shokai]

Thank you for sharing all that pain Rafael; but we must let go of it as well. It is what it is and we can only do what we can do. When we say ,"All the evil committed by me ..." we include the quilt and atone/at-one for it all; and we sit with(out) it

gassho,

[Mp]

Thank you Raf and yes, this practice is never ending, as the suffering of all sentient beings is never ending.

Gassho
Shingen

[Risho]

Thank you Raf.

Gassho,

Risho

[pinoybuddhist]

Rafael

[Heisoku]

Gassho and metta.