BOOK OF EQUANIMITY - Case 15

[Risho]

I have been avoiding this one; I just don't have any answers to this one that satisfy me.

Questions:

- Tell a real story from your life exemplifying how you came up from the field of some hard labors, and headed back down to "get 'er done" ... yet all is "Just This"? Most recently, I've been facing some challenges at work; at one point during zazen yesterday I almost felt like I couldn't take it because of the stress. It happens from time to time. I stress myself out a lot; I feel like I have to know everything. But when I calmed down and settled into sitting, the wave of the moment finally gone... just peace. Then I felt "ok". That is a dangerous part of zen for me; it's like whatever I've been thinking all day is suddenly magnified during sitting because I don't have anything distracting me. This could be anything from what I was listening to on the radio, rambling over old conversations are listening to the stressful talk I"m going through in my head. Being able to pay attention to all that stuff and not give up, get up or run away is my hard labor at times. Sitting is easy when my mind is at ease, but it's not always at ease. I get taken in by my thoughts, emotions, fear that I'm lacking and so forth. By being able to sit and face that, I also find I can apply that to life off of the cushion.

- Can you express your understanding of how your own individual "bowing/dancing/catching cold" ... is precisely and intimately others & the whole world "springing into action/nodding/sneezing"?

How I act or react to certain events, hold myself illustrates a general feeling of the world as it is now. How I let emotions make me their captor can be a prison. And if I let things take my mind from peace, it directly affects the environment around me. We directly impact each others lives, so this contributes to others feelings as well. I'm not saying I should pretend to be upbeat.. If I'm down I'm down, or when happy I'm happy. But by not getting so (I don't know a better term) caught by those feelings.. just riding them out, I think it can help. Although I usually delude myself, I'm not the only person in the universe or the most important. I may intellectualize that but most times I don't act like it. I try to smile at people as I pass them, or let people in, during traffic. By not adding to the fire or to the already stressful situations of life, we can help ease things a bit. I don't know how much it eases, and it doesn't matter, but I think my smile makes others smile and my letting others into the lane in front of me on the highway shows others that it's ok, it's not a race. We are all in this together, none of us better or more deserving of happiness than anyone else. Not to take from a Steve Hagen book, but I'm in a Hagen frame of mind. lol There's an image in Buddhism: Plain and Simple (and I"m going to ruin this because I don't have the book with me. lol) of a banquet. And the people are starving. You cannot feed yourself. The only way to get nourished is by feeding others and let them feed you. In most cases, I'd starve. haahah But by giving without the thought of giving we end up saving ourselves.

I'm not sure if I answered that last question... these are hard ones for me.

Gassho,

Risho

[galen]

I have not had a chance to sit on your post here, Risho, but in your last words, its seems you of anyone on these threads, always seem to step up and take on what is seemingly hard. You open yourself Way up here in these forums, far more then me and most others. I can only hope to embrace your self honesty as such.

[Rich]

Ditto to what Galen said. Anyone who would yield to me in traffic is a true bodhisattva- -)

[Risho]

Thank you Galen.

Rich, I meant I would yield to everyone else except you. hahhahhhaha just kidding

[Jundo]

... it's like whatever I've been thinking all day is suddenly magnified during sitting because I don't have anything distracting me. This could be anything from what I was listening to on the radio, rambling over old conversations are listening to the stressful talk I"m going through in my head. Being able to pay attention to all that stuff and not give up, get up or run away is my hard labor at times. Sitting is easy when my mind is at ease, but it's not always at ease. I get taken in by my thoughts, emotions, fear that I'm lacking and so forth. By being able to sit and face that, I also find I can apply that to life off of the cushion.

The "sensory deprivation tank" of Zazen ... turning down or off distractions and other noise to pull our attention away ... does often cause some things to seem magnified, other things "well up" from the subconscious in the space created. Part of this Practice is to recognize when our mind is playing such "mind games" ... and to recognize them as such, as "the mind playing with my head" ... and not get suckered in to it. This is an important part of the Practice. For example, in the past, when (pardon my French**) I used to "feel like shit" about something in life, I used to think "life is shit". Now, I tend to react with, "In my thoughts, I momentarily feel like shit right now ... and while it feels like shit, a bit later I will surely feel something else".

I can also more easily encounter Buddha shining in/as/through and through even the worst shit, even if it still feels as shit.

Gassho, Jundo

** For our actual French speakers, this expression "pardon my French" is an English colloquial expression which means (for some reason) "pardon my use of the following 'dirty word'". If it were actually, literally "pardon my French", I would say instead "pardonnez ma merde".

[Mp]

Part of this Practice is to recognize when our mind is playing such "mind games" ... and to recognize them as such, as "the mind playing with my head" ... and not get suckered in to it. This is an important part of the Practice. For example, in the past, when (pardon my French**) I used to "feel like shit" about something in life, I used to think "life is shit". Now, I tend to react with, "In my thoughts, I momentarily feel like shit right now ... and while it feels like shit, a bit later I will surely feel something else".

Nicely put Jundo, I like this very much.

Gassho
Michael

[Risho]

Gassho,

Risho

[galen]

The "sensory deprivation tank" of Zazen ... turning down or off distractions and other noise to pull our attention away ... does often cause some things to seem magnified, other things "well up" from the subconscious in the space created. Part of this Practice is to recognize when our mind is playing such "mind games" ... and to recognize them as such, as "the mind playing with my head" ... and not get suckered in to it. This is an important part of the Practice. For example, in the past, when (pardon my French**) I used to "feel like shit" about something in life, I used to think "life is shit". Now, I tend to react with, "In my thoughts, I momentarily feel like shit right now ... and while it feels like shit, a bit later I will surely feel something else".

I can also more easily encounter Buddha shining in/as/through and through even the worst shit, even if it still feels as shit.

Gassho, Jundo

** For our actual French speakers, this expression "pardon my French" is an English colloquial expression which means (for some reason) "pardon my use of the following 'dirty word'". If it were actually, literally "pardon my French", I would say instead "pardonnez ma merde".

Well expressed, Jundo, on your shit, thanks.

And deep bows to Risho, who in his own Way teaches a lot, from my perspective.

[Kaishin]

Ditto to what Galen said. Anyone who would yield to me in traffic is a true bodhisattva- -)

Double ditto! I always enjoy your input, Risho!

I feel like I have to know everything

I know the feeling... I used to stress the hell out of myself, especially in my 20s, trying to JUST KNOW EVERYTHING! In the past couple of years, and I attribute this mostly to Zen, I've just started to let that crazy need go. It's kind of liberating being dumb lol. I'm certain I'm dumber than I was ten years ago, and that's OK. It never really got me anything except a damn headache anyway!

_/\_

[AlanLa]

You're ok, Risho.

Now, as for that second question. It is easy to make a case for how we are is how we act, which in turn affects others quite directly. In other words, as others have already stated, when I am happy I smile,and that leads others ti smile, or if I am angry and scowling others will behave warily, and so on. But - and I am probably over thinking this - once I take out all the flowery language about bowing, dancing and springing forth (sorry Jundo), I read the question as simply this: How am I others? Now that's a koan.

[AlanLa]

Slept with it.
Sat with it.
How am I others?
How are others me?
Through empathy and compassion.
As i/others feel, others/i also feel.
When i/others need something, others/i provide it.
For an example of this look no further than members' responses to Risho above.
(Not mine, however, as it was quite weak.)
He bowed, and others sprang forth.
Or was it the other way around?

[Risho]

hahahah thank you Alan, a lightbulb went off while reading your poem... I see "One monk bows, and the whole temple springs into activity!" We post and the entire congregation comes to life. I cannot do this by myself (anything). It's when I try to, that I delude myself; it's the same grasping in the chain of causation leading to dukkha. When one of us does something, it resonates with everyone, like the hairs on a caterpillar reacting to the breeze... or the tips of the grass reacting to the rain... the dewdrops reflecting the moonlight. There's nothing to be done or rationalized, that's how it is. That's just what happens in this inter-dependent universe. Not nothing to be done as in I throw my hands up, not going to do anything to help... that is the selfishness, self-centeredness. It's the nothing to be done but what needs to be done... the helping of someone because they need the help without the thoughts of grasping of I'm doing this because I'm such a great person.

Very, very deep bows and thanks to you all,

Risho


Speaking of this koan, something happened last night and I wasn't sure where I was going to post it, but I wanted to share it with everyone here. And I think it directly relates to this koan.

My wife and I have 2 dogs. One is a little over 3 years old. The other is 12.5 years old. The older one's name is Sakura. I love my dogs. This is my wife and my first dog. We got her when we were dating back in 99. She was born on 12/23/99; a puppy of my friend's other dog who was apparently a real neighborhood hussy. lol Anyway, she's all black; she's part Rott and Lab, so she has the body of a Rott but the face of a lab. My friend named her; I wish I were that clever to think of Sakura.

In any case, we were roommates with my friend when we had her, and I happened to lose my job when she was 6 months old. We had to move in with my parents. So I thought I had to find her another home, which was so hard. My parents are animal lovers too, so they agreed to let us bring her. Shortly after we moved in we got her her puppy shots. It was a little late at 6 months, but I forgot that they needed them earlier. As a reaction to her vaccinations, she got parvo. I had no idea what it was; parvo is such a violent virus, it destroys the inner lining of the stomach and can be fatal, especially to labs. We took her to the emergency vet, and we had to hospitalize her. I cashed out my retirement. I was only 24, and I only had a couple years invested, so I did it without flinching. I couldn't let her die so young.

In any case, after 2 weeks, she made it! We got married in 2001 and eventually found our own place in 2002. We adopted another dog, named Lexy. We had to put lexy to sleep in 2010 for a rare blood disease... ugh In any case, Sakura was so mothering and took care of Lexy as a pup, showing her the doggy ropes. Eventually we moved to Florida in 2005. In 2006, she got a weird sickness that we never figured out. She had to be put on some very strong antibiotics and she eventually recovered. In 2007 or 2008, she became blind. She had a case of SARD (Sudden Acute Retinal something or other). The eyes still work but the brain no longer interprets the stimuli. She didn't have any brain tumors. I noticed before she became blind she would repeatedly walk around the house and the perimeter of the yard (we were renting a house at that time). I later realized she was studying it; after she became blind, she had no problem navigating. Ok she bumps into things, but she is just incredible. She went blind, goes through all this stuff and never gives up. There is never a thought of "I quit".

When we got our 3rd dog in 2009, Sakura took to her role of mothering again. Now, yesterday..

After we got home from picking up dinner, I was going to take the dogs out. I started watching her walk. All 4 legs were bent and she was weirdly walking. I thought, "what is going on?". Suddenly, she squats and pees. So I yell at her, grab her leash and take her to the door. She falls down. I pick her up, we get outside and she falls down again. Now the falling down can be normal; she's 12.5 and she has hip dysplasia and severe arthritis; maybe she might lose her balance, but not 3 times in a row after peeing in the house; she is the perfect indoor dog, when she pees in the house something is wrong. She also has a chronic UTI; we should have named her lucky. lol But we have her on joint supplements and anti-arthritic pain meds... So she is not suffering. In any case, she starts peeing as she's laying down outside. Then she poops. While this is happening, her eyes are going up and down. I thought she was stroking, and thought she might be dying right before me. I just kept thinking about her, then I got stern with myself to bring myself back to her... just to hold her and do whatever I could to just get out of the way and "BE" with her there for her... to do whatever I could to keep her from panicking.

We got her to the emergency vet; I thought we would have to euthanize her. It turns out that yet again, this magic dog has escaped to live another day. She has IVD (Idiopathic Vestibular Disease) . It's a balance disorder that older dogs get. They gave her an anti-vomiting med and dramamine for the dizziness. THey said it could take a week or more to get better. But she's almost completely normal today. Fortunately, I can work from home and help her walk. The vet asked us if we could do what needed to be done to take care of her. Of course! She's not heavy she's my sister.... And just like this koan, when one monk bows, the whole temple springs into activity.

This practice is about doing what needs to be done; to do that we need to get out of our own way and do it without worrying about crazy outcomes that will likely never come true. In the midst of the chaos, or what may seem like chaos, I just dropped negative or positive thoughts, was with my dog and did what had to be done.

It made me think of this koan, and the question, specifically about hard labors. From one perspective the labors are hard, at the same time, there is no hard and soft or labor at all when all that is being done is what needs to be done in the moment. It's like this practice, observing the precepts, drinking when we are thirsty, sleeping when we are tired. It is like as Master Dogen said, "groping for a pillow in the dark". When there is no separation at all, when there is no "I" or "labor" or "hard labor" that results from comparing this from that, all that occurs is the laboring itself, the being together, the loving of others who need love, the helping across the street the people that need to be helped across the street, and the knowing when not to interfere.

Gassho,

Risho

[galen]

Thanks, Alan, well done.

And thanks also for giving Risho the fire to flame out the dog koan .

Risho, I galen, immediately promote you to a full priest!

[Omoi Otoshi]

Thank you Risho,
Pontus

[galen]

Thank you Risho,
Pontus

Hey Pontus.... why did you not show up on the other thread about 'not-two' ?? Actually I understand, man, you did not need the supposed mess I created, but had to kid you here.