Hello Treeleaf,
I haven’t written here in some time, though I occasionally check in and read posts. Since having a baby, there have been necessary changes, reduction in things like the internet (and thus, Treeleaf), as well as sitting, writing, and sleeping. I want to share a little experience, though, which may be helpful to others and has been part of my practice lately.
I’ve been studying Genjokoan often. These words in particular:
“Flowers fall even though we love them; weeds grow even though we dislike them. Conveying oneself toward all things to carry out practice-enlightenment is delusion. All things coming and carrying out practice-enlightenment through the self is realization.”
There’s been a lot joy in my life recently. A new baby girl, a healthy family, a decent job, some success in my writing life, and yet the year for many others was extremely difficult. And at some point during the year, I found myself overwhelmed by what I perceived as negative things occurring. Negative things concerning the climate, race, gender, inequalities of all kinds, terror, bigotry. Somehow, my focus on these things crept into my own life. As I teacher, I spent a summer at home with a new baby and wife, writing and changing diapers, and then I went back to work in the fall, and living with whatever personalities I encountered there, whether pleasant or not, with things I read in the news that were unpleasant, with any number of factors, I repeatedly began to feel that all I wanted was to be at home with the new baby and my wife (who wasn’t back at work yet). So, I was dissatisfied in a low-level way because I wasn’t where I wanted to be (not in metaphorical sense at all; quite literal!). At the same time, when I was home, I wasn’t sitting as much. I was playing with the baby or changing diapers or feeding her or doing whatever chores needed done at the house – it was and is a joy. Yet, I didn’t have the time to sit, and frankly, whereas I once sat both morning and evening, and sometimes in the afternoon, now I was only sitting in the morning, because I was exhausted by 8pm and just wanted to get into bed, read a book, sleep. So, over some time, along with feeling I didn’t want to be at work and would rather be at home, didn’t want to live in world where terrible cruelty occurs and now with a baby in that world (a very clear fear), I also began to feel that I wasn’t practicing well. I was being lazy. I was looking for comfort and ease, wanting those things. I wanted to feel good about things and sought to do this, I wanted to be awake and aware, but only of the good things, and did so at the expense of trying to ignore the parts of my life I was dissatisfied by. I was compartmentalizing my life: this part at home is good, but my zen is bad, and at work and all the ugliness out in the world is bad, too, I don’t want it.
I was more confused, in all likelihood, than the above really depicts. This is how I see it only upon reflection, and while true, it’s also simplified, a little too black and white, but close enough. Also, I don’t want to make it seem like things were so terrible. They weren’t, and my difficulties, I know, are a small, small part of the pain of all the suffering in the world, but there was clear confusion, clear dissatisfaction, which I feel is worth sharing.
So: the main point of this is that one day we brought the baby to work, and it was as though what was dark became light (to use a serious cliché). I saw my separating of things. In that moment with the baby smiling and meeting colleagues, it became clear that work was also home. I saw that I had been conveying myself toward all things. When going out into the world, I was trying to pick and choose. Looking for the flowers, and trying to push away the weeds. The moment the baby was at work, it was clear that work was home, the ugly things in the world were home, home was home, the cushion was home, the street, my commute, all of it home: I’d forgotten.
This reminded me of a larger part of practice: this is the work, both on and off the cushion. To look closely. To work with my delusion. What are the places in my life that I try to ignore because I don’t like them, and what are the places I seek out because I want more of them? Can I sit with my mind behaving like that? Can I allow my seeking and avoiding mind to just sit? That is the work. Sit with my avoidance and my seeking, and let them sink away. Then home is everywhere. Then all things carry out practice-enlightenment through this little body and mind. Then this little body and mind can be there for the world, for others, for all others, and for all the others that are not other at all. I’ll end by saying that at 7 months old, our little girl is happy, and happy to let me sit twice a day now, and I thank her for reminding this tangled mind that home is right here.
Happy new year (I hope to be posting a little more again).
Gassho,
Alan
Sattoday
I haven’t written here in some time, though I occasionally check in and read posts. Since having a baby, there have been necessary changes, reduction in things like the internet (and thus, Treeleaf), as well as sitting, writing, and sleeping. I want to share a little experience, though, which may be helpful to others and has been part of my practice lately.
I’ve been studying Genjokoan often. These words in particular:
“Flowers fall even though we love them; weeds grow even though we dislike them. Conveying oneself toward all things to carry out practice-enlightenment is delusion. All things coming and carrying out practice-enlightenment through the self is realization.”
There’s been a lot joy in my life recently. A new baby girl, a healthy family, a decent job, some success in my writing life, and yet the year for many others was extremely difficult. And at some point during the year, I found myself overwhelmed by what I perceived as negative things occurring. Negative things concerning the climate, race, gender, inequalities of all kinds, terror, bigotry. Somehow, my focus on these things crept into my own life. As I teacher, I spent a summer at home with a new baby and wife, writing and changing diapers, and then I went back to work in the fall, and living with whatever personalities I encountered there, whether pleasant or not, with things I read in the news that were unpleasant, with any number of factors, I repeatedly began to feel that all I wanted was to be at home with the new baby and my wife (who wasn’t back at work yet). So, I was dissatisfied in a low-level way because I wasn’t where I wanted to be (not in metaphorical sense at all; quite literal!). At the same time, when I was home, I wasn’t sitting as much. I was playing with the baby or changing diapers or feeding her or doing whatever chores needed done at the house – it was and is a joy. Yet, I didn’t have the time to sit, and frankly, whereas I once sat both morning and evening, and sometimes in the afternoon, now I was only sitting in the morning, because I was exhausted by 8pm and just wanted to get into bed, read a book, sleep. So, over some time, along with feeling I didn’t want to be at work and would rather be at home, didn’t want to live in world where terrible cruelty occurs and now with a baby in that world (a very clear fear), I also began to feel that I wasn’t practicing well. I was being lazy. I was looking for comfort and ease, wanting those things. I wanted to feel good about things and sought to do this, I wanted to be awake and aware, but only of the good things, and did so at the expense of trying to ignore the parts of my life I was dissatisfied by. I was compartmentalizing my life: this part at home is good, but my zen is bad, and at work and all the ugliness out in the world is bad, too, I don’t want it.
I was more confused, in all likelihood, than the above really depicts. This is how I see it only upon reflection, and while true, it’s also simplified, a little too black and white, but close enough. Also, I don’t want to make it seem like things were so terrible. They weren’t, and my difficulties, I know, are a small, small part of the pain of all the suffering in the world, but there was clear confusion, clear dissatisfaction, which I feel is worth sharing.
So: the main point of this is that one day we brought the baby to work, and it was as though what was dark became light (to use a serious cliché). I saw my separating of things. In that moment with the baby smiling and meeting colleagues, it became clear that work was also home. I saw that I had been conveying myself toward all things. When going out into the world, I was trying to pick and choose. Looking for the flowers, and trying to push away the weeds. The moment the baby was at work, it was clear that work was home, the ugly things in the world were home, home was home, the cushion was home, the street, my commute, all of it home: I’d forgotten.
This reminded me of a larger part of practice: this is the work, both on and off the cushion. To look closely. To work with my delusion. What are the places in my life that I try to ignore because I don’t like them, and what are the places I seek out because I want more of them? Can I sit with my mind behaving like that? Can I allow my seeking and avoiding mind to just sit? That is the work. Sit with my avoidance and my seeking, and let them sink away. Then home is everywhere. Then all things carry out practice-enlightenment through this little body and mind. Then this little body and mind can be there for the world, for others, for all others, and for all the others that are not other at all. I’ll end by saying that at 7 months old, our little girl is happy, and happy to let me sit twice a day now, and I thank her for reminding this tangled mind that home is right here.
Happy new year (I hope to be posting a little more again).
Gassho,
Alan
Sattoday
From a selfish perspective I've really missed your posts, but it sounds like you literally have your hands full.
) 
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