Pardon me, I am a largely silent oldster here who just posts on occasions of finding signposts along the road, such as this.
At the beginning of last year I transitioned into a new job at my current university employment. I went from just being a professor/teacher, which I loved, to being director of a graduate program at a time that required a great deal of administrative duties, which is the stuff that I hate. I did this willingly but that doesn’t necessarily mean by choice; it was a logical option that made sense for all sorts of practical and political reasons, but it’s not something I would have chosen to do otherwise.
My result was a truly miserable year, one of my most miserable years in a long time. I resented my new duties, even though I chose to undertake them. I practiced zazen, as always, with the non-aim of just accepting my new role and its consequences, but to no avail. As the year went on I got angry, then depressed, drank too much, and began to dread going into work at my job, something I had up until this change had greatly enjoyed. There’s a lot more to this story, but that’s not pertinent to this post. Anyway, all along, I sat with the good and the bad of it, no aim, and no benefit, just trying to surf through it but I was falling all the time. All the time.
Normally, over a semester break I work on research or other school related projects, but not at the end of 2014. I was so miserable that once finals ended in December, I dropped all the school stuff I could. My break was like sitting on the beach, a break from surfing, yet still with the idea of surfing, and it was wonderful. But then when school got ready to start up again all the dread came back. I started to get stressed and depressed again and dreaded going back into that rough surf because I was afraid I might drown in it. Really.
I was doing zazen before the first day of classes and it hit me: I am no longer a teacher with administrative duties; I am an administrator who teaches. With that insight, that little twist of identity, the proverbial light clicked on and my attitude suddenly changed for the better. By no longer attaching to an identity, my suffering lessened. It’s only been a week now, but I feel much better. I suddenly embrace duties that I resented before. Furthermore, I think I am doing a better job at those duties now that I accept them.
My point is multifold. I will number them but that does not mean they come in any particular order or that this is any prescription for how to proceed in your Buddhist practice; I only mean to try and explain how it worked for me. First, it was only after I relinquished my identity as one thing that I could begin to accept my identity as another thing. Second, relinquishing my identity was hard work that took a long time but has had wonderful and unexpected rewards, so far. I mean, it took me a year to even recognize what my work identity was. Third, zazen is about dropping identity as self (and everything else) completely, so changing from one to another is not success in any way. Yes, I had a beneficial insight during zazen, but the reason I finally had that insight was about all the process described above, and the insight during zazen was never the point of doing zazen. Fourth, I have found the Path to be sl_o_o_o_o_o_w but always worthwhile and worth pursuing continuously.
I hope this helps in such a way that you can apply it to your life.
At the beginning of last year I transitioned into a new job at my current university employment. I went from just being a professor/teacher, which I loved, to being director of a graduate program at a time that required a great deal of administrative duties, which is the stuff that I hate. I did this willingly but that doesn’t necessarily mean by choice; it was a logical option that made sense for all sorts of practical and political reasons, but it’s not something I would have chosen to do otherwise.
My result was a truly miserable year, one of my most miserable years in a long time. I resented my new duties, even though I chose to undertake them. I practiced zazen, as always, with the non-aim of just accepting my new role and its consequences, but to no avail. As the year went on I got angry, then depressed, drank too much, and began to dread going into work at my job, something I had up until this change had greatly enjoyed. There’s a lot more to this story, but that’s not pertinent to this post. Anyway, all along, I sat with the good and the bad of it, no aim, and no benefit, just trying to surf through it but I was falling all the time. All the time.
Normally, over a semester break I work on research or other school related projects, but not at the end of 2014. I was so miserable that once finals ended in December, I dropped all the school stuff I could. My break was like sitting on the beach, a break from surfing, yet still with the idea of surfing, and it was wonderful. But then when school got ready to start up again all the dread came back. I started to get stressed and depressed again and dreaded going back into that rough surf because I was afraid I might drown in it. Really.
I was doing zazen before the first day of classes and it hit me: I am no longer a teacher with administrative duties; I am an administrator who teaches. With that insight, that little twist of identity, the proverbial light clicked on and my attitude suddenly changed for the better. By no longer attaching to an identity, my suffering lessened. It’s only been a week now, but I feel much better. I suddenly embrace duties that I resented before. Furthermore, I think I am doing a better job at those duties now that I accept them.
My point is multifold. I will number them but that does not mean they come in any particular order or that this is any prescription for how to proceed in your Buddhist practice; I only mean to try and explain how it worked for me. First, it was only after I relinquished my identity as one thing that I could begin to accept my identity as another thing. Second, relinquishing my identity was hard work that took a long time but has had wonderful and unexpected rewards, so far. I mean, it took me a year to even recognize what my work identity was. Third, zazen is about dropping identity as self (and everything else) completely, so changing from one to another is not success in any way. Yes, I had a beneficial insight during zazen, but the reason I finally had that insight was about all the process described above, and the insight during zazen was never the point of doing zazen. Fourth, I have found the Path to be sl_o_o_o_o_o_w but always worthwhile and worth pursuing continuously.
I hope this helps in such a way that you can apply it to your life.
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