Resistance to Buddha

[BadChemEng]

Hello everyone,
I have been dealing with an issue lately and am wondering if you have all dealt with anything similar. My wife is a Lutheran and is very resistant to my practice as it is something new and different. We have never really practiced a religion, but Christianity is just something she is used to and this is... different. I am wondering if any of you have experienced this and if you had any advice on how to approach this. I have tried to explain how things are not really all that diffeeent, but being new in practice myself I am having a hard time articulating things. I appreciate any advice you may be able to offer.

Gassho,
Brad

LsAtH

[Mp]

Hey Brad,

I have not faced this directly with a family member or partner, but what I have found helpful for me when talking with others is this. Talk about the similarities your practices have instead of the differences. Practice is a personal thing and we have find comfort in that. So maybe get a dialog with your wife about what is meaningful to her from her practice and then you of course explain to her what is meaning for you in yours. I have found over the years that sharing these experiences helps others understand ... they may not agree with your practice, but if they see how it impacts your life in a positive way, they become more open to it. =)

Hope this helps.

Gassho
Shingen

Sat/LAH

[Shugen]

I would add, especially at first, to be discrete. Try and be as unobtrusive with your practice as you can. Don’t go out and buy that life sized Buddha statue just yet! [emoji6] Let your partner get used to things. As time goes by, and she sees exactly what it is you are doing, hopefully a level of comfort will appear.

Gassho,

Shugen

Sattoday/LAH


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[Tai Shi]

My situation is a bit different. I consider myself a Christian mystic, like Thomas Merton, practicing both Christianity and Zen Buddhism. My wife in no way is resistant to my my Buddhism, specifically Zen, and in fact, sewed my Rakusu cover for me, and lovingly drove me 200 miles in busy traffic so that I could practice Zazenkai in Omaha and even paid for a very nice motel suit so that Kyousui and I could sit quietly together the night before our Zazenkai, while she, door closed, in the other room, read her novel, and took the opportunity to meet Jundo, Matt, and Kyousui. When I appeared to be moving toward Christianity she became angry though I tryed to explain what I was trying to undertake. She says this, "Don't push your Christianity on me, and in fact, don't talk of it at all!" I suspect something horrid happened to my wife in the Catholic church, or at home growing up as Catholic. She might have, who knows. I may have to give up my attempts. Depending what the minister of this Methodist church tells me this week, I may give up my attempt at Peaceful amalgamation because I love her so much...
Gassho
Taishi
sattoday/lah

[Jishin]

I think step one is to know what a Buddhist is. The rest is a piece of cake

https://youtu.be/ZVGDzne7cRQ

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

[Washin]

I have not experienced this with a family or friends either however, once, a couple of years ago I happened to be a co-traveler in an overnight train with an elderly lady who turned out to be a Christian theologist of Russian Orthodox church.
We spent a half night talking and debating on similarities and differences of the Traditions and if one can be a Christian and practice Zen. The lady kept stating it's practically impossible since the Orthodox church is said to be strictly against the practice of meditation. Eventually we agreed to disagree and each moved on in own direction.
Since that occasion I realized that a lot of very traditional believers have extremely fixed views that can't be changed in a click.

There's a nice book named "Zen for Christians" by Kim Boykin that I enjoyed very much and which might be of help here.

Gassho
Washin
sat/lah

[lorax]

Hi Brad
From my experience you just do not want to be evangelistic about your practice. I am married to the daughter of a Methodist preacher, she was born and raised in Jalapa Mexico in the late 40's Big stretch for her to understand the Buddhist practice of her husband! I have been practicing for about twelve years, ten of those with this Sangha. What I have found just practice, while your family may not understand the nuances of your practice, they will note the changes in you as you mature in your practice. Maria laughs and says, just go sit when I am getting up tight, she also years ago bought me my zafu and zabutan. I respect her practice, she has come to respect mine. Takes time. BTW when I said don't become evangelistic. A few years ago some Jehovah Witness came to the door and asked me if they could talk to me about Jesus. I said OK, as long as you then let me talk about the Buddha. They turned and left and I have not come back even though I see them in the neighborhood. Its your practice, share only if asked I think the message is....

Peace

SAT TODAY

[Ryushi]

Jishin-

That video! Truly, zen humor.

Brad-

I grew up in an evangelical Christian home. It wasn't uncommon to hear Buddhism described as a cult and the Buddha disparaged from the pulpit as "a false god."

When I began to explore Zen, I was excited about the new way I was learning to think about the world. I naturally wanted to share this with my parents, but I was wary about how they might respond. As Shugen suggests, I was tentative and discrete about how I told them about this change in my life. I did not want to offend them or make them angry with what I was doing.

I have been very fortunate to find my dad is much more curious about Buddhism than I'd expected. He is even open to the idea that you can be both a Buddhist and a Christian as the same time. (My mom is quietly upset that I've turned my back on my upbringing.) We are able to have conversations about Zen, but these are nonetheless tinged with loss or a sense of failure as parents. Like you, I'm still a relative newcomer to Zen and am trying to apply my new understanding to this relationship with my parents.

So, I don't have a straightforward answer. But I am not sure just explaining that "they're not that different" or otherwise defending Buddhism is likely to work on its own. Perhaps asking more questions about your wife's beliefs - both about Christianity and Buddhism - will open a path to understanding?

Sat today.

[Anka]

I feel religion or practice like zen can only be picked up of a person is ready and open for it. Pushing it on someone, even lightly almost never goes well. By adopting the religion or practice we are sometimes radically changing our world views and way of thinking. This can only be done when someone is ready for it.

James F
Sat

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[Rich]

You don't have to say anything. Just sit. If someone asks a question the answer will appear.

SAT today / lah

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[Kyoshin]

Hi Brad,
I don't know the best way to approach your wife, but I do know of a couple of resources that might help. Luckily the way of Buddha and the way of Christ are not as dissimilar as they seem. Thomas Merton, the famous Catholic monk was very enthusiastic about Buddhism and Zen, and his later writings sound awfully similar to some of our favorite Zen authors. There's a great book called Christian Zen, by William Johnston, a Catholic priest writing about how Zen Buddhism deepened his Christian faith. Thich Nhat Hanh has a nice little book called living Buddha, Living Christ. I don't remember where, but Ive even seen a video lecture by Joseph Cambell comparing the stories of Buddha and Jesus and explaining how remarkably similar they are. Stephen Batchelor's work Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist might have some insight, as it deals with the opposite side of your wife's coin, namely people suspicious of Buddhism because they object to any religion at all. Someone better studied than I on doctrine will have to confirm, but I think the Buddha himself taught that one should continue to practice one's home religion while following the Dharma. I'm definitely with those who contend that Buddhism and Christian aren't incompatible.
You might be able to kind of meet her her halfway with practice. Christian monks and nuns have been practicing forms of meditation very similar to zazen for 1500 years, they just never really caught on with the laity. They call it contemplative prayer, and it's becoming more popular in the mainstream, especially with young Christians. I went to a multi denomination Christian contemplative prayer group one time at an Episcopal Church, and was surprised to discover that it was basically zazen with the Our Father in place of the heart sutra. Perhaps undertaking contemplative prayer together would be helpful, as it would introduce her to something very similar to your Zen practice in a context she's comfortable with. Having a tangible link could open the door to being more able to accept the buddhist context. I hope you find some of that helpful.
Gassho,
Nick
Satlah


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[Getchi]

Sit.

Let time pass.

Trust builds.

Understanding, then acceptance.

Good Luck.


Gassho,
Geoff.

SatToday.
LaH.

[Jakuden]

I reread your post several times, feeling something was missing. Then I realized that I wanted to know what the source of your wife's resistance is, because it's tough to know how to help without understanding this. Perhaps the opportunity here is not so much in conveying to her why you practice, but in listening to exactly why it makes her uncomfortable. Can you practice fully with her feelings and allow them their right to be present? Can you embrace them and wish her to feel safe, as we practice in the Metta chant? Sometimes we just want our fears to be heard and acknowledged instead of having them dismissed or having someone try to reason us out of them.

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH

[Jundo]

Some very wise advise from the folks here.

I will just put my usual comment when this comes up (and it does from time to time, you are not alone) ...

Many folks here are dealing with relatives or friends and our childhood religions, and folks who might not understand. Here is an example of such discussion awhile back ...

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?11054-How-to-respond-to-family-who-is-critical-of-Buddhism

It is an important topic that many folks deal with. My general rule of thumb is ...

I usually suggest to our Sangha members that they do not try to persuade anyone of the "Rightness of Zen Buddhism" or the like. On the other hand, if someone asks ... just speak about what this Way is in one's own life, and answer their questions as best one can. Do not force or lure anyone to a Zen sitting ... but, on the other hand, bring them if they express an interest.

Also, do not try to convince friends or relatives about Buddhist Practice. Instead, I suggest you just be with them as a good, caring, gentle friend or relative ... son or daughter, spouse or parent ... and they will get the point. In fact, if they see a change in you from before ... if they see that you have, in fact, become a more caring, gentle, whole, content person than who they knew before ...

... they will get the message more than anything that can be said in words.

Even go to church with them from time to time if it makes your mom or dad or spouse or sister happy! Sing all the Christmas Carols.

I also say that being a Buddhist does not mean that one need "not believe in God". We have many Christians practicing here for example, such as Fr. Kyrillos. Also, my Dharma Brother and Lutheran Priest Gustav recently came to visit.

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?11052-Our-SPECIAL-ZAZENKAI-TALK-with-GUSTAV-ERICSSON&highlight=lutheran+gustav

One can Practice Zen as a Atheist, Christian, Agnostic, Dog, Mountain or none of the above. I often say that I, personally, do not "believe in God" but neither do I "not believe in God". As I sometimes write:

If there is a "God" ... whether in the Judeo-Christian way or some other, whether named "Allah" "Jehovah" "Thor" "Brahma" or "Stanley" ... I will fetch water and chop wood, seeking to live in a gentle way, avoiding harm to self and others (not two, by the way).

If there is no "God" "Allah" or "Stanley", or any source or creator or point to the universe at all, I will fetch water and chop wood, seeking to live in a gentle way, avoiding harm to self and others (not two, by the way).

I do not know if, in the next life, that "gentle way, avoiding harm" will buy me a ticket to heaven and keep me out of hell ... but I know for a fact that it will go far to do so in this life, today, where I see people create all manner of "heavens and hells" for themselves and those around them by their harmful words, thoughts and acts in this life.

And if there is a "heaven and hell" in the next life, or other effects of Karma now ... well, my actions now have effects then too, and might be the ticket to heaven or good rebirth.

In other words, whatever the case ... today, now ... live in a gentle way, avoiding harm to self and others (not two, by the way) ... seeking to avoid harm now and in the future too.

Make your mom happy. She is your mom. Let is know what happens.

Same for a spouse.

Gassho, J

SatTodayLAH

[BadChemEng]

Thank you everyone. Wise advice and I think things will progress at the pace they are meant to.

Gassho,
Brad

LsAtH