Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

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  • Yugen
    • Nov 2024

    Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

    I wanted to start and write a post telling you that I would be gone for a few days as my wife is going to have surgery and we will be out of town in an an urban area that offers specialist care not available here in midcoast Maine. Sort of an "out of office" autoreply post if you will...

    Then I decided as I read today's posts and see the honesty and vulnerability that people have taken the risk to share with all of us, I decided to challenge my "observe from a distance" attitude that I sometimes confuse with Uchiyama's "observing the scenery of life"... and write to you with what is really going on.

    My wife is having knee replacement surgery Tuesday morning. Knee replacement surgery is almost routine stuff for folks these days, I know, but at a personal level it is significant. Tam (my wife) is thirty-eight years old, hardly a replacement candidate, but has the left knee of an osteoarthritic eighty-year-old (her doctor's words) due to an injury which ended her performance career in ballet. She has endured bone-on-bone pain cheerfully for years, carrying, chasing, and raising three boys. In the course of the bloodwork and prep for her surgery (a whole other story), it was discovered (completely unanticipated and a surprise) that she may have cancer of the uterus.

    She is nervous about her surgery, and on top of that has the concern and fear related to the potential follow-up diagnosis. It also explains the many symptoms which we had both written off to fatigue and stress. When she is ambulatory following the first surgery, she will have a biopsy and follow-up testing in eight-ten days.

    As my wife sits on the couch knitting and reading quietly, I notice that I am the one who has been all emotions the last week. I am moved to tears constantly, and often just stare at the woman who has shared her life with me for almost twenty years. And I have noticed something. I am so afraid of losing this person, and of the pain she may potentially experience, that I wish I could take it all and absorb it into my body. Such a fine person should not suffer such pain and anxiety. But such is life - the first of the four noble truths.

    When we were dating, Tam shared with me the books she had read in childhood. One of them was The Velveteen Rabbit - and I today have noticed another thing - that as we both grow creaky and frayed around the edges, that my wife has become real to me - I have stopped seeing her, and fantasizing about her - as the twenty-year old French ballerina I fell in love with - more or less an object to be admired and physically pursued - and instead accept her and love her as a human being, with her beauty, her pain, her grace, and her fear. Once upon a time her fear and anxiety would make me uncomfortable and I would "clam up" or become emotionally unavailable... and I am still challenged by this. But today, I will sit with the fear and the pain because this is what is today, and I will sit for the sake of sitting and I will sit for my wife and all those who are suffering. I have never felt closer to her or more in love with her.

    My wife is tentative and afraid to share all her fears and anxieties with me, as she does not want to overwhelm herself, and because my reaction in our relationship to her expressions of pain and fear have not always been consistent, kind, or compassionate. Part of my Buddhist practice has been to develop and practice compassion for other sentient beings (and myself as well).

    I don't think Tam would appreciate the comparison to the Velveteen Rabbit. She is a proud and beautiful woman. And she, like many of us, is insecure. Ballerinas I have found in particular, terminally so. I would like to find a way to show her that, with the pain, and the scars, and the fear, I have never found her more authentic, more beautiful, more human than ever before in our relationship. And for the first time I am desperately afraid of losing her. Chuang Tzu has a bit to say about the transformation of human form through age and illness, and we are counseled not to cling to gain or loss. But right now i would rather follow the zen adage "when I am happy I laugh - when I am sad I cry."

    I apologize for sharing such personal thoughts with you. I wanted to share this event because it is part of my life and my practice as much as it hurts. I am going to sit with this tonight. And I will be thinking of you all during the week.

    Gassho,
    Alex
  • will
    Member
    • Jun 2007
    • 2331

    #2
    Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

    Thank you for the post Alex.

    Gassho Will
    [size=85:z6oilzbt]
    To save all sentient beings, though beings are numberless.
    To penetrate reality, though reality is boundless.
    To transform all delusion, though delusions are immeasurable.
    To attain the enlightened way, a way non-attainable.
    [/size:z6oilzbt]

    Comment

    • Keishin
      Member
      • Jun 2007
      • 471

      #3
      Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

      Hello Alex:
      I certainly will keep you, your wife and family in my thoughts. Having had 5 surgeries in the last 3 years I can tell you the body is amazing.
      Even with it's hitches and glitches. A book for chronic pain I can recommend: Breakthrough Pain by Shinzen Young (Insight Meditation teacher--his teacher is Joshu Sasaki Roshi (Rinzai I believe). (I forget, but there may be other recommendations way way back in blog archives here related to the topic of pain).
      I wish for Tam a speedy and full recovery.
      After my gall bladder was removed (at age 55) I realized that back in the day I would most likely have died from gall bladder disease or complications from it. That makes all this time now icing. I've already had my cake.

      Comment

      • Eika
        Member
        • Sep 2007
        • 806

        #4
        Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

        Hi Alex,

        Sounds like you all have a wonderful marriage.

        I am terribly sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis, but so many things are now possible with cancer treatments. My wife had a particularly nasty form of leukemia when she was just 30. Here we are 8 years later with 3 great kids and she has been in a stable remission for 7 years. Try to stay positive (but I know the fear can nearly eat you alive), and try to find someone you can talk to about this stuff so that it doesn't fester . . .

        I will keep your family in my thoughts.

        Gassho,
        Bill
        [size=150:m8cet5u6]??[/size:m8cet5u6] We are involved in a life that passes understanding and our highest business is our daily life---John Cage

        Comment

        • Jundo
          Treeleaf Founder and Priest
          • Apr 2006
          • 40270

          #5
          Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

          Thank you, Alex. Our loving thoughts to you and your wife.

          Please do share with us, when you feel it right, the course of the surgery and healing. It is at the most difficult times that we may discover the most important truths.

          Gassho, Jundo
          ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

          Comment

          • Chris H
            Member
            • Feb 2008
            • 41

            #6
            Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

            Thank you Alex. I'm not sure how to express it but your post meant a lot to me. I sense the richness of your life and admire it. My thoughts are with you and your wife.

            Gassho,
            Chris

            Comment

            • Charles
              Member
              • Feb 2008
              • 95

              #7
              Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

              Alex,

              Thank you for posting this. I hope everything goes well, both with this surgery and in the future.



              Originally posted by alex
              I would like to find a way to show her that, with the pain, and the scars, and the fear, I have never found her more authentic, more beautiful, more human than ever before in our relationship.
              I think I know what you mean. This year I've had several health scares with my fiance, including an illness -- meningitis -- that, at the time, I feared would kill her or leave her permanently disabled. (Thankfully that did not happen.) For what it's worth -- during her illness I felt a similar need, and what worked for me, was just saying it, exactly like I was feeling it. Just telling her, completely honestly, how I saw her and felt about her, and what her illness had allowed me to see, how it had matured me and my relationship to her. And it was a good thing. She understood. So, if you don't come up with another way, you might consider just saying it.

              All the best,

              --Charles

              Comment

              • Stephanie

                #8
                Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

                A beautiful post. I too love The Velveteen Rabbit and especially the part about how a stuffed animal becomes Real. Gets me every time. Best wishes and hopes for your wife's recovery. The depth of the love you all share is a rare and wondrous thing and you are lucky, because that will buoy you both through whatever happens. I hope that whatever does, your wife will continue to feel comfortable coming to you in her vulnerability and that you will continue to feel able to come to us in yours. That takes a lot of bravery.

                A reverent gassho to you--

                Comment

                • Dainin
                  Member
                  • Sep 2007
                  • 389

                  #9
                  Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

                  Alex,

                  Thank you for sharing your post. Your love shines through. I wish Tam, you, and your children all the best during this time. My thoughts are also with you.

                  Keith

                  Comment

                  • Damian
                    Member
                    • Jan 2008
                    • 84

                    #10
                    Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

                    I am hopeful for a speedy recovery . My thoughts are with you and your family.

                    Gassho,
                    Damian

                    Comment

                    • MikeBr
                      Member
                      • May 2008
                      • 18

                      #11
                      Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

                      Alex,

                      You say:

                      "I am so afraid of losing this person, and of the pain she may potentially experience, that I wish I could take it all and absorb it into my body."

                      That noble self-sacrifice could deprive her of you. Would she want you to do that?

                      There is another way of helping, profound and more safe. But it comes from another tradition, so I don't know whether I'm allowed to post it here, or whether - if allowed - it would incur disapproval from the wiser and more experienced.

                      In following this other way, you should first ground yourself totally, and remain so.

                      But, anyway, here goes:

                      http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php

                      Gassho

                      Mike

                      Comment

                      • Shohei
                        Member
                        • Oct 2007
                        • 2854

                        #12
                        Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

                        Thank you for sharing that - my best thoughts are with you and your family.

                        Gassho
                        Dirk

                        Comment

                        • lindabeekeeper
                          Member
                          • Jan 2008
                          • 162

                          #13
                          Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

                          Alex,

                          The love that you have with your wife is truly beautiful. You both will be in my thoughts. Tonglen (the practice that Mike referred to) is a nice practice. But it sounds like you are naturally doing the essence of it. Be sure to take care of yourself during this hard time so you can be there for your wife. It is easy to burn out in circumstances like this.

                          Take care and Gassho,

                          Linda

                          Comment

                          • Longdog
                            Member
                            • Nov 2007
                            • 448

                            #14
                            Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

                            No apologies needed Alex.

                            I was very moved by your post and hope things run so much smoother than you fear.

                            In gassho. Kev
                            [url:x8wstd0h]http://moder-dye.blogspot.com/[/url:x8wstd0h]

                            Comment

                            • FeMonky
                              Member
                              • May 2007
                              • 50

                              #15
                              Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

                              Alex,
                              Thank you for sharing.
                              Keep us posted. You two will stay in our thoughts.
                              I have fond memories of my mother reading me the velveteen rabbit. such a great story. I may have to dig out my old copy and re-read that during my down time this week!

                              gassho,
                              xander

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