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Hello everyone!
Chapter 16 discusses “communicating with care” – an in-depth review of what the Buddha means by “right speech” when it comes to living with chronic illness. This chapter kind of held a mirror to my face, as I am guilty of doing much of what Toni warns against in this chapter; however, some of it I had also become more aware of in recent months and I have been trying to improve my communications. So, good timing!
This topic is essential because, when we practice communicating with care, we are better able to nurture more symbiotic relationships and fewer “one-way” conversations.
It has been said many times that, in conversations, we do listen to respond, not to understand. In other words, when we ‘listen’, we’re really thinking of what we want to say to the person, and not focusing and receiving the words the person is actually saying.
Toni opens this with the Buddha’s admonishment on ‘right speech’ being comprised of five qualities.
[I]Right speech is:
1) Truthful
2) Spoken with good will (intent)
3) Spoken beneficially (in a good manner)
4) Spoken affectionately (with kindness)
5) Spoken at the right time[/I]
Toni then explains that Right Speech is generally shortened to one sentence:
“Speak only when what you have to say is true, kind, and helpful.”
I nearly always fall short of this rule. (My mouth usually opens before my brain engages.)
Quoting the Zen poet Ryokan, Toni segues the precept into both a question and a practice, asking “how can we forgive ourselves when we fall short” by using the gentle phrase of “Take care not to ….”
What can I take care not to do, in order to practice Right Speech?
She gives some examples of this intention which, sadly, hit me between the eyes. Why haven’t I heard back from so-and-so in a certain amount of time? Why hasn’t this person called? I should invite that person over for lunch, I’m sure they’ll want to know all about how we (I) are doing. The person emails, the friend calls, the person visits for lunch …. How do I respond? Without practicing conscious intention and reflecting on Right Speech, I fall into old habits – thinking on my response, my interests instead of focusing on their words, their intentions, and the conversation flips to my health and my concerns.
How to change the narrative of speech without speech itself becoming the focus of intent? Toni makes the following suggestion to transition our focus without making our illness the focus: to replace the intention to confront with the intention to inquire, so the communication can be kind and helpful – ask how they are doing, how are things, and let the question be the question, simply listen. Then we may learn what has been happening in our friend’s or loved one’s life (celebrations, illness, life changes, etc.), instead of immediately jumping to our own issues and daily focus.
The danger we face in living with chronic illness, is that it becomes not only our sole focus, but that we can start to assume that it’s everyone else’s only interest also. We can start to believe that others are also interested in every detail, every appointment, every minute change we experience, medications, symptoms, diets, and new developments. I tend to get so caught up in medical issues and frustrations, that sometimes it becomes my only focus and I often forget that others have their own lives, joys, concerns, and activities, and aren’t simply repositories for my daily living with illness.
Questions –
-- There weren’t specific questions in this chapter, but do you find it easy to talk with loved ones and friends apart from your health concerns, or is it a challenge for you to maintain right communications that don’t always involve your illness?
-- Do you find Toni’s suggestions for practicing Right Speech helpful? Have you used them before? Do you have other practices for Right Speech that are helpful in your practice?
-- As caregivers, do these practices help you? Are there other versions that work better? Do you find that your challenges are the same, or do you have communication needs that are not being met in this version of the Precept? What suggestions or questions do you have about communication as caregivers?
-- Has your communication improved or changed since your illness? What advice would you give to someone who is just starting their journey with chronic illness or disability? Is there advice you wish someone would have given you?
gassho, meian st lh
__________________________________________________
Hello everyone!
Chapter 16 discusses “communicating with care” – an in-depth review of what the Buddha means by “right speech” when it comes to living with chronic illness. This chapter kind of held a mirror to my face, as I am guilty of doing much of what Toni warns against in this chapter; however, some of it I had also become more aware of in recent months and I have been trying to improve my communications. So, good timing!
This topic is essential because, when we practice communicating with care, we are better able to nurture more symbiotic relationships and fewer “one-way” conversations.
It has been said many times that, in conversations, we do listen to respond, not to understand. In other words, when we ‘listen’, we’re really thinking of what we want to say to the person, and not focusing and receiving the words the person is actually saying.
Toni opens this with the Buddha’s admonishment on ‘right speech’ being comprised of five qualities.
[I]Right speech is:
1) Truthful
2) Spoken with good will (intent)
3) Spoken beneficially (in a good manner)
4) Spoken affectionately (with kindness)
5) Spoken at the right time[/I]
Toni then explains that Right Speech is generally shortened to one sentence:
“Speak only when what you have to say is true, kind, and helpful.”
I nearly always fall short of this rule. (My mouth usually opens before my brain engages.)
Quoting the Zen poet Ryokan, Toni segues the precept into both a question and a practice, asking “how can we forgive ourselves when we fall short” by using the gentle phrase of “Take care not to ….”
What can I take care not to do, in order to practice Right Speech?
She gives some examples of this intention which, sadly, hit me between the eyes. Why haven’t I heard back from so-and-so in a certain amount of time? Why hasn’t this person called? I should invite that person over for lunch, I’m sure they’ll want to know all about how we (I) are doing. The person emails, the friend calls, the person visits for lunch …. How do I respond? Without practicing conscious intention and reflecting on Right Speech, I fall into old habits – thinking on my response, my interests instead of focusing on their words, their intentions, and the conversation flips to my health and my concerns.
How to change the narrative of speech without speech itself becoming the focus of intent? Toni makes the following suggestion to transition our focus without making our illness the focus: to replace the intention to confront with the intention to inquire, so the communication can be kind and helpful – ask how they are doing, how are things, and let the question be the question, simply listen. Then we may learn what has been happening in our friend’s or loved one’s life (celebrations, illness, life changes, etc.), instead of immediately jumping to our own issues and daily focus.
The danger we face in living with chronic illness, is that it becomes not only our sole focus, but that we can start to assume that it’s everyone else’s only interest also. We can start to believe that others are also interested in every detail, every appointment, every minute change we experience, medications, symptoms, diets, and new developments. I tend to get so caught up in medical issues and frustrations, that sometimes it becomes my only focus and I often forget that others have their own lives, joys, concerns, and activities, and aren’t simply repositories for my daily living with illness.
Questions –
-- There weren’t specific questions in this chapter, but do you find it easy to talk with loved ones and friends apart from your health concerns, or is it a challenge for you to maintain right communications that don’t always involve your illness?
-- Do you find Toni’s suggestions for practicing Right Speech helpful? Have you used them before? Do you have other practices for Right Speech that are helpful in your practice?
-- As caregivers, do these practices help you? Are there other versions that work better? Do you find that your challenges are the same, or do you have communication needs that are not being met in this version of the Precept? What suggestions or questions do you have about communication as caregivers?
-- Has your communication improved or changed since your illness? What advice would you give to someone who is just starting their journey with chronic illness or disability? Is there advice you wish someone would have given you?
gassho, meian st lh
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