How to be Sick - Chapter 6

[Kokuu]

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In chapter 6, Toni begins talking about The Four Immeasurables or Brahmaviharas (divine abodes) – loving kindness (metta), sympathetic joy (mudita), compassion (karuna) and equanimity (upekkha). This chapter looks at sympathetic/empathetic joy, with the other three talked about in the next three.

I was taught that metta is the basis of all of these four states. When loving kindness meets with joy, it becomes sympathetic joy. When it meets suffering, it becomes compassion. When applied to all of our experience, it accepts each one in turn as equanimity.

When we are sick, or caring for others, it can be hard to watch others, especially those close to us, continue to enjoy activities that we would love to be doing ourselves but are unable to, on a regular or irregular basis. Toni talks about the things that her husband does with their granddaughter, Malia, that she wishes she was a part of. She then also talks about sparking the seeds of sympathetic joy, even when this is not easy, and the fact that can make her feel connected to the event even though she is not part of it.

How difficult have you found it to watch other people do activities that you wish you could do? Does it make you feel more aware of your limitations?

Has lockdown affected this at all, by feeling that others are in the same boat as you, especially if your ability to get out is limited?

Do you find it is possible to have sympathetic joy for the successes and achievements of others that you would like to have?


For the next four weeks we will be suggesting the same practice which is the daily recitation of the metta verses that we use here at Treeleaf to cultivate metta and the other three states. Please let us know how this feels for you:

Take a moment to quiet your mind, and focus your attention on recalling the experience and sensation of living kindness. Try to summon such feelings within, and hold them gently through your sincere reciting of the following. Try smiling gently and mean it. That simple step really does something to put us in the right frame of mind.

You will then begin by offering metta to yourself. If distracting thoughts arise, acknowledge them, let them pass, and return to your metta practice from there, again and again, just as in shikantaza. While reciting, try to maintain the experience and sensation of loving kindness to the beings mentioned. Note that the word ‘suffering’ refers to the Buddhist idea of dukkha.

1. May I be free of suffering; may we feel safe and still.
2. May I be free of enmity; may we be loving, grateful and kind.
3. May I be healthy and at ease in all our ills.
4. May I be at peace, embracing all conditions of life

Next, repeat the chant with a specific close loved one in mind.

1. May he/she/they be free of suffering; may we feel safe and still.
2. May he/she/they be free of enmity; may we be loving, grateful and kind.
3. May he/she/they be healthy and at ease in all our ills.
4. May he/she/they be at peace, embracing all conditions of life

Then, repeat the above in succession for a specific close friend, a specific neutral person (someone you neither like nor dislike), and then a difficult person (no need to start with the most difficult person, but someone whom you have a distaste for ... However, it is a good practice to focus on true enemies or hateful individuals. That is perhaps the most valuable and difficult practice of all).

Close with all beings:

1. May we be free of suffering; may we feel safe and still.
2. May we be free of enmity; may we be loving, grateful and kind.
3. May we be healthy and at ease in all our ills.
4. May we be at peace, embracing all conditions of life

Thank you for all that you have shared so far and continue to share with us and each other.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday-

[Onka]

How difficult have you found it to watch other people do activities that you wish you could do? Does it make you feel more aware of your limitations?

This is something I wrestle with daily, not only watching other people but remembering that I used to be capable of so much more physically, and to be perfectly honest, psychologically as well.
This awareness doesn't sit comfortably with me because I NEED to be able to do so much more when my carer hat goes on.
I can no longer even picture doing a recreational activity and anything social fills me with dread beforehand as I know that both my partner's health challenges and mine will be exacerbated so my answers above refer to performing necessary tasks outside.

Has lockdown affected this at all, by feeling that others are in the same boat as you, especially if your ability to get out is limited?

No. My partner and I are fortunate to be able to live somewhere where we can avoid all contact with others if we choose so have not been affected negatively in any way by Covid19. To the contrary, Covid19 has brought about "Telehealth" in Queensland, Australia so my partner and I get to have many of our regular medical appointments via telephone, skype or the like. I'm not sure if everyone is able to do this here but because we are considered immuno-compromised and living in a rural area it has been tremendous.

Do you find it is possible to have sympathetic joy for the successes and achievements of others that you would like to have?

In all honesty it's a work in progress for me and I've just started work. When Toni talks about essentially faking it at the beginning of this Practice I feel relieved and somewhat soothed because I desperately want to feel genuine sympathetic joy. The battle between Practice and feelings of resentment and self loathing is very real for me but fortunately my broader Practice has been trans formative in my eyes and more importantly in the eyes of my partner.
A work in progress is all I've ever claimed to be and as long as I feel I'm always growing as a person, a partner, and a community member then I'll be forever content with being just that. Perhaps sympathetic joy will evolve from this. I hope so because that's where I feel freedom from much of what ails me lies.

Apologies if this is rather incoherent but spinal pain has a firm grip of my ability to concentrate at the moment.

Gassho
Onka
sat today

[Kenku]

— the practice of not throwing anyone [or anything] out of my heart.

Bernhard, Toni. How to Be Sick (Second Edition): A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers (p. 55). Wisdom Publications. Kindle Edition.

A great summary of the practice.

Gassho,
Kenkū

Sat & lah.

[Shonin Risa Bear]

We are doing the Metta Practice at Bird Haven on Wednesdays 2 pm local time (PDT). Visitors would be very welcome. The zoom room is 449 802 8502 and the password is the one we already know from here.

gassho
ds sat today

[Naiko]

I confess that this has been something I’ve had to work on for years, even before I became ill. Growing up, as I did, in a family that was incredibly toxic and dysfunctional, I could not help but observe my friends’ lives with a mixture of awe, envy, curiosity and resentment. Every day was a fresh lesson in what I didn’t/couldn’t have, but also a lesson in how people should actually treat each other.

A friend once mentioned to me how another friend had said something that deflated her joy when she was celebrating something. That shifted my perspective and from then on I always tried to focus on the person or persons and the feeling of joy instead of the circumstances that caused it. It’s not always easy. Does it count if you can simultaneously hold joy for others and grief for yourself?

I don’t know that becoming ill made this easier or more difficult, to be honest. I do think the pandemic has made suffering with illness so much more visible and a reminder that others suffer (or feel joy) with us in every moment. The isolation has been hard, but I almost feel guilty for being relieved and happy to work from home.
Gassho,
Naiko
stlah

[Inshin]

I confess that this has been something I’ve had to work on for years, even before I became ill. Growing up, as I did, in a family that was incredibly toxic and dysfunctional, I could not help but observe my friends’ lives with a mixture of awe, envy, curiosity and resentment. Every day was a fresh lesson in what I didn’t/couldn’t have, but also a lesson in how people should actually treat each other.

A friend once mentioned to me how another friend had said something that deflated her joy when she was celebrating something. That shifted my perspective and from then on I always tried to focus on the person or persons and the feeling of joy instead of the circumstances that caused it. It’s not always easy. Does it count if you can simultaneously hold joy for others and grief for yourself?

I don’t know that becoming ill made this easier or more difficult, to be honest. I do think the pandemic has made suffering with illness so much more visible and a reminder that others suffer (or feel joy) with us in every moment. The isolation has been hard, but I almost feel guilty for being relieved and happy to work from home.
Gassho,
Naiko
stlah

Does it count if you can simultaneously hold joy for others and grief for yourself?

I think it does matter.
I sense that our practice is partly about being able at some point to hold the suffering of the world simultaneously with all encompassing unconditional love/compassion.
I can relate with your experience so much.
It took me some time too to make space for joy alongside the grief/envy.

A sight of relief after watching last episode of Oprah, that I wasn't born royal.

Gassho
Sat

[Kenku]

My husband broke a garden statue today because I couldn't help him move it. I don't know what I feel about it. There are emotions bubbling away just below the surface. I haven't gone out to look at it. Somehow just writing this has made me feel better.

Gassho,
Kenkū.

Sat & lah.

PS: Some days I find it hard to write "LAH". This morning my husband made me breakfast then set up the dialysis machine. Drove me to the hospital to do cannulation (we're having problems at the moment so we need the help of the nurse and the portable ultrasound machine), then back home with the needles in my arm, connect to the machine and then he brings me tea and lunch while I just sit there, sometimes meditating, sometimes watching YouTube. But I figure "sat today & lah" means Zazen + precepts i.e. our practice. So for me, some days, just being gentle, saying thanks, is my lah.

[Koushi]

How difficult have you found it to watch other people do activities that you wish you could do? Does it make you feel more aware of your limitations?
Given that most of the activities that I'm unable to do are due to mental conditions, I'm very much more aware of my limitations. Eg; being unable to fly on a plane and travel to see family, loved ones, or experience new places. While others consider it just another day, the idea of being able to go somewhere more than a few minutes from home base is alien to me. It hurts, especially when these conditions and limitations are the cause of not seeing friends, family, or the ending of romantic relationships.

Has lockdown affected this at all, by feeling that others are in the same boat as you, especially if your ability to get out is limited?
I feel empathetic and compassion towards those who are having a hard time with lockdown and quarantine, as I've lived a "lockdown" style lifestyle for the better part of a decade now. It's not an easy thing, especially if you're someone who is used to going out a lot, traveling, or being social. On the flip side, it has also brought up intense irritation at those who skirt lockdown and travel without precaution due to boredom or just a want to get out — not putting the thought of other's health in mind. Still, while I feel a little less pressure on myself since everyone is in the same boat, now that vaccines are rolling out and there's light at the end of the tunnel Covid-wise I'm beginning to feel that pressure of being "alone" with it all again.

Do you find it is possible to have sympathetic joy for the successes and achievements of others that you would like to have?
I find it easier to extend sympathetic joy towards friends and family for those achieving what I wish I could than it is to extend the same feelings towards myself when going out further than a day prior, or having mild successes with a project or endeavor. I've learned that people are immensely effected by others reactions to their achievements — and even the subtlest of envious remark or self-pity shines through like a diamond in shit while they're celebrating — so I try to be as mindful and supportive as possible when others achieve something they've worked towards. Even if it's something I've wanted to do myself for a long time.

Gassho,
Koushi
STLah

[Kokuu]

We are doing the Metta Practice at Bird Haven on Wednesdays 2 pm local time (PDT). Visitors would be very welcome. The zoom room is 449 802 8502 and the password is the one we already know from here.

Thank you, Shōnin!

I have thought about asking Jundo about alternating tonglen with metta practice here but people seem to like the tonglen.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday-

[Kokuu]

In all honesty it's a work in progress for me and I've just started work. When Toni talks about essentially faking it at the beginning of this Practice I feel relieved and somewhat soothed because I desperately want to feel genuine sympathetic joy.

I confess that this has been something I’ve had to work on for years, even before I became ill. Growing up, as I did, in a family that was incredibly toxic and dysfunctional, I could not help but observe my friends’ lives with a mixture of awe, envy, curiosity and resentment. Every day was a fresh lesson in what I didn’t/couldn’t have, but also a lesson in how people should actually treat each other.

I think that whatever background we come from, there is always going to be challenges to this practice, whether it is in finding metta for ourselves, particular family members, sympathetic joy for those whom we envy and so forth.

I really don't think it is something we can fall into at once and feel pure metta or mudita. More, as Naiko asks, it is often a process of feeling more than one emotion at once. Although the aim of the practice is to generate some degree of metta or sympathetic joy, we are not trying to exclude any other feeling. Feeling love for others can com with grief for yourself or sadness, frustration, anger or a million and one* other emotions.

The practice is the practice and we do it as best we can at the time, sometimes opening our hearts a little more, sometimes noticing some degree of reticence or closing off. The importance is to take time and show up for it.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday-

[Kokuu]

Some days I find it hard to write "LAH". This morning my husband made me breakfast then set up the dialysis machine. Drove me to the hospital to do cannulation (we're having problems at the moment so we need the help of the nurse and the portable ultrasound machine), then back home with the needles in my arm, connect to the machine and then he brings me tea and lunch while I just sit there, sometimes meditating, sometimes watching YouTube. But I figure "sat today & lah" means Zazen + precepts i.e. our practice. So for me, some days, just being gentle, saying thanks, is my lah.

I like this, Kenku, and rarely put LAH myself for the same reason as it feels like people have done more for me than I have for them! But the way you put it mkes me want to write it now!

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Kokuu]

I find it easier to extend sympathetic joy towards friends and family for those achieving what I wish I could than it is to extend the same feelings towards myself when going out further than a day prior, or having mild successes with a project or endeavor. I've learned that people are immensely effected by others reactions to their achievements — and even the subtlest of envious remark or self-pity shines through like a diamond in shit while they're celebrating — so I try to be as mindful and supportive as possible when others achieve something they've worked towards. Even if it's something I've wanted to do myself for a long time.

Hi Koushi

I think that many people struggle with the sending metta to the self part of the practice, which I guess is why it is so important to include it. As I like to tell people - you are one of the 'all sentient beings' that you have vowed to save!

And, yes, your reaction echoes the earlier one of Naiko. Even if we cannot be genuinely happy for people, and I still have moments like this, it is nice at least if we can at least offer a half-meant congratulation, or the very least refrain from potentially spoiling their joy.

My feeling about these practices is not just that they help us to generate feelings of metta and the other Brahma-Viharas, they also allow us to see the particularly areas where we struggle with these.

Gassho
Kokuu