ARTS: Your Haiku!

[Jishin]

Hi Jishin!

I like this too! I have always been told I tend to be too wordy! Perhaps something to think about haha.

Gassho,

Junkyo
Sat

Sent from my SM-G955W using Tapatalk

I Ike brevity. All dogmas fall over time. Haikus are no exception. A haiku is what you say it is. But that’s just me.

[emoji2]

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

[Shinshi]

hawks on the wing
in a spring breeze
old leaves stir and dance

[Kokuu]

I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.

rain
winds
northern spring

Yes, this works too. Brevity is punchy but it doesn't mean it is always best.

I generally write and then strip out anything unnecessary but it is a matter of opinion what is necessary and what is unnecessary.

[Kokuu]

I like:

Thunder

Or

Sunrise

The problem here is that there is no dynamic tension as there is between two parts of a good haiku.

It is great to consider the impact and meaning of a single word but it isn't really a haiku. 'tundra' on a blank page works because of the interplay between the word and the space. Thunder and sunrise do not do that.

I would put into the category of fun to play with as are single colour canvasses, but paling with repetition.

[Kokuu]

plum blossoms in spring
dancing leafs drop in autumn wind
the geese move to the south

This might be a little wordy, Hishiryo.

Firstly, you don't need spring in addition to plum blossom as that already sets the season as spring.

Also, a haiku is generally set in one moment in time and place, so usually one season. There are exceptions though.

Putting this in autumn it would be best just with the last part:

leaves dance
on the wind
departing geese

[Kokuu]

hawks on the wing
in a spring breeze
old leaves stir and dance

I really like the idea! Maybe a bit briefer and make the connection clear?

hawk on the wing
last year's leaves
live again

[Horin]

This might be a little wordy, Hishiryo.

Firstly, you don't need spring in addition to plum blossom as that already sets the season as spring.

Also, a haiku is generally set in one moment in time and place, so usually one season. There are exceptions though.

Putting this in autumn it would be best just with the last part:

leaves dance
on the wind
departing geese

Thank you for that response, Kokuu - i understand :-)

Gassho,
Ben

St

[Jishin]

The problem here is that there is no dynamic tension as there is between two parts of a good haiku.

It is great to consider the impact and meaning of a single word but it isn't really a haiku. 'tundra' on a blank page works because of the interplay between the word and the space. Thunder and sunrise do not do that.

I would put into the category of fun to play with as are single colour canvasses, but paling with repetition.

thunder

This is a great haiku and this is why:

the before and after silence of thunder is not the same.

sleeping silence

thunder

startled awake silence

The silences are very different and provide the tension for a good haiku. "thunder" is the punch line and the second silence with the "aha" moment. Unenlightened vs enlightened silence. There is also mention of season.

Same goes for the next haiku:


Sunrise


There is dark and bright light before and after sunrise. The punchline is "Sunrise" and the "aha" moment is the light that comes afterwards. Another great haiku. There is also mention of time/season.

Creativity is fun and a haiku is a haiku when someone calls it a haiku.

My 2 cents.

Gassho, Jishin, ST

[Shinshi]

I really like the idea! Maybe a bit briefer and make the connection clear?

hawk on the wing
last year's leaves
live again

Thank you for the feedback Kokuu.

Gassho, Shinshi

SaT-LaH

[Mitka]

Off-the-cuff haiku after zazenkai, please be nice .

plodding thoughts
shadow and incense smoke
the watcher watches

Gassho,
Mitka
Sat

[Teiro]

I have not the faintest idea about haikus, but I try it anyway.

red-dressed sun flows
into star-sprinkled night
I sleep

Gassho
Teiro

Sat

[Amelia]

Moonlight cuts rivers
Out of dark slopes on the ground
Bright and stark like ice

Sat today, lah

[Kokuu]

Moonlight cuts rivers
Out of dark slopes on the ground
Bright and stark like ice

Lovely, Geika, but no need to stick to 5-7-5 syllables.

red-dressed sun flows
into star-sprinkled night
I sleep

Sometimes not knowing is the best! Very good effort!

plodding thoughts
shadow and incense smoke
the watcher watches

Is good, Mitka! I wonder if 'rising thoughts' might be even stronger to convey the relationship between the thoughts and incense?

[Kokuu]

The silences are very different and provide the tension for a good haiku. "thunder" is the punch line and the second silence with the "aha" moment. Unenlightened vs enlightened silence. There is also mention of season.

I agree but not sure the reader will get that. However, you could express it...

thunder
the silence before
and after

If haiku were just one word I doubt they would have survived for so long and spread to so many different countries and cultures. We need something more to say what it was about *that* thunder and your reaction to it that makes it different from any other moment of thunder. What was it about *that* particular sunrise.

The interest is in the specificity rather than generality.

Gassho
Kokuu

[Jishin]

thunder
the silence before
and after

This is a very nice Haiku Kokuu. I agree with what you say about Haikus.

Gassho, Jishin, ST