The Battle Within

[Onki]

Hey All,

It has been some time since I posted. A lot has happened and continues to happen in my life. This is a long post. It is also a pretty personal post. In my sharing it with you, I hope that if you are struggling, know that you are never alone. There are people that love you. Help is available.

I am not a mental health professional nor a doctor. I am a Junior Priest trying to figure out life with mental/physical/disability. These are my own personal thoughts.

*Trigger Warning*
Self H*rm, S*icidal Ideation

As many of you know I struggle with mental illness and chronic pain (fibromyalgia). These things do not simply go away as much as I wish they would. There are days where the emotional and physical pain are so immense that I don’t know if I am strong enough to continue.

Lately, there have been two major issues/concerns going on. The first one would be my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Long story short, I’ve been taking a mood stabilizer since June that has been life changing. HOWEVER, the effects are seemingly short lived. Once the medication gets into my system and I start feeling better the medication suddenly stops helping and all of my symptoms rush back. I haven’t been doing well the past few weeks. I know this is a result of my medication needing to be increased. Despite my knowing this logically, the emotions are still like electricity running throughout my body. I have moments where I will “split”, meaning that in my mind people, places, activities, even my own emotions are black or white. Either all good: wonderful, happiness, joyful, or all bad: despair, anger, worthlessness. For the most part, I am able to tell within myself when I am splitting.

Then there are times where I get suicidal. I have suicidal urges/ideations that stay with me. I want to self harm as it once was a way to “release” the painful physical emotions inside of me. There have been a handful of times where I have been very worried about myself in terms of potentially needing to be hospitalized again. It is a scary thought. This is honestly the last place that I want to be, especially right now.

With my illness, I’m very aware that I will need to be hospitalized regularly. My mind will have these thoughts and feelings most likely for the rest of my life. Not necessarily to this degree, but still. I understand and accept this. Things can sometimes get out of control in my mind where I worry about my safety. There are moments where I want to end everything that I have worked so hard for. A lot of the time I ask myself, why am I doing any of this? Why am I going through Priest training? Why do I continue to Practice, host morning Zazen, talk to Sangha members that are struggling as well? Being alive in general?

Would it really matter if I wasn’t here?

I have noticed something. I can help others, listen to them, be a shoulder for them to cry on, and try my best to help give them hope. And yet, I am my own worst critic. In my mind, I am not worth it. Again, I know logically that this is my BPD telling me lies. But when you constantly have voices in your mind telling you that you are nothing, you are worthless, you will never be enough, those voices are difficult not to listen to. It is a never ending battle within my mind. I am constantly reminded from those that love and support me that they do indeed love and support me. I know somewhere inside of me these people do care. It’s just hard.

Mental illness vs Logic, Emotional Intelligence, Hope.

There is also my chronic pain, fibromyalgia. Hello, old “friend”. I have had to stop working because the pain can get ridiculous. I have stopped leaving my house as walking hurts. I’m sure this alone is not helping with my BPD. I have seen so many specialists, done so many tests, tried so many different pain medications, but nothing gives me any lasting relief. Lately, I have been getting injections as well as sub-q medication. This has taken some edge off which I am very grateful for. I still walk with a cane when needed.

Through all of this I am learning to listen to my mind and my body. Really listen to what it needs. What is it trying to tell me. Whether that be rest, gentle movement, a good cry, someone to reach out to and talk with, support, writing, things like this.

When I feel awful, mentally and/or physically it makes doing these simple tasks difficult to impossible. And even still, there are times where I don’t give a * about anything, including myself.

Feeling this way, or any way for that matter, is okay. As long as I am safe. That’s the big key, being safe. Having preventatives put in place when I am feeling well and not when crap is hitting the fan. By then it is already too late. Having a Safety Plan. Letting your loved ones/friends know that “Hey, I’m not doing very well. Could you check in on me? Could we hang out? Grab a coffee?”

I have been constantly monitoring how safe I feel throughout the day, how I’m feeling mentally, how much pain I am in. Trust me, I know when it is time to go to the hospital for inpatient care. I have been close a handful of time this month. But I was able to talk it out before anything could have potentially happened.

Buddhism is about being present, in this moment. This moment is all we have. And really, we don’t even have that because it is already gone! It is about Impermanence, absolutely nothing stays the same. Everything is constantly changing. For so long I have wished to be mentally well, to not have fibro, and to be the guy that I used to be. But I am realizing that this cannot and will not happen. I have been dealt these cards. However, that doesn’t mean that I cannot do things in my own power to accommodate and to help myself when I have the ability to.

Sitting with physical pain is difficult. Sitting with emotional pain, in my opinion is much worse.

Sit with it. Feel it. Breathe. Whatever comes up, comes up. Don’t push it away. Just sit.

I understand how difficult it is. Trust me, I’m going through my own personal hell right now as I write this.

Don’t give up.

Gasshō,

On

*I am not a mental health professional nor a doctor. I am a Junior Priest trying to figure out life with mental/physical illness/disability. These are my own opinions.*

P.S - If you ever want to chat feel free to PM me.

[Benjamin Gieseke]

Thank you for sharing this, Onki! And please know support goes both ways-if there’s anything we can ever do to support you, I know everyone here would be more than willing.

Gassho,
Benjamin
SatLah

[ZenJay]

Thank you for sharing this Onki! I know that you know how grateful I am for your friendship, help, and guidance, but I’m gonna say it again! Thank you for sharing this part of you with us as I know that is no easy task. You have a made a big difference for me and I can’t thank you enough! Here for you anytime my friend!

Gassho,
Jay

Sat/lah today

[Kokuu]

Thank you for sharing, Onki. You have clearly developed a strong awareness of how your body and mind work but even with that, it sounds like things can still be a struggle at times.

That awareness is also your superpower in being able to listen to and support others.

Thank you for your practice

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Anthony]

Thank you so much for sharing, Onki. I think it shows a lot of strength to be able to share this and support others who may have similar issues.

Wishing you some happiness and peace. I hope that we can also support you as a sangha.

Gassho,
Anthony
satlah

[Matt Johnson]

Hi Onki, your post reminds me of a part of my self-study which I often downplay or try to ignore. It's probably because I'm at the latter stages of the questioning phase. I have included a helpful article that I am reading (and I'll have to probably reread a few times) which relates to my identity as neurodivergent (dare I say autistic?).

Initially, I considered my physical disability as essentially eliminating me from being a zen anything. After all, it would seem obvious if you can't sit like a Buddha how can you be a Buddha. But the neurodivergent side is just as important. If I can't think like a Buddha, how can I be a Buddha?

It also has significant implications for my work as a social worker. How can I possibly advise neurotypicals on their life when I can barely understand what they're saying at times. How can I relate if I can't relate? What would it mean to have a Zen teacher who was autistic? How can I be sure that they understand me and what I'm going through if I was neurotypical?

anyway, here's the article:

https://open.substack.com/pub/drdevonprice/p/common-phases-of-accepting-youre?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

_/\_
sat/ah
matt

[Onki]

Hi Onki, your post reminds me of a part of my self-study which I often downplay or try to ignore. It's probably because I'm at the latter stages of the questioning phase. I have included a helpful article that I am reading (and I'll have to probably reread a few times) which relates to my identity as neurodivergent (dare I say autistic?).

Initially, I considered my physical disability as essentially eliminating me from being a zen anything. After all, it would seem obvious if you can't sit like a Buddha how can you be a Buddha. But the neurodivergent side is just as important. If I can't think like a Buddha, how can I be a Buddha?

It also has significant implications for my work as a social worker. How can I possibly advise neurotypicals on their life when I can barely understand what they're saying at times. How can I relate if I can't relate? What would it mean to have a Zen teacher who was autistic? How can I be sure that they understand me and what I'm going through if I was neurotypical?

anyway, here's the article:

https://open.substack.com/pub/drdevonprice/p/common-phases-of-accepting-youre?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

_/\_
sat/ah
matt

Hi Matt,

This is a very good point. As a neurodiverse person I feel that I have at least some understanding of other neurodiverse folks. Granted, everyone is unique despite us falling under the neurodiverse umbrella. For example, the ADHD symptoms that I have may be different from someone that also has ADHD. Just because we have the same diagnosis doesn’t necessarily mean we have the exact same challenges/symptoms.

I feel this is similar with mental illness. Despite having BPD myself, I have read and heard stories from other folks that also have BPD but do not have the exact same symptoms.

In saying this, I do feel that because we share the same “affliction” there is almost a sense of trauma bonding and empathy between us that a neurotypical person wouldn’t fully understand. I’m not saying that neurotypical folks can’t be empathetic, understanding, and loving. Not at all. But when you yourself are wearing the shoes, there is a sense of understanding. Does that make sense?

Gasshō,

On

[Kokuu]

Initially, I considered my physical disability as essentially eliminating me from being a zen anything. After all, it would seem obvious if you can't sit like a Buddha how can you be a Buddha. But the neurodivergent side is just as important. If I can't think like a Buddha, how can I be a Buddha?

It also has significant implications for my work as a social worker. How can I possibly advise neurotypicals on their life when I can barely understand what they're saying at times. How can I relate if I can't relate? What would it mean to have a Zen teacher who was autistic? How can I be sure that they understand me and what I'm going through if I was neurotypical?

My apologies for putting my nose into your area, Onki, but I just wanted to respond to a couple of parts of this.

You may well be thinking differently on this yourself, Matt, but you don't have to be a Zen anything. I don't consider myself to be a Zen anything. As Linji says, "there is a true man with no-rank always present not even a hair's breadth away." Our job is just to practice. The rest takes care of itself.

How does a Buddha think? Buddha nature contains everything and everyone, whether neurodiverse or neurotypical.

We all have some kind of individual perspective on life, whether through our gender, ethnicity, nationality, sexuality, able-bodiness or otherwise, mental health, neurology or whatever. Can any Zen teacher relate to others who are unlike them? Firstly, I would say that there are fundamentals that apply regardless of someone's background and identities. Someone once asked the Dalai Lama how he could relate to all of the many different people who come to him and he said that everyone is the same, they all want to be happy and avoid suffering. On that basis, he can relate to them, regardless of where they are from, or what they are going through.

From a different side, this is also why we need Zen teachers and students with different backgrounds and struggles. My friend Anlor is an autistic priest in Norman Fischer's Everyday Zen community and she can speak to autistic people from a place of knowing. Similarly, Darlene Cohen, connected with Zen students with physical illness and limitations through her own struggles with Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Buddha nature may be universal but each of us expresses it in our own way, and through each moment of our words, thoughts and acts. Having a diversity of backgrounds and experiences brings strength to the dharma, and each of us shines like a jewel through how we practice with our life challenges. There is no requirement here other than to fully express who you are though moment to moment practice.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Matt Johnson]

My apologies for putting my nose into your area, Onki, but I just wanted to respond to a couple of parts of this.

You may well be thinking differently on this yourself, Matt, but you don't have to be a Zen anything. I don't consider myself to be a Zen anything. As Linji says, "there is a true man with no-rank always present not even a hair's breadth away." Our job is just to practice. The rest takes care of itself.

How does a Buddha think? Buddha nature contains everything and everyone, whether neurodiverse or neurotypical.

We all have some kind of individual perspective on life, whether through our gender, ethnicity, nationality, sexuality, able-bodiness or otherwise, mental health, neurology or whatever. Can any Zen teacher relate to others who are unlike them? Firstly, I would say that there are fundamentals that apply regardless of someone's background and identities. Someone once asked the Dalai Lama how he could relate to all of the many different people who come to him and he said that everyone is the same, they all want to be happy and avoid suffering. On that basis, he can relate to them, regardless of where they are from, or what they are going through.

From a different side, this is also why we need Zen teachers and students with different backgrounds and struggles. My friend Anlor is an autistic priest in Norman Fischer's Everyday Zen community and she can speak to autistic people from a place of knowing. Similarly, Darlene Cohen, connected with Zen students with physical illness and limitations through her own struggles with Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Buddha nature may be universal but each of us expresses it in our own way, and through each moment of our words, thoughts and acts. Having a diversity of backgrounds and experiences brings strength to the dharma, and each of us shines like a jewel through how we practice with our life challenges. There is no requirement here other than to fully express who you are though moment to moment practice.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

Hi Kokuu... I didn't mean to suggest that I still think this way. Before coming to treeleaf I very much felt that I could not find a lineage because of the things I was discovering about myself as a result of "studying the self".

It felt as though I did not belong anywhere and that I had wasted years of my life... So I had just about given up, resigning myself to solitary practice...

I know it may not seem like it from my glib comments and problems with authority... I am truly grateful to be here.

Being disabled does not mean we have to act nice to make up for it...

_/\_
sat/ah
matt

[Kokuu]

I know it may not seem like it from my glib comments and problems with authority... I am truly grateful to be here.

And we are glad to have you!

[Tai Shi]

I have bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder, and I have found That my situation, as you say, is much different than yours. I entered therapy at the age of 23. I am still on a maintained therapy and psychiatry visits every two months. Early on in my illness, I read a lot about mental illness, and I found that what I read is true in my case. I read that as a person ages, symptoms often improve. As I said, my illness and as you said, our situations and environments, health and education, families, etc. are different, At first I was told that I had schizophrenia at a public hospital for those with no insurance or means of payment. I had a good therapist and poor psychiatry. My therapist told me to ignore the diagnosis and that it was only a label, and often not accurate. She said, "Just focus on getting well." I learned to do so, and I have been through many different diagnoses About 16 years ago, I entered an excellent hospital and received another diagnosis. A diagnosis in psychiatry is not always accurate and this was not the case for me in 1975. In 2009, I was diagnosed with BPD and anxiety. This diagnosis has stuck. For 16 years,-- longest diagnosis I have ever had. I see my therapist every 6 weeks, and my psychiatrist every 2 months, soon to see my therapist every 8 weeks, and psychiatrist every 8 weeks. When I was first hospitalized in 1975 some aspects of therapy and psychiatry were experimental, and some had their roots in the previous century. Slowly therapists have come to Behaviorism and I began CBT 16 years ago later in my life, and I responded well. My therapist now tells me that my behavior is nearly normal, and we joke, "What is normal?- setting on a washing machine." I am grateful that at age 73 I can finally joke about my condition. Of course, I have been meditating, and practicing Zen this entire time. I am not the same person today as I was in 1975. Hopefully, because of hundreds of factors, I have grown a little more patient, not so traumatized, or frightened as I was with the onset of my disease. In addition, like so many, my diagnosis has become complex with more, and more physical diagnosis, because I am old, and now I am receiving expert medical care; so much is under control. I will pass someday. My body each day is a fraction weaker. I am old, and soon I will die. I hope I will not die for 10 or more years, but no one knows. Things have changed over the decades. Causes and conditions will change until I am cremated and my ashes spread in a rose garden. Many would argue that I will continue to change after death. And, this is so.
Gassho
lah/sat
Tai Shi

[Matt Johnson]

I have bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder, and I have found That my situation, as you say, is much different than yours. I entered therapy at the age of 23. I am still on a maintained therapy and psychiatry visits every two months. Early on in my illness, I read a lot about mental illness, and I found that what I read is true in my case. I read that as a person ages, symptoms often improve. As I said, my illness and as you said, our situations and environments, health and education, families, etc. are different, At first I was told that I had schizophrenia at a public hospital for those with no insurance or means of payment. I had a good therapist and poor psychiatry. My therapist told me to ignore the diagnosis and that it was only a label, and often not accurate. She said, "Just focus on getting well." I learned to do so, and I have been through many different diagnoses About 16 years ago, I entered an excellent hospital and received another diagnosis. A diagnosis in psychiatry is not always accurate and this was not the case for me in 1975. In 2009, I was diagnosed with BPD and anxiety. This diagnosis has stuck. For 16 years,-- longest diagnosis I have ever had. I see my therapist every 6 weeks, and my psychiatrist every 2 months, soon to see my therapist every 8 weeks, and psychiatrist every 8 weeks. When I was first hospitalized in 1975 some aspects of therapy and psychiatry were experimental, and some had their roots in the previous century. Slowly therapists have come to Behaviorism and I began CBT 16 years ago later in my life, and I responded well. My therapist now tells me that my behavior is nearly normal, and we joke, "What is normal?- setting on a washing machine." I am grateful that at age 73 I can finally joke about my condition. Of course, I have been meditating, and practicing Zen this entire time. I am not the same person today as I was in 1975. Hopefully, because of hundreds of factors, I have grown a little more patient, not so traumatized, or frightened as I was with the onset of my disease. In addition, like so many, my diagnosis has become complex with more, and more physical diagnosis, because I am old, and now I am receiving expert medical care; so much is under control. I will pass someday. My body each day is a fraction weaker. I am old, and soon I will die. I hope I will not die for 10 or more years, but no one knows. Things have changed over the decades. Causes and conditions will change until I am cremated and my ashes spread in a rose garden. Many would argue that I will continue to change after death. And, this is so.
Gassho
lah/sat
Tai Shi

Wow Taishi thats a lot of "studying the self". I know many of those conditions you mentioned are misdiagnosed and get confused. The DSM-5 is a human-made framework for categorizing mental health conditions, reflecting constructs that evolve over time and hold no absolute authority.....especially given that mental illness has been conceptualized differently across cultures and historical periods. For example, "drapetomania" pathologized enslaved people's desire for freedom, and "hysteria" was a 19th-century diagnosis disproportionately applied to women. Homosexuality was classified as a mental illness in the DSM until 1973, reflecting cultural prejudice rather than scientific fact. In some Indigenous cultures, hearing voices or having visions may be seen as spiritual communication rather than a sign of illness. Similarly, in Japan, "hikikomori" (social withdrawal) is viewed as a social and cultural phenomenon rather than solely an individual disorder. Psychiatry and psychology often frame these experiences as individual maladaptations, overlooking the broader societal, cultural, and structural forces that shape mental health.

Once upon a time in Asia many people who were afflicted with mental illness or troubles fitting into society found their way to Zen. Lucky Us!

_/\_
sat/ah
matt