This section covers the first part of chapter six 'Nurturing Relationships' (beginning to p93 ‘Whore Stories’). This is a longer chapter but it doesn’t lend itself to splitting easily. So, we will work with twelve pages this week and just four for the next.
This chapter is about nurturing relationships and Darlene points out that we see the world through the relationship between ‘I’ and other. She does not think this a bad thing (and it is to some degree inevitable, even if we can let it drop away in Zazen) and points us to developing our sense of interconnectedness. She also reminds us that it is not just the relationships that we see as central in our life (family, friends, bosses) that are to be nurtured but every encounter with someone else (and I would include the ‘more than human’ beings in that – animals, plants, fungi, even rocks and rivers).
Darlene notes that when we are sick and/or in pain, relationship takes on a particular meaning and difficult relations can become even more difficult, while relationships based on nurturing and compassion are to be hugely welcomed. She reports on how she noticed differences in her relationships more when she got sick, and used whether her breath became more relaxed around someone or shorter and shallower as a measure of whether the person was likely to give or take her energy. I think that healthy people can notice this also, but it becomes far more important when you are sick to limit exposure to those who can be draining. This, she notes, can be hard if a draining person is a partner or family members.
Darlene goes on to talk about how our relationships are a touchstone for our practice as they push us to look at our own viewpoints where they meet opposition or where our expectations fail to be met. There is a Buddhist joke that the final test before enlightenment is spending the holiday season with your family! She admits to having caused a rift in her own family over a Jewish holiday by refusing to go based on her own beliefs and having conversations to work with this. In addition Darlene talks about a conversation she had with someone she previously avoided at Zen Mountain Center, and demonstrates how intimacy can be improved through difficult conversations if we are prepared to meet someone face-to-face and where they are.
That said, from the perspective of someone who is chronically ill, I also want to acknowledge how much energy these kinds of conversations can take.
The main takeaway from this part of the chapter seems to me that intimacy with people (as well I would say with all things) comes from a turning towards, rather than a turning away. Doing this requires having an open heart and a willingness to hear what is being said.
Question prompts:
1. Can you recall a time when a difficult conversation or relationship led to greater intimacy?
2. How do you experience relationships from the perspective of illness? (if you are not sick, how do you experience relationships when you are stressed or struggling with life?)
Wishing you all a healthful week.
Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-
This chapter is about nurturing relationships and Darlene points out that we see the world through the relationship between ‘I’ and other. She does not think this a bad thing (and it is to some degree inevitable, even if we can let it drop away in Zazen) and points us to developing our sense of interconnectedness. She also reminds us that it is not just the relationships that we see as central in our life (family, friends, bosses) that are to be nurtured but every encounter with someone else (and I would include the ‘more than human’ beings in that – animals, plants, fungi, even rocks and rivers).
Darlene notes that when we are sick and/or in pain, relationship takes on a particular meaning and difficult relations can become even more difficult, while relationships based on nurturing and compassion are to be hugely welcomed. She reports on how she noticed differences in her relationships more when she got sick, and used whether her breath became more relaxed around someone or shorter and shallower as a measure of whether the person was likely to give or take her energy. I think that healthy people can notice this also, but it becomes far more important when you are sick to limit exposure to those who can be draining. This, she notes, can be hard if a draining person is a partner or family members.
Darlene goes on to talk about how our relationships are a touchstone for our practice as they push us to look at our own viewpoints where they meet opposition or where our expectations fail to be met. There is a Buddhist joke that the final test before enlightenment is spending the holiday season with your family! She admits to having caused a rift in her own family over a Jewish holiday by refusing to go based on her own beliefs and having conversations to work with this. In addition Darlene talks about a conversation she had with someone she previously avoided at Zen Mountain Center, and demonstrates how intimacy can be improved through difficult conversations if we are prepared to meet someone face-to-face and where they are.
That said, from the perspective of someone who is chronically ill, I also want to acknowledge how much energy these kinds of conversations can take.
The main takeaway from this part of the chapter seems to me that intimacy with people (as well I would say with all things) comes from a turning towards, rather than a turning away. Doing this requires having an open heart and a willingness to hear what is being said.
Question prompts:
1. Can you recall a time when a difficult conversation or relationship led to greater intimacy?
2. How do you experience relationships from the perspective of illness? (if you are not sick, how do you experience relationships when you are stressed or struggling with life?)
Wishing you all a healthful week.
Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-
Seriously I think that being able to have open and honest conversations is a hallmark of a good relationship. In both cases trust is the key. What is being discussed may be difficult to say or difficult to hear but you need to trust the other person. Once that is there then the intimacy follows.
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