[HealthDharma] Turning Suffering Inside Out, chapter two, part one

[Kokuu]

Hi all!

In this section of the reading we will be covering pages 24-30 (from the beginning of chapter two up to ‘Enriching Your Life Exponentially’)

Darlene begins this chapter by questioning the often quoted Buddhist maxim that pain is unavoidable but suffering is optional, suffering here seen as the extra conceptual layer we place over what is happening. She argues that actually, our brains naturally function to analyse, contemplate and predict various future scenarios and it is not a simple task to stop that. However, she does note that when we see those scenarios and fixed and unchanging, that is a mental trap.

She also looks at what is meant by ‘accepting’ pain and suggests that it does not look like the serene acceptance that many of us imagine. Rather, it is a process of accepting and also enriching our life exponentially so that pain is just a small part of the overall picture instead of feeling like the totality of life.

Acknowledging our suffering is the first step to opening up to our lived experience. I personally find that just saying out loud or in my head “I am in pain” can be really helpful to that process. Likewise, similarly acknowledging any emotions that are present. Darlene advises curious openness to what is going on, looking at pain and how our body feels in different postures, as an information gathering exercise. She also suggests looking at our human relationships in the same way.

Darlene talks about how the hardest part of pain and illness is at the onset of the new condition when our memory of our old life is still fresh and we harbour hope of returning to that. However, letting go of what is past, and accepting how things are is the first step in living life as it is now. She observes the relief in just being the suffering rather than fighting it. She also notes that in opening to the sensations of her body, we also open to other sensations in life through all of our sense doors.


Question prompts, or feel free to talk about any part of the chapter that resonates with you:

1. How do you feel about the idea of opening up to pain rather than resisting it? Does it sound scary? How do you practice with your own physical pain?

2. Going back to the first post on this read-through, if life has suddenly changed for you at some point, how was the process of letting go what had gone previously and accepting your new reality?


Wishing you all a gentle week.

Gassho
Kokuu

[Alina]

Thank you Kokuu for the prompts for this new chapter, here are my answers:


1. How do you feel about the idea of opening up to pain rather than resisting it? Does it sound scary? How do you practice with your own physical pain?
It does sound scary, but it helps, it makes the pain more endurable and sometimes it enables me to relax even though the pain is still present.

2. Going back to the first post on this read-through, if life has suddenly changed for you at some point, how was the process of letting go what had gone previously and accepting your new reality?
Very very long. Not only the memory of my old life was still fresh, but starting again and adjusting to my new reality took a lot of time and effort, because I had a lot of anger at my circumstances. Only when being angry proved to be a dead-end I was able to let go of it and start embracing the new reality. I knew that anger was not a good energy, but it all felt so unfair that I guess I had to be angry for long enough to realize on my own that anger is not the way. Underneath the anger, there was sadness so deep I was afraid to feel it, it was/seemed better (easier) to remain angry than to face the real reason for the pain. So it took a long time to realize that I was drowning, and to admit to myself that I could not continue as I had so far, and to stop, and to face the pain, and allow myself to feel it, and cry as much as I needed to, and then "regroup" and start again, try something new, explore what was available for me in what felt like a barren wasteland.
(I don't see my life as a barren wasteland anymore, that was before I started working on myself)


While reading this section, I took a few notes of my thoughts about what Darlene Cohen is discussing:

* When our suffering has become our default state, a habit so ingrained that we can't see it as a problem, it's hard to tell what is the cost of living with it, or to imagine what would it be like to live without it

* To study my own reactions to each encounter is a luxury I don't always have when I am a caregiver, and so it accumulates... my focus is needed/demanded outside so much of my time that the inside goes unnoticed, until it becomes unbearable, and then I stop functioning, but I can't stop because I am still needed, so I continue even when I am broken


Gassho

Alina
stlah

[Kokuu]

2. Going back to the first post on this read-through, if life has suddenly changed for you at some point, how was the process of letting go what had gone previously and accepting your new reality?
Very very long. Not only the memory of my old life was still fresh, but starting again and adjusting to my new reality took a lot of time and effort, because I had a lot of anger at my circumstances. Only when being angry proved to be a dead-end I was able to let go of it and start embracing the new reality. I knew that anger was not a good energy, but it all felt so unfair that I guess I had to be angry for long enough to realize on my own that anger is not the way. Underneath the anger, there was sadness so deep I was afraid to feel it, it was/seemed better (easier) to remain angry than to face the real reason for the pain. So it took a long time to realize that I was drowning, and to admit to myself that I could not continue as I had so far, and to stop, and to face the pain, and allow myself to feel it, and cry as much as I needed to, and then "regroup" and start again, try something new, explore what was available for me in what felt like a barren wasteland.

Thank you so much for sharing that, Alina. I think it is true that often there are layers of emotions, or at least that is what I have experienced, and some are easier to face than others. Going into the depth of sadness is hard to do so it is understandable if it is preferable to stay in anger. Looking more widely, it seems to me that this is what we do with many parts of our life in covering up the things we don't want to face, or maybe are not ready to face. On the cushion slowly slowly (or sometimes even quickly) everything comes undone and we are left facing what is arising. I am glad that you got to the point of being able to feel the pain and express that emotion, which then allowed you to move forward

* To study my own reactions to each encounter is a luxury I don't always have when I am a caregiver, and so it accumulates... my focus is needed/demanded outside so much of my time that the inside goes unnoticed, until it becomes unbearable, and then I stop functioning, but I can't stop because I am still needed, so I continue even when I am broken

Yes, I think that is an important point. When we are busy in the 'doing' of life, it can be hard to find points in which to stop and reflect on what is happening. It is understandable how caregivers, whether parents of young children or carers for older adults, feel like they are running on empty. It is important to have places for us to recharge and let go of some of the emotional build-up but that can be a luxury that is not always possible to get. Jundo's practice of 'insta-zazen' in which we pause for one minute, or even just a few breaths, can be really helpful in those cases. Seijin also recently talked about doing kinhin between seeing her psychiatry patients which I really like.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Alina]

Jundo's practice of 'insta-zazen' in which we pause for one minute, or even just a few breaths, can be really helpful in those cases. Seijin also recently talked about doing kinhin between seeing her psychiatry patients which I really like.

Thank you Kokuu for this reminder, I have read those posts but then forgot to practice, I'll try to practice both more often.


Gassho
Alina
st+lah

[Kaitan]

I enjoyed this part a lot and I feel that mirrors our lives so well. In my case I'm dealing with addition and physical injury so the last fragment and this one actually nailed it perfectly. It's good to have this support right now, I very much appreciate it.

1. How do you feel about the idea of opening up to pain rather than resisting it? Does it sound scary? How do you practice with your own physical pain?

It's definitely easier said than done and in all honesty is the most logical way to approach it. I remember a metaphor from Alan Watts that compared it with swimming in the water: if you fight the water and try to grip on something then you most likely going to drown, better move as the water and even become the water. I have much to learn, but if she says that it doesn't look like passive serenity, I guess I'm on the right track! Because there is suffering and aversion.

I liked when she says:

When you are able to give all your feelings your full attention, without believing that one feeling is good and another bad (even if you think it is), then compassion, irritation, pain, hatred and joy are all sacred

2. Going back to the first post on this read-through, if life has suddenly changed for you at some point, how was the process of letting go what had gone previously and accepting your new reality?

Difficult, very difficult. I once heard a terrible fact in psychology, that maybe you could agree on this, is that we can become accustomed to our misery, because it may be a part of our personality, identity, some certainty in our lives. And we may feel it very much, I recall a quote from Sylvia Plath I saw the other day:

I don't know what is like not to feel deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely

Gasshō

stlah

Kaitan

[Tairin]

1. How do you feel about the idea of opening up to pain rather than resisting it? Does it sound scary? How do you practice with your own physical pain?

I don't suffer the same sort of ailments that many here suffer from. Intellectually what she writes makes sense but I don’t have to deal with the day to day reality that some of you do


Going back to the first post on this read-through, if life has suddenly changed for you at some point, how was the process of letting go what had gone previously and accepting your new reality?

Well there’s no question that there have been times in my life where life changed in ways that I’d say were initially deemed “negative “. In those cases I’ve learned to sit with my feelings. I’ve also learned that like everything the situation is impermanent and will be replaced with something else. If I don’t carry the negative emotions with me they will eventually just be left behind


Tairin
Sat today and lah

[Shinchi SG]

1. How do you feel about the idea of opening up to pain rather than resisting it? Does it sound scary? How do you practice with your own physical pain?

I agree with what others have commented - that this idea can be scary. I like the Alan Watts' metaphor which Kaitan mentioned above with this.

I will likely not describe this well, but I was also reminded of the parable of the two arrows, in which the first arrow represents the source of the pain (the injury, illness, etc.). But the second arrow is the one we fire ourselves, and which hurts tenfold - the arrow of the narrative about the 1st arrow (all those "what ifs", "should haves", and the negative things we say about ourselves as a result of the first arrow - "I knew I was unlovable", as Cohen writes). The idea of acknowledging suffering with a "candid and inquisitive attitude", seems to make more sense than being stuck in a negative narrative of self. I also liked how the author acknowledged that "accepting" pain sounds too passive and is therefore inaccurate. I prefer her description of this as an "active engagement with life in its most intimate sense". "Acceptance" also sounds like something that should be easy, which is discouraging.

Earlier this week, I came across this interesting article related to this: https://tricycle.org/magazine/a-second-arrow-story/

It is important to have places for us to recharge and let go of some of the emotional build-up but that can be a luxury that is not always possible to get. Jundo's practice of 'insta-zazen' in which we pause for one minute, or even just a few breaths, can be really helpful in those cases. Seijin also recently talked about doing kinhin between seeing her psychiatry patients which I really like.

I missed this post from Seijin, but I really like this idea. There are days when I have back-to-back sessions with very heavy emotions, only taking a short break for lunch. Sometimes while I feel okay "in the moment", by the end of the day I finally feel the weight of all those emotions and sometimes feel exhausted. I will seek to implement some kinhin between the therapy and waiting rooms this week. Thank you for this.

Gassho
Shinchi
STlah

[Alina]

Earlier this week, I came across this interesting article related to this: https://tricycle.org/magazine/a-second-arrow-story/

Thank you Shinchi for sharing this article, it puts into words something I've been sitting with but could not fully express just yet.


Gassho

Alina
st+lah

[Naiko]

Thank you all for your thoughts.

1. How do you feel about the idea of opening up to pain rather than resisting it? Does it sound scary? How do you practice with your own physical pain? It is scary. It feels like your survival is at stake, so you must fight. There have been times that I have been so ill or in such pain that there really is no other choice but to open to it. That’s all there is. My mind really does stop and I’m just present with it. I feel lesser pain is actually more difficult.

2. Going back to the first post on this read-through, if life has suddenly changed for you at some point, how was the process of letting go what had gone previously and accepting your new reality? I get lots of practice at letting go. I’ve had cycles of remissions and flares over the past 20 years. I may spend a few years being quite strong, followed by months of debilitating illness. I let go and I claw back. That possibility of improvement has been an obstacle to full acceptance. It took a really long time and an extended decline for me to finally accept needing surgery.

I’m really enjoying this book. I like her honesty about the reality of accepting illness/suffering, that it’s a process. I also really appreciate her emphasis on, as she terms it, exponentially enriching our lives and living fully. This is a great teaching for everyone. I especially like this quote: “Injured or not, ill or not, we all have to face the deterioration of our bodies as we age. Most of us, the “temporarily abled,” face it slowly rather than in one swift, unalterable blow. But if we live long enough, we will know this suffering. We all have to give up our bodies someday. The sick among us get in practice.”

Gassho,
Naiko
st lah