Hello Sangha,
I wanted to share with you what I have been thinking about regarding my experiences with chronic illness. These are simply my thoughts and feelings. Maybe they resonate with you, maybe they don’t. That’s okay.
I sometimes think about how my life used to be prior to having health issues. I was ailment free, not having to worry about missing work because of my symptoms or struggling financially to get my medications. I was a bodybuilder at the time in my late 20s - early 30s. I felt invincible. Nothing could touch me. I felt that my life would stay this way forever… but once it started to roll it became almost like a snowball; gathering more and more snow as it rolled down the mountain. I shattered my ankle/leg, my mental health plummeted requiring a month’s stay in hospital and continuing to take medications/therapy, and learning that I’m diabetic. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after over 10 years of constant pain. Recently, I needed to go to the hospital for severe abdominal pain and learning that my liver may be in trouble. To say that I’m worried would be an understatement. I fear that my depression will return sooner rather than later (because it always does) and that I will lose everything and anyone that I hold dear. That last statement being true and real, though I am nowhere near ready to go.
Having chronic illness is no joke. Some days the pain is bearable with the help of medications, friends, getting outside. I use a cane to help get around nowadays; something I never believed I would ever have to use. Then there are the days where simply getting out of bed feels impossible. The thought of living my life is overwhelming. I would rather crawl into a hole and disappear than face the voices in my head and the pain in my body.
I feel that there are two parts inside that can see both sides of the coin, so to speak. One side tells me to no end how I’m a failure, that I must have generated negative karma in a past life, that the world is going to end, and that I will be driven to madness and end up taking my own life. The other side tries to be more optimistic saying things like, “Well, it could be a lot worse,” I am alive in this moment and to cherish every second. I am grateful for what I have and for those that love me and support me.
It’s a constant battle in my head.
Sometimes I wish that I could hit a PAUSE button and have the ability and finances to drive away from everything. Yet, this is my practice. I cannot run away as I have done previously when things became difficult. I cannot relocate nor snap my fingers bringing me back to my previous, healthy self.
So, what can I do?
Sitting Zazen helps the noise in my head soften to a quiet whisper. It helps to relax my tense body and bring awareness back to my senses.
The Dharma shows me the Way as if speaking directly to my heart.
The Sangha, my Dharma Brothers and Sisters and teachers that have become great friends who inspire me to carry on.
Simply writing this has helped alleviate pain both body and mind.
Gasshō,
On
Sat today
I wanted to share with you what I have been thinking about regarding my experiences with chronic illness. These are simply my thoughts and feelings. Maybe they resonate with you, maybe they don’t. That’s okay.
I sometimes think about how my life used to be prior to having health issues. I was ailment free, not having to worry about missing work because of my symptoms or struggling financially to get my medications. I was a bodybuilder at the time in my late 20s - early 30s. I felt invincible. Nothing could touch me. I felt that my life would stay this way forever… but once it started to roll it became almost like a snowball; gathering more and more snow as it rolled down the mountain. I shattered my ankle/leg, my mental health plummeted requiring a month’s stay in hospital and continuing to take medications/therapy, and learning that I’m diabetic. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after over 10 years of constant pain. Recently, I needed to go to the hospital for severe abdominal pain and learning that my liver may be in trouble. To say that I’m worried would be an understatement. I fear that my depression will return sooner rather than later (because it always does) and that I will lose everything and anyone that I hold dear. That last statement being true and real, though I am nowhere near ready to go.
Having chronic illness is no joke. Some days the pain is bearable with the help of medications, friends, getting outside. I use a cane to help get around nowadays; something I never believed I would ever have to use. Then there are the days where simply getting out of bed feels impossible. The thought of living my life is overwhelming. I would rather crawl into a hole and disappear than face the voices in my head and the pain in my body.
I feel that there are two parts inside that can see both sides of the coin, so to speak. One side tells me to no end how I’m a failure, that I must have generated negative karma in a past life, that the world is going to end, and that I will be driven to madness and end up taking my own life. The other side tries to be more optimistic saying things like, “Well, it could be a lot worse,” I am alive in this moment and to cherish every second. I am grateful for what I have and for those that love me and support me.
It’s a constant battle in my head.
Sometimes I wish that I could hit a PAUSE button and have the ability and finances to drive away from everything. Yet, this is my practice. I cannot run away as I have done previously when things became difficult. I cannot relocate nor snap my fingers bringing me back to my previous, healthy self.
So, what can I do?
Sitting Zazen helps the noise in my head soften to a quiet whisper. It helps to relax my tense body and bring awareness back to my senses.
The Dharma shows me the Way as if speaking directly to my heart.
The Sangha, my Dharma Brothers and Sisters and teachers that have become great friends who inspire me to carry on.
Simply writing this has helped alleviate pain both body and mind.
Gasshō,
On
Sat today
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